unfaithful | David M Masters

Infidelity Why is My Partner Cheating?

As a love and relationship counselor or coach, undoubtedly you will be having clients facing challenges with infidelity. If you’ve done this kind of work for long, you realize that people stray for any number of reasons, and if you can remain supportive and non-reactive or judgmental, you may be the pivotal player in this relationship as someone who can assist in the relationship’s recovery, or at least, help the relationship end in the most amicable fashion.

Infidelity is a good indicator signaling that something is wrong in the relationship. It’s up to your clients to see if they can unravel the root cause if they intend to try to rebuild the relationship. It will take full commitment to the process from both parties if the relationship is to move forward, not so much if there is no hope and one or more or your clients is determined to call it quits.

Even if a couple starts off as the perfect match in the beginning, there is the tendency for people to grow and change or deteriorate and change over the course of time. There can be many reasons why things might change that may make the once compatible couple incompatible, resulting in irreconcilable differences, for which there is presumably no remedy. Though this is not always the case, as any impasse today could be a challenge to face and deal with another day.

Researchers who study cheaters only have access to cheaters who have either been caught cheating or have volunteered the information about their infidelity. The clergy will have access to greater and more detailed information, but this information is protected by clergy-penitent privilege. Anthropologists, on the other hand, are able to study animals for clues about our sexuality and how common infidelity is among members of the animal kingdom that share our DNA, like primates and mice. Then, there are others who are unfaithful who have gotten away with it and will take this secret with them to the grave. None of us will have access to that data.

Neurotypical Infidelity

The most common form of infidelity is neurotypical infidelity. This is to say that perfectly normal and average people will have a tendency to stray from an otherwise typical monogamous relationship. Anthropologists insist that the tendency to seek sexual gratification or variety outside of a monogamous relationship is hardcoded in our DNA inherited by our ancestors.

People cheat out of anger or revenge, because they have fallen out of love, or “accidentally.” By accidentally, I mean, they were unfaithful for the same reason that a non-criminal might commit a crime, they were in a weakened state and found themselves in a situation where they were presented with the means, motive, and opportunity to engage in a crime or sexual tryst.

Other reasons include the inability to commit or limited emotional bandwidth for a long-term commitment, feeling as though they are not being attended to appropriately, mismatched sex drives, and/or a hyperactive sex drive which may include a strong desire to have sex with other people.

Emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, insecurity, unworthiness, or unresolved trauma from the past may also be contributors to being unfaithful, as seeking a sexual relationship (even if sex is not consummated) outside the couple may boost their confidence, helping them to cope with their other unresolved emotional issues.

Addictive Infidelity

Addiction is one of those tricky areas where there is hope for recovery because we have so much evidence of success stories that it is reasonable to believe that one who suffers from any addiction can overcome it. Addictions may be contributors to infidelity and come in many forms such as alcoholism, addictions to drugs (pharmaceutical or prescription), compulsive gamblers, eaters, spenders, sex addicts, etcetera.

Addictions come in varying intensities. For those whose addictive tendencies are mild, the hope for recovery can be high, though even so, one must realize that relapses are quite common. Severe cases may require supernatural intervention, like (insert addiction) Anonymous. I have often found God to be a powerful ally in battling addiction for my clients.

Considering the nature of sex addiction, certainly one would expect to see infidelity rear its ugly head in any relationship, though few may struggle with the addiction but refrain from acting out completely. This still puts a tremendous strain on the relationship.

These addictions that may include different forms of infidelity are uncontrollable urges that cause the victim to act out unfaithfully. They do so, not to offend the faithful partner, but often participate in such activity in an effort to self-medicate serious underlying issues such as being haunted by an unresolved traumatic past, anxiety, depression, unworthiness, guilt, shame, or when feeling overwhelmed by other psychological issues.

Sexual Orientation Infidelity

No longer in the dark ages, people in the modern world are empowered to express themselves sexually in authentic ways that may have been prohibitive in the past. There is a trend in the laws of the land to support all types of sexual orientation. One of the participants in a presenting relationship may experience a change in sexual orientation. Though one does not normally change their sexual orientation, just simply come to realize that their previous commitment to a particular sexual preference was a lie.

This is a change for the other partner who did not see this coming, though there’s a good chance that the partner who is awakening to his or her true sexual orientation may be just as surprised when this reality comes to light. You are born with your unique sexual orientation but often develop a socially acceptable sexual persona to in effect find an easier way to make your way through life.

In some cases, an individual will look as though he or she is a sexual chameleon, changing his or her sexual preference from one to another over time. This is common enough, especially if their previous programming to adopt a false-facing-front sexual orientation has been prolonged. It may take experimentation over time to finally discover one’s true sexual nature.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on this sort of path of exploration and personal growth, this can put a great deal of stress on a relationship and may very well lead to the end of the relationship, especially if the explorer is intent on eventually finding a more suitable partner, or maybe his or her path will lead to having no steady partner at all.

