cheating | David M Masters

Betrayal in a relationship, especially when it involves infidelity, is a wound that cuts deep, leaving behind a trail of pain, sorrow, and anger. When the unfaithful partner denies their actions, turns the blame onto the betrayed partner, and then abandons the relationship entirely, the hurt is compounded, leading to unresolved feelings that can linger for years. I understand the gravity of such a situation and the emotional turmoil it creates.

The first step in healing is fully acknowledging the pain and the betrayal. It is essential to understand that what you feel—anger, sorrow, even hatred—is valid. You have been wronged profoundly, and your emotions naturally respond to that wound. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the trust and the relationship you once had. It’s essential to give yourself permission to feel every emotion without judgment.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning the actions of the unfaithful spouse or allowing them back into your life under the same terms. Rather, forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the heavy burden of hatred and resentment. Jesus teaches us to forgive, not as a favor to those who have wronged us, but as a way to liberate our own hearts and souls. Holding on to anger and bitterness only prolongs your suffering. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time, but it is a crucial step towards healing.

Looking at the situation from a higher perspective can bring a sense of tolerance and compassion for the one who betrayed you. It’s possible that your partner acted in the only way they knew how, based on their own life experiences, hidden traumas, and spiritual limitations. While their actions were undoubtedly hurtful, they may have acted out of unresolved pain or confusion that has nothing to do with you. It’s essential to recognize that each person’s journey is unique, and we may never fully understand why someone does what they do. By cultivating compassion, even for those who have wronged us, we can begin to release the grip that the past has on our hearts and open ourselves to healing.

It is natural to want justice when you have been wronged, and many turn to prayer, asking God to bring consequences upon the unfaithful spouse. While the desire for justice is understandable, it’s important to remember that God’s ways are higher than ours. Instead of focusing on what you want to happen to the one who betrayed you, consider praying for your own healing and peace. Trust that divine justice will prevail in its own time and way, and shift your focus towards your own well-being.

Holding onto the past keeps you energetically tied to the person who hurt you. This attachment can prevent you from moving forward and finding peace. Through prayer, meditation, and affirmations, work on releasing the past and cutting those energetic ties. Visualize yourself surrounded by divine light, and imagine those ties dissolving in that light. As you do this, you may feel a sense of relief and a newfound freedom to create a future unburdened by past pain.

Betrayal can shatter one’s sense of self and leave you questioning your worth. This is a time to reconnect with yourself on a deeper level. Engage in practices that nurture your soul, whether spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing creative outlets. Reflect on your values, passions, and the person you want to become. This journey of self-discovery is an opportunity to rebuild your life on a foundation that is stronger and more aligned with your true self.

You do not have to walk this path alone. Surround yourself with a supportive community, whether it’s friends, family, or a church group. Consider seeking professional counseling to help you navigate through your emotions. An awakening relationship coach can provide a unique perspective, helping you to integrate spiritual practices with emotional healing. Sharing your story with others who have experienced similar betrayals can also be a source of comfort and strength.

Above all, remember that you are deeply loved by God. This love is unconditional and unwavering, even in the face of betrayal. Lean into that divine love, allowing it to fill the empty spaces in your heart. As you do, you will find that the actions of another do not diminish your capacity to love and be loved; rather, it is expanded through your connection with the Divine.

Betrayal is a painful chapter in your life, but it does not have to define your story. Through applying the love of Jesus mindset, acknowledging your pain, practicing forgiveness, releasing the past, and embracing your own journey of self-discovery, you can find healing and peace. Trust in the process, seek support and remember that God’s love is always with you, guiding you toward a future filled with hope and joy.

As a love and relationship counselor or coach, undoubtedly you will be having clients facing challenges with infidelity. If you’ve done this kind of work for long, you realize that people stray for any number of reasons, and if you can remain supportive and non-reactive or judgmental, you may be the pivotal player in this relationship as someone who can assist in the relationship’s recovery, or at least, help the relationship end in the most amicable fashion.

Infidelity is a good indicator signaling that something is wrong in the relationship. It’s up to your clients to see if they can unravel the root cause if they intend to try to rebuild the relationship. It will take full commitment to the process from both parties if the relationship is to move forward, not so much if there is no hope and one or more or your clients is determined to call it quits.

Even if a couple starts off as the perfect match in the beginning, there is the tendency for people to grow and change or deteriorate and change over the course of time. There can be many reasons why things might change that may make the once compatible couple incompatible, resulting in irreconcilable differences, for which there is presumably no remedy. Though this is not always the case, as any impasse today could be a challenge to face and deal with another day.

Researchers who study cheaters only have access to cheaters who have either been caught cheating or have volunteered the information about their infidelity. The clergy will have access to greater and more detailed information, but this information is protected by clergy-penitent privilege. Anthropologists, on the other hand, are able to study animals for clues about our sexuality and how common infidelity is among members of the animal kingdom that share our DNA, like primates and mice. Then, there are others who are unfaithful who have gotten away with it and will take this secret with them to the grave. None of us will have access to that data.

