Letter to You from the Hooker You Caught Your Husband with

Okay, so you caught me in the Safeway parking lot getting slammed from behind by your husband. I’m glad that he had already came in my ass by the time you flung the door open. I know you’re all upset, and I would be too if I’d just found out, like this. And what did it cost you? You said it was like ten grand for a private investigator? Was it worth it? Hold that answer ‘til after I’ve finished what I have to say.

First off, you owe me a huge debt of gratitude for the work that I do that is regularly supportive of you and your marriage. The work I do with your husband is keeping your marriage together. Does he sneak around? Yes. Is he having an affair? No.

An affair would destroy your marriage.

All I do is give him what he needs that he feels like he can’t get at home. Isn’t he always home on time? He should be. We conduct our therapeutic sessions quickly and efficiently without any interruption to your life and it is keeping him faithful to you.

We don’t talk about anything personal, I am not his counselor, and we don’t exchange intimate details, or tell each other our problems, this is only a form of physical therapy that he needs. I’m sorry you had to see this, but believe me, it’s better this way. At least he’s not having an affair, being taken advantage of, or potentially falling in love with someone younger and wrecking your marriage. Right?

We call this “car fun” and I do this for you in six minutes, or less, and I’m gone.

Believe me, I believe in marriage. I’m married. And my husband, my family, and my friends have no idea what my real profession is. They think I’m an Uber driver, which works great for me.

Because I’m supposed to be an Uber driver, I give my family and friends free rides, and my husband supports this. I can help three-to-five husbands on the trip back home any time I give a friend or family member a complimentary ride.

To me, this is my ministry. I have two ministerial phones. One for live one-on-ones, and one for strictly virtual. I prefer live interactions. The live app is pretty sophisticated, it’s hooked up to GPS and plots out my appointments. It saves so much time and allows me to help so many more husbands.

I only offer my services to married men because they are pretty well in touch with what their physical needs are, and they are drama-free for me. I just take care of business and I am on my way. I never intend, nor do I care, to see any of these husbands ever again. They are just blank faces to me.

I have been doing this for years, and I am very professional about it. I just offer myself as a service. This is more of a sacrificial ministry of physical healing and support that I offer. My supporters donate a modest amount of cash for my time, and I never charge for sex.

This is nothing like that movie with Julia Roberts, where she is getting $3,000 to have sex with Richard Gere. No, this is nothing like that. Before I crawled into the back of your SUV, your husband gave me a donation of $80.00 for my time. That’s all. And our session was conducted while you would have been shopping. No loss of time and relationship. You get everything you want.

No huge expenditures, excuses, hotel rooms, or lies about being “out with the boys.” None of that.

Maybe you don’t like it. But the service I provide is invaluable, increasing your marriage longevity and supporting your future success.

What I do is not very well respected, but it should be.

That thing that would destroy your marriage? The affair? That is perfectly legal. For some reason, because I am no threat to your marriage and receive compensation for a few minutes of my time in my benevolent work, some people call what I do a crime. If you ask me? The affair is far more destructive and criminal, compared to the supportive service that I provide.

Yes, there was a time when having an affair was illegal, and then only grounds for divorce, but now, that isn’t even the case. In most states, they just don’t care anymore. I suspect that one day, one day soon, prostitution will be legal.

I mean, your girlfriend has sex with your husband behind your back, and that’s perfectly legal. But if he gives her a financial reward of any kind, now it becomes a crime. It is illegal for her to seek remuneration, unless she steals him from you! Oh, that’s perfectly legal. What the fuck?

Look at all the forms of sex work that are legal, right now, today.

You might think that I am a bad person; I’m not. In the eyes of the law, the one who pays is just as guilty as the one who receives.

Who? Me?

Yes, I’ve seen some abuse in my life, and my childhood was such a mess, that I’m often surprised that I survived it at all. But here I am, and this ministerial work that I do, is the one thing that gives me a sense of calm, significance, and contribution.

Yes, I am in therapy, and I have tried other things. But this is the only thing that soothes the demons from my past. In this way. I am able to lead a “normal” life. Yes, you could call it a “double” life, but it is the only thing that works for me.

What if my husband found out?

Well, that would probably destroy my family, but I am very careful to see that never happens. Yes, it is a risk I take every day, but without this two-way form of therapy, I might now be able to be the wife and mother that I am today. You see, it helps me just as much, if not more so than my service helps my supporters.

Some people have different ways to self-medicate so that they can deal with life in a respectful manner, this is nothing different.

My therapist believes that it is wrong to punish wounded individuals for doing what makes them feel better, gives them a sense of purpose, pride in being able to contribute, as an alternative to being victimized, haunted by the trauma of the past, depressed, and suicidal.

I know other people who do this same kind of work, for the very same reasons I do, and to see them further victimized by the system, just because they are trying to make it through this life with some sense of dignity? It’s just wrong. It’s unjust. There is no justice in that, only victimizing victims, until there’s nothing left.

Is the world coming around?

Yes, I hope so.

I’ll bet that there is a part of you that wishes you could go back in time and not give that private investigator the $10,000.00 it cost you to catch your husband in the act. Because wasn’t it better to just enjoy the security of your unshakable marriage and the bright future that you had to look forward to?

Now, look at you. You are a mess. You don’t know what to do, think, or say.

If you tell anyone about this, they will insist that you divorce your husband and destroy your happy home.

Sure, there’s a part of you that feels like that’s the thing to do, right now, but it’s something that you may regret for the rest of your life.

And you’ll blame your husband for the destruction of your marriage all you want to, and your friends and family will cheer you on in the destruction.

When it’s all said and done, and your life is surrounded by nothing but the rubble, you will feel it inside, the knowingness that it wasn’t your husband that caused this, because he was just doing the best he could with what you gave him, and you’ll wonder if you could have given him more.

And maybe you could have.

So, right now, is your chance to look at that $10,000 as an investment.

You paid to find out what you are not giving to this relationship that is needed for you to have everything that you want. If you do that? You, and all the women in the same position as you, would put me out of business.

What are you gonna do? That’s up to you. You have to live with the consequences.

So, how do you feel about that $10,000.00 now?

Oh, and by the way, they don’t refer to us as hookers or prostitutes anymore. We are considered “sex workers.” The work that we do is being legalized, so you wives best take care of your husbands or someone else will.

Love, Olivia