Malicious Infidelity

In the rare circumstance of finding yourself paired with a malicious predator who may be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, someone on the Anti-social Personality Disorder spectrum, you may suffer from infidelity because your partner gets a thrill from controlling, abusing, and torturing you in a variety of ways and you may never have any method of proving infidelity (or any other secrets he/she may be keeping from you) concretely. If he or she gets the slightest idea that you might be questioning his or her fidelity, you will be verbally and psychologically assaulted (gaslighting), discredited, disrespected, and made to feel like a fool.

If you are in a relationship with a predator, it may be difficult to find adequate help, as these individuals, if they are highly skilled, have the ability to be very persuasive with an incredible ability to con people (he or she conned you, right?) and may be able to manipulate any counselor you might like to see.

If you see this happening, just play along and look for another counselor who has experience with victims of narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths who can help you to protect yourself and deal with your situation without having to endure more pain or loss.

Monogamous Decline

With the expansion of sexual orientation, relationships are changing and evolving and the idea of monogamy is becoming less popular, as it is being seen as an unnatural archaic method of approaching romantic relationships. Instead, the current trend is toward supporting a more advanced tolerant relationship between a main pair of individuals, allowing for straying partners. This is referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Observed as being ethical because there is full disclosure, thereby eliminating the “cheating” label, and consensual due to both parties agreeing on certain parameters.

What are your thoughts?

Is Your Partner Being Unfaithful?

What if your spouse or partner is sneaking around behind your back and not being forthcoming with details? Is your partner being unfaithful? Does it mean he or she is having an affair?

When you notice that your beloved’s behavior does not seem to be congruent with the intensity of the relationship that you think the two of you share, definitely something is going on. Is your partner cheating on you?

It’s not a good idea to jump to conclusions at the first sight of inconsistencies in your relationship. But when you notice things are not as they appear, or you’re feeling like something’s wrong, it is time to start paying more attention to what is going on.

And keep in mind that all affairs are not equal. Keep in mind that infidelity is not just sexual, as there are many types of infidelity, and your partner may be having an emotional affair, not necessarily a sexual affair.

So, what are some of the signs that might cause blips on your radar of suspicion?

Secrecy

Anything that looks or feels like secrecy, specifically things that go on in your partner’s life that you are intentionally made unaware of. What is he or she hiding? And why?

It makes any normal person wonder, what’s up?

Does there seem to be some secrecy surrounding the phone? Is there a regular practice of deleting texts, caller ID numbers, or emails? If you are aware of a particular phone number and you search for it on your partner’s phone and discover “Nothing Found” it could indicate a diligent deleter and potential cheater.

Is there regular and lengthy telephonic, electronic, or face-to-face communication with “a friend” taking place in your absence?

This is almost always an indication that something’s going on behind the scenes, especially when you feel like this activity is going on behind your back. At the very least, this is indicative of an emotional affair.

At the very least, you can be certain that trust is eroding rapidly, or may no longer exist.

If your partner is reluctant to put a stop to the extracurricular conversation and relationship, this is a good indicator that your relationship is in trouble. You already know that if he or she seems to accommodate your wishes to no longer contact but then takes it to another deeper level of secrecy, you’re in real trouble.

If your partner refuses to cutoff an outside relationship that may be causing conflict in your relationship, you know that this person has more value to your partner than you do.

Do Not Accuse

Your first response to becoming suspicious or aware of inconsistencies in your relationship is not to accuse or respond negatively to your partner. Don’t start stalking or going through their personal belongings looking for clues of an affair. Just don’t do it. If you get caught trying to catch your mate sneaking around – and nothing’s going on – and you get caught doing so, it will not reflect well on you. Nothing good could come from that.

Do Share

Your relationship is about sharing your lives one with the other, it is totally appropriate to share your feelings, being certain to begin your statements, not with, “You,” but rather with, “I feel…”

Admit that your feelings are causing you to draw conclusions that may be wrong, and invite him or her to explain.

You are allowed to have feelings. Also, be aware that your feelings may mislead you or cause you to come to conclusions that are less than rational. This usually heavily influenced by your past and may have little or nothing to do with this relationship. Nonetheless, you are still entitled to have feelings.

If you are accusatory and your accusations are unfound, then you can do some inner work to see what is there under your skin that might be making you feel suspicious about your partner.