Neurotypical Infidelity

The most common form of infidelity is neurotypical infidelity. This is to say that perfectly normal and average people will have a tendency to stray from an otherwise typical monogamous relationship. Anthropologists insist that the tendency to seek sexual gratification or variety outside of a monogamous relationship is hardcoded in our DNA inherited by our ancestors.

People cheat out of anger or revenge, because they have fallen out of love, or “accidentally.” By accidentally, I mean, they were unfaithful for the same reason that a non-criminal might commit a crime, they were in a weakened state and found themselves in a situation where they were presented with the means, motive, and opportunity to engage in a crime or sexual tryst.

Other reasons include the inability to commit or limited emotional bandwidth for a long-term commitment, feeling as though they are not being attended to appropriately, mismatched sex drives, and/or a hyperactive sex drive which may include a strong desire to have sex with other people.

Emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, insecurity, unworthiness, or unresolved trauma from the past may also be contributors to being unfaithful, as seeking a sexual relationship (even if sex is not consummated) outside the couple may boost their confidence, helping them to cope with their other unresolved emotional issues.

Addictive Infidelity

Addiction is one of those tricky areas where there is hope for recovery because we have so much evidence of success stories that it is reasonable to believe that one who suffers from any addiction can overcome it. Addictions may be contributors to infidelity and come in many forms such as alcoholism, addictions to drugs (pharmaceutical or prescription), compulsive gamblers, eaters, spenders, sex addicts, etcetera.

Addictions come in varying intensities. For those whose addictive tendencies are mild, the hope for recovery can be high, though even so, one must realize that relapses are quite common. Severe cases may require supernatural intervention, like (insert addiction) Anonymous. I have often found God to be a powerful ally in battling addiction for my clients.

Considering the nature of sex addiction, certainly one would expect to see infidelity rear its ugly head in any relationship, though few may struggle with the addiction but refrain from acting out completely. This still puts a tremendous strain on the relationship.

These addictions that may include different forms of infidelity are uncontrollable urges that cause the victim to act out unfaithfully. They do so, not to offend the faithful partner, but often participate in such activity in an effort to self-medicate serious underlying issues such as being haunted by an unresolved traumatic past, anxiety, depression, unworthiness, guilt, shame, or when feeling overwhelmed by other psychological issues.

Sexual Orientation Infidelity

No longer in the dark ages, people in the modern world are empowered to express themselves sexually in authentic ways that may have been prohibitive in the past. There is a trend in the laws of the land to support all types of sexual orientation. One of the participants in a presenting relationship may experience a change in sexual orientation. Though one does not normally change their sexual orientation, just simply come to realize that their previous commitment to a particular sexual preference was a lie.

This is a change for the other partner who did not see this coming, though there’s a good chance that the partner who is awakening to his or her true sexual orientation may be just as surprised when this reality comes to light. You are born with your unique sexual orientation but often develop a socially acceptable sexual persona to in effect find an easier way to make your way through life.

In some cases, an individual will look as though he or she is a sexual chameleon, changing his or her sexual preference from one to another over time. This is common enough, especially if their previous programming to adopt a false-facing-front sexual orientation has been prolonged. It may take experimentation over time to finally discover one’s true sexual nature.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on this sort of path of exploration and personal growth, this can put a great deal of stress on a relationship and may very well lead to the end of the relationship, especially if the explorer is intent on eventually finding a more suitable partner, or maybe his or her path will lead to having no steady partner at all.

Malicious Infidelity

In the rare circumstance of finding yourself paired with a malicious predator who may be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, someone on the Anti-social Personality Disorder spectrum, you may suffer from infidelity because your partner gets a thrill from controlling, abusing, and torturing you in a variety of ways and you may never have any method of proving infidelity (or any other secrets he/she may be keeping from you) concretely. If he or she gets the slightest idea that you might be questioning his or her fidelity, you will be verbally and psychologically assaulted (gaslighting), discredited, disrespected, and made to feel like a fool.

If you are in a relationship with a predator, it may be difficult to find adequate help, as these individuals, if they are highly skilled, have the ability to be very persuasive with an incredible ability to con people (he or she conned you, right?) and may be able to manipulate any counselor you might like to see.

If you see this happening, just play along and look for another counselor who has experience with victims of narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths who can help you to protect yourself and deal with your situation without having to endure more pain or loss.

Monogamous Decline

With the expansion of sexual orientation, relationships are changing and evolving and the idea of monogamy is becoming less popular, as it is being seen as an unnatural archaic method of approaching romantic relationships. Instead, the current trend is toward supporting a more advanced tolerant relationship between a main pair of individuals, allowing for straying partners. This is referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Observed as being ethical because there is full disclosure, thereby eliminating the “cheating” label, and consensual due to both parties agreeing on certain parameters.

What are your thoughts?