Legalize Prostitution

The question of whether we should legalize prostitution comes up periodically and has many times throughout my career as a counselor and coach. I have a wide variety of clientele and have found myself working with sex workers and other fringe members of society without judgment. This enables me to have a unique perspective.

In contrast to other coaches, when a client comes to my office, I invite them to enter first. This is a symbolic ritual that they are unaware is going on behind the scenes. This is sacred space, their safe place to do their deep work. When I enter the office, I enter their world.

This empowers me to best serve them in strength and honor from their perspective in full tolerance and without judgment. I believe this, combined with penitent privilege, gives me access to the most intimate details in conducting the deepest work with my clients.

I have and have had, clients who are or were prostitutes and/or sex workers. And I can tell you this; if you knew what these people had been through, if you walked a dozen steps in their shoes, you would not judge them the way you do, if you think for one minute that these people should be criminalized for their behavior.

Think about this from a legal perspective. Is it illegal for your spouse to have sex with your neighbor or best friend, or his/her coworker or former flame? No, not currently. Yet, in all but 10 counties in Nevada, it is illegal for your spouse to remunerate a complete stranger for an in-the-flesh sex act. Note: virtual sex acts, even interactive live-cast via the Internet or cell service provider for pay, are perfectly legal, except for virtual sex involving underage children which is completely illegal.

I know the story deeply from both sides, from the side of the sex worker, but also from the side of the offended partner whose relationship was visited by the overbearing darkness of infidelity. And I can tell you this, based on my experience, the negative effect on a couple’s committed relationship is far more severe when conducted in a legal manner.

When the straying partner seeks a particular sexual gratification legally, with someone with whom he or she has a relationship, this can more certainly lead to the end of the primary relationship. Whereas, if the offending partner had sought this gratification from a sex worker, the primary relationship is far less affected.

Why? Because the person with whom the affair was conducted may have an agenda, one that could include taking your place in the relationship, while the sex worker is just providing a service, without any more intention than being paid for the service.

Why does your partner feel the compulsion to engage in such acts? Well, that is another subject of concern.

Most sex workers are deeply troubled and wounded, and while not expecting you to understand this, they are somewhat healed when they engage in these acts of sex work. It helps them relieve the pain from their often-traumatic pasts and make it through life another day.

If you knew those things which are forbidden for most of these people, the sex workers, to speak, you would better understand them, and have compassion for them.

The most abusive thing you could do to someone so deeply wounded is to punish them for trying to alleviate the pain they struggle with every day. For them, this is the only thing that they have found that works for them.

You cannot force or legislate treatment on these individuals, for no fruit will be born from your efforts to do so, unless the timing and conditions are right. To impose punishment or treatment on these people, the sex workers, who are victims themselves, only further victimize them.

Continually abusing the abused only further distances them from the hopes of dealing with and healing their past in a way that will empower them to live a better life.

As coaches, it is our job to help them find other ways to deal with the pain from their tragic past, which is only possible when their hearts are open and ready to receive healthy alternatives. Then, and only then, can they hope to be free from their past and find true love and happiness in the manner of their own choosing.

If justice is to be served, legalize prostitution, and allow sex workers to operate within the laws of the land, just as your neighbor, best friend, your partner’s coworker, or former flame is sanctioned to do, and pray for them, that they may have hearts opening up to do the deep work when the time is right.

Or not.

We’re all just doing the best we can with what we have.

There is no judgment here. This is your sacred space.

I Was Engaged to a Prostitute

So a man comes into my office and he is distraught and suffering the results of his fiancé’s having left him. As two people couple up, they grow together, getting more attached to each other as time passes.

The more they grow together romantically toward a common goal, in this case, marriage, which fewer and fewer couples entertain as a possibility these days, the more emotional ties they build between them. It’s as if they are being emotionally sewn together by a giant needle and thread or rope of emotion.

Ideally, this would be taking place between both parties but in some cases, one develops these ties, while the other? Not so much, as is the case in this gentleman’s circumstance. The story continues.

A friend of the man reports to the man that he witnessed his fiancé getting out of another man’s car in a local supermarket parking lot. His fiancé kissed the driver of the other car, then proceeded to go into the supermarket. As the other man drove off, the witness and friend jotted down the license plate of the departing man.

Concerned for his friend who was engaged to be married, the witness arranged to relay the information to his friend, including the plate information of the automobile.