Note your partner’s response. If he or she responds in a respectful, caring and concerned response, there is hope and your fears may have been unfounded. On the other hand, if your partner laughs at you, makes fun about how ridiculous your feelings are, and especially, if your partner counters with accusing you of having an affair (which means he or she probably is)… There is not much for you to work with. You could do far better, regardless if there’s an affair going on or not.

If your partner admits that he or she was pursuing someone else’s attention, this kind of open transparency, honesty, is the best possible outcome, and can open the relationship to another level of intimacy.

Cheaters Have Nothing to do with You

It’s easy to internalize your frustrations if you’ve been with a partner who has been unfaithful. Cheaters have nothing to do with you. If you’re monogamous and committed to someone who is a cheater, when he or she has left, you might start questioning yourself. “What did I do?” or alternatively, “What’s wrong with me?” amongst other self-deprecating questions. When the truth is it’s about the cheater, not you.

Cheaters are gonna cheat. That’s just the way it is. You can change a cheater, it’s just the way they are hard-wired. Can a cheater change into a loving, caring, monogamous, and faithful partner? Yes. But you cannot change them. Only the cheater can change his or her life that drastically. Nothing you can do can change them.

Your first instinct is to blame yourself because you lack the full lovingness for yourself, so you question your worthiness, as all your insecurities rise to the surface, making you feel worse and worse about yourself, while the happy-go-lucky cheater is off on his or her next conquest.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect in every way, only you do not realize it or know that all the love you seek resides within you waiting to be set loose in all its power and glory.

Lacking this true love from within, you will submit yourself to the endless abuse of not feeling as though you are not enough, questioning your authentic beauty, or over criticizing your income, weight, choice of apparel, hairstyle, mannerisms, possessions, family, beliefs, or any other endless possibilities that might make you feel less than worthy.

The choices other people make, the things they do, have nothing to do with you. You are for more inconsequential in the lives of people who have little or no regard for you than you might think. People just say or do stuff because their lives have led them to say or do this or that. That is all.

If it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.

You are not responsible for the life your ex- has lived up to this point and you can never know what is going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

In most (if not all) cases of infidelity or the inability for someone to make a long-term commitment comes from a lifetime of insecurity, fear, and/or abuse, every detail of which could never be fully known by any other person.

It’s up to you to look after your own feelings and sense of worthiness. You need to not let anyone have control over how you feel. In this way, you can reclaim your power from anyone who has threatened your otherwise sense of wellbeing.

If you let others to be responsible for how you feel, you would be just like your ex- who is constantly needing someone else to make him or her feel good. And when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, it works, but not for long.

If someone doesn’t like you the way you want them to, don’t feel bad. Be grateful that you found out when you did, because it could have been much worse had your relationship been allowed to continue in its dysfunction.

Your value is not determined by anyone or anything outside of yourself. Your preciousness comes from the love within yourself. Allowed to grow within yourself your love can expand and overflow to others and the world around you.

Without this unlimited source of love enveloping you, the best you can do is to mitigate your emotional state, with all its contradictions and inconsistencies, the best you can by applying emotional bandages (other people and what they think of you).

You are perfect, with all your imperfections, just the way you are.

You were born in love, full of love, and worthy of love, for you (in your truest essence) are love personified. Even if no one else recognizes your sacred divinity, it still remains true; you are pure love.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, ever.

You love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship which is not in alignment with your highest and best.

You and your love is all the love you need, and when the right person shows up with a vibrational frequency with is alignment with your highest and best, nothing can stand in your way.

Great love is on its way to you.

Want to Have an Affair?

You love your partner, but you can’t help it, you want to have an affair. Why is your attention captured by that other person? Do you want to have an affair?

Top 7 Reasons You
Want to Have an Affair

There are so many reasons why you’re tempted by the idea of having an affair. Probably the number one reason you want to have an affair is that you’re not feeling like you did in the beginning.

1. Not Feeling Loved

In the beginning, you were cherished and adored by your partner, and lately, you’re getting along, everything is going just fine, but you’re feeling like you’re pretty much invisible. When perfect strangers treat you better than your partner, they are courteous, making you feel special, admired, and desirable. Isn’t that what we all want? Of course, you want to have an affair.

2. You’re Angry

Many affairs are conducted out of spite. You are angry about something your partner has done, maybe you’ve been disrespected, disregarded or abused either physically or emotionally, and striking back at your partner would be unacceptable. Having a revenge-affair seems like a more safe and sane way to express your angst and get it out of your system.

3. Sexual Incompatibility

If you are sexually subdued, inhibited, not very interested in sex with your partner who is a sextrovert (or vice versa) one or both or you will be looking for someone more sexually compatible with you in your spare time.

4. Curiosity Experiment

Sometimes a partner is just curious and seeks out to engage in an affair as an experiment. Nothing is wrong in the relationship, everything is going really well, you are fulfilled and there is nothing lacking, but you just want to know what it would be like. Maybe you get away with it, maybe not.