Confused and dismayed, the man let the information obtained from the witness roll around in his head for a few days, trying to make sense of it all, which left him only with more unanswered questions the more he thought about it.

They, one day, unable to help himself he took his fiancé with whom he had been cohabitating for a couple of years for the term of their engagement, out to dinner. Confronting her, he asked her about the information that had been related to him by the witness/friend, whose identity he withheld.

She, the fiancé, denied everything, except that she had gone to the supermarket to “get him groceries” for meals she cooks for him. She further accused his unidentified friend of wanting to break them up and accused the husband-to-be of having an affair. She maintained that he was accusing her of having an affair to justify his own. The man said there was no infidelity on his part, that he only wanted her and no one else.

Obviously, at an impasse and not wanting to create a scene at the restaurant, they agreed to sleep on it and decided to talk about it after he returned home from work “tomorrow,” the following day.

The next day, the man returned from work to find his fiancé and her belongings gone. No goodbye note, nothing.

He tried to locate her via family and friends and was met only by responses regarding calling authorities and getting restraining orders, as his fiancé had already planted the cover story of his being an abusive and controlling manipulator from whom she was afraid for her life, so the friends and family pledge to help protect her from the man.

Hungry for answers, only armed with a copy of her driver’s license, a sales receipt from the supermarket, and an unknown man’s license plate, contacted a private investigator.

The results from the investigation concluded that the license plate number did belong to a man who she may have had sexual relations with, but if so, only the one time. This was not a long-term affair. Then, there was an extra sizeable retirement account. She had one built from her service to the State, and the other from an unknown origin.

The last bit of information, the one that held the biggest impact on the man, his fiancé was an active prostitute and had been prior to their engagement, throughout their cohabitation, and ever since she had left.

The investigator provided him with the current address of the former fiancé in a neighboring state.

In an attempt to reach out to her, he sent her a note stating a time and place for them to meet not far from where she lived. He showed up. She did not.

Now, the man is in my office wondering what he should do next, as he is still very in love with her. He is aware that she has had a traumatic past and sees the prostitution as a potential coping mechanism for the pain from her past trauma.

I asked the obvious question, “And you weren’t picking up any clues?”

He says, “No, I never knew I was engaged to a prostitute.”

 

Letter to You from the Hooker You Caught Your Husband with

Okay, so you caught me in the Safeway parking lot getting slammed from behind by your husband. I’m glad that he had already came in my ass by the time you flung the door open. I know you’re all upset, and I would be too if I’d just found out, like this. And what did it cost you? You said it was like ten grand for a private investigator? Was it worth it? Hold that answer ‘til after I’ve finished what I have to say.

First off, you owe me a huge debt of gratitude for the work that I do that is regularly supportive of you and your marriage. The work I do with your husband is keeping your marriage together. Does he sneak around? Yes. Is he having an affair? No.

An affair would destroy your marriage.

All I do is give him what he needs that he feels like he can’t get at home. Isn’t he always home on time? He should be. We conduct our therapeutic sessions quickly and efficiently without any interruption to your life and it is keeping him faithful to you.

We don’t talk about anything personal, I am not his counselor, and we don’t exchange intimate details, or tell each other our problems, this is only a form of physical therapy that he needs. I’m sorry you had to see this, but believe me, it’s better this way. At least he’s not having an affair, being taken advantage of, or potentially falling in love with someone younger and wrecking your marriage. Right?

We call this “car fun” and I do this for you in six minutes, or less, and I’m gone.

Believe me, I believe in marriage. I’m married. And my husband, my family, and my friends have no idea what my real profession is. They think I’m an Uber driver, which works great for me.

Because I’m supposed to be an Uber driver, I give my family and friends free rides, and my husband supports this. I can help three-to-five husbands on the trip back home any time I give a friend or family member a complimentary ride.

To me, this is my ministry. I have two ministerial phones. One for live one-on-ones, and one for strictly virtual. I prefer live interactions. The live app is pretty sophisticated, it’s hooked up to GPS and plots out my appointments. It saves so much time and allows me to help so many more husbands.

I only offer my services to married men because they are pretty well in touch with what their physical needs are, and they are drama-free for me. I just take care of business and I am on my way. I never intend, nor do I care, to see any of these husbands ever again. They are just blank faces to me.

I have been doing this for years, and I am very professional about it. I just offer myself as a service. This is more of a sacrificial ministry of physical healing and support that I offer. My supporters donate a modest amount of cash for my time, and I never charge for sex.

This is nothing like that movie with Julia Roberts, where she is getting $3,000 to have sex with Richard Gere. No, this is nothing like that. Before I crawled into the back of your SUV, your husband gave me a donation of $80.00 for my time. That’s all. And our session was conducted while you would have been shopping. No loss of time and relationship. You get everything you want.

No huge expenditures, excuses, hotel rooms, or lies about being “out with the boys.” None of that.

Maybe you don’t like it. But the service I provide is invaluable, increasing your marriage longevity and supporting your future success.

What I do is not very well respected, but it should be.

That thing that would destroy your marriage? The affair? That is perfectly legal. For some reason, because I am no threat to your marriage and receive compensation for a few minutes of my time in my benevolent work, some people call what I do a crime. If you ask me? The affair is far more destructive and criminal, compared to the supportive service that I provide.

Yes, there was a time when having an affair was illegal, and then only grounds for divorce, but now, that isn’t even the case. In most states, they just don’t care anymore. I suspect that one day, one day soon, prostitution will be legal.

I mean, your girlfriend has sex with your husband behind your back, and that’s perfectly legal. But if he gives her a financial reward of any kind, now it becomes a crime. It is illegal for her to seek remuneration, unless she steals him from you! Oh, that’s perfectly legal. What the fuck?

Look at all the forms of sex work that are legal, right now, today.

You might think that I am a bad person; I’m not. In the eyes of the law, the one who pays is just as guilty as the one who receives.

Who? Me?

Yes, I’ve seen some abuse in my life, and my childhood was such a mess, that I’m often surprised that I survived it at all. But here I am, and this ministerial work that I do, is the one thing that gives me a sense of calm, significance, and contribution.

Yes, I am in therapy, and I have tried other things. But this is the only thing that soothes the demons from my past. In this way. I am able to lead a “normal” life. Yes, you could call it a “double” life, but it is the only thing that works for me.

What if my husband found out?

Well, that would probably destroy my family, but I am very careful to see that never happens. Yes, it is a risk I take every day, but without this two-way form of therapy, I might now be able to be the wife and mother that I am today. You see, it helps me just as much, if not more so than my service helps my supporters.

Some people have different ways to self-medicate so that they can deal with life in a respectful manner, this is nothing different.

My therapist believes that it is wrong to punish wounded individuals for doing what makes them feel better, gives them a sense of purpose, pride in being able to contribute, as an alternative to being victimized, haunted by the trauma of the past, depressed, and suicidal.

I know other people who do this same kind of work, for the very same reasons I do, and to see them further victimized by the system, just because they are trying to make it through this life with some sense of dignity? It’s just wrong. It’s unjust. There is no justice in that, only victimizing victims, until there’s nothing left.

Is the world coming around?

Yes, I hope so.

I’ll bet that there is a part of you that wishes you could go back in time and not give that private investigator the $10,000.00 it cost you to catch your husband in the act. Because wasn’t it better to just enjoy the security of your unshakable marriage and the bright future that you had to look forward to?

Now, look at you. You are a mess. You don’t know what to do, think, or say.

If you tell anyone about this, they will insist that you divorce your husband and destroy your happy home.

Sure, there’s a part of you that feels like that’s the thing to do, right now, but it’s something that you may regret for the rest of your life.

And you’ll blame your husband for the destruction of your marriage all you want to, and your friends and family will cheer you on in the destruction.

When it’s all said and done, and your life is surrounded by nothing but the rubble, you will feel it inside, the knowingness that it wasn’t your husband that caused this, because he was just doing the best he could with what you gave him, and you’ll wonder if you could have given him more.

And maybe you could have.

So, right now, is your chance to look at that $10,000 as an investment.

You paid to find out what you are not giving to this relationship that is needed for you to have everything that you want. If you do that? You, and all the women in the same position as you, would put me out of business.

What are you gonna do? That’s up to you. You have to live with the consequences.

So, how do you feel about that $10,000.00 now?

Oh, and by the way, they don’t refer to us as hookers or prostitutes anymore. We are considered “sex workers.” The work that we do is being legalized, so you wives best take care of your husbands or someone else will.

Love, Olivia