5. Thrill Seekers

Adrenaline junkies are more apt to take all kinds of risks in life and fidelity is just another limit to be challenged for the avid thrill seeker. There is a particular energetic reward for the person who likes living on the edge and is often found looking for the next exciting event or activity.

6. Sexually Incapable

If one of the partners in an otherwise healthy relationship is unable to engage in the healthy sexual activity, the remaining partner who still has a strong desire to have a sex as a valued component in his or her life will seek to subsidize his or her sex life outside the relationship.

7. Reignites Love at Home

There are relationships which are regularly visited by affairs because the affair reignites the flame in their relationship as the jilted partner tries to win back the unfaithful by turning up the flame of love in an effort to save the relationship. And it works.

Those are just some of the reasons you might want to have an affair.

In most cases, a real relationship can survive and thrive with and without infidelity. By getting a grip on what you might be facing based on the intimate details of your relationship with your partner, you can avoid the affair, or survive the pitfalls associated with an affair.

Want to have an affair?

Ask yourself, why? Then, see if there’s a way to reignite the flame of love at home without having to seek what you desire outside the relationship. You may be surprised to find everything you’ve ever wanted, you already have waiting for you at home.

Financial Infidelity

We all know there are many types of infidelity and while all types of unfaithfulness can break the trust in a relationship as much (or more so) as an affair, next to sexual infidelity financial infidelity is the destroyer of romantic love relationships in the lives shared by two.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is the behavior which is marked by keeping financial secrets, having secret bank accounts, hiding financial affairs from your partner, such as getting a raise and tucking it away instead of sharing it with your partner. People engaged in breaching the sacred bond of trust for financial affairs are prone to making financial decisions, investments, and making purchases which are hidden from the other partner and kept secret.

Money is energy which tends to mirror one’s life and relationship. Your relationship with money will reveal what your relationship with a partner will look like, as well as many other areas of your life and how you perceive and interact with it.

Financial infidelity blocks the flow of energy not only in a relationship but in all areas of life which limits one’s ability to have access to or to experience all the best things in life which are abundantly waiting for you.

Financial infidelity represents festering wounds buried deep within someone who suffers from unworthiness, fear, emotional pain, worry, and doubt. Financial cheaters are often haunted and overcome by the demons of their past.

In relationships, fear is the primary motivator in cheating when it comes to money-related issues. Because you’re afraid that your partner won’t approve of a particular action which involves spending money, you tend to take the action and spend the money under a veil of deceit hoping and praying that your partner never finds out, and you may even be willing to go so far as to lie about it.

To attempt to deal with the issues that lead to financial infidelity is deep inner work that cannot be dictated or mandated. The healing which must take place to bring the cheater to a place where he or she and be open and honest about money issues and sharing and caring for their partner abundantly, which overflows into all areas of life, not just about money, will take some time and effort on the part of the cheater.

How do you confront a financial cheater?

Probably your initial inclination is to react in a fit of rage when you discover your partner is engaged in financial infidelity. Probably not your best option, unless you have a desire to create massive conflict and possibly end the relationship with a great deal of unresolved issues, and painful emotional wounds. At the very least, you will make helping the relationship heal and move forward more problematic by starting with an emotional outburst.
Try to keep your wits about you and muster as much resolve as possible before confronting your partner and try to make this as unconfrontational as possible. As with all important conversations when you want to say, “We need to talk,” try to be sensitive and non-threatening but be explicit about your concerns.

Being the initiator of the conversation, you get to set the tone.

You can start with as much softness and caring as possible in your voice, saying something, like, “Hey, baby,” (or some other tender word that you might use for your partner) “I noticed,” then disclose the discrepancy and let him or her respond in a way that is natural and less defensive than having to respond to an accusation.

Try to keep love as your focal point in your heart and mind as you look through the eyes of love at your partner. Remember that this behavior has a lot of painful inner connections that run deep. If there is any hope for a breakthrough in this kind of behavior, you are holding the keys to this issue.

Try to hold the space for this conversation as sacred, and allow an opportunity for your partner to rebuild trust. While trust can be lost in a heartbeat it takes a lot of love and time to rebuild, but it can be done, and when it does happen, it can bring a couple together closer and create deeper intimacy than could have been possible prior to the breach of trust.

If you can move forward through this rebuilding process together, you (the two or you as a couple) can seek to uncover your partner’s demons from the past and slay them together. This is the highest and best sacred work that a couple could do together fostering growth and change, though due to the highly sensitive nature of the material at hand, your partner may feel the need to do this deep inner work alone.

No matter what the outcome, keep love at the forefront and only good things can come from love in the end.