Legalize Prostitution

The question of whether we should legalize prostitution comes up periodically and has many times throughout my career as a counselor and coach. I have a wide variety of clientele and have found myself working with sex workers and other fringe members of society without judgment. This enables me to have a unique perspective.

In contrast to other coaches, when a client comes to my office, I invite them to enter first. This is a symbolic ritual that they are unaware is going on behind the scenes. This is sacred space, their safe place to do their deep work. When I enter the office, I enter their world.

This empowers me to best serve them in strength and honor from their perspective in full tolerance and without judgment. I believe this, combined with penitent privilege, gives me access to the most intimate details in conducting the deepest work with my clients.

I have and have had, clients who are or were prostitutes and/or sex workers. And I can tell you this; if you knew what these people had been through, if you walked a dozen steps in their shoes, you would not judge them the way you do, if you think for one minute that these people should be criminalized for their behavior.

Think about this from a legal perspective. Is it illegal for your spouse to have sex with your neighbor or best friend, or his/her coworker or former flame? No, not currently. Yet, in all but 10 counties in Nevada, it is illegal for your spouse to remunerate a complete stranger for an in-the-flesh sex act. Note: virtual sex acts, even interactive live-cast via the Internet or cell service provider for pay, are perfectly legal, except for virtual sex involving underage children which is completely illegal.

I know the story deeply from both sides, from the side of the sex worker, but also from the side of the offended partner whose relationship was visited by the overbearing darkness of infidelity. And I can tell you this, based on my experience, the negative effect on a couple’s committed relationship is far more severe when conducted in a legal manner.

When the straying partner seeks a particular sexual gratification legally, with someone with whom he or she has a relationship, this can more certainly lead to the end of the primary relationship. Whereas, if the offending partner had sought this gratification from a sex worker, the primary relationship is far less affected.

Why? Because the person with whom the affair was conducted may have an agenda, one that could include taking your place in the relationship, while the sex worker is just providing a service, without any more intention than being paid for the service.

Why does your partner feel the compulsion to engage in such acts? Well, that is another subject of concern.

Most sex workers are deeply troubled and wounded, and while not expecting you to understand this, they are somewhat healed when they engage in these acts of sex work. It helps them relieve the pain from their often-traumatic pasts and make it through life another day.

If you knew those things which are forbidden for most of these people, the sex workers, to speak, you would better understand them, and have compassion for them.

The most abusive thing you could do to someone so deeply wounded is to punish them for trying to alleviate the pain they struggle with every day. For them, this is the only thing that they have found that works for them.

You cannot force or legislate treatment on these individuals, for no fruit will be born from your efforts to do so, unless the timing and conditions are right. To impose punishment or treatment on these people, the sex workers, who are victims themselves, only further victimize them.

Continually abusing the abused only further distances them from the hopes of dealing with and healing their past in a way that will empower them to live a better life.

As coaches, it is our job to help them find other ways to deal with the pain from their tragic past, which is only possible when their hearts are open and ready to receive healthy alternatives. Then, and only then, can they hope to be free from their past and find true love and happiness in the manner of their own choosing.

If justice is to be served, legalize prostitution, and allow sex workers to operate within the laws of the land, just as your neighbor, best friend, your partner’s coworker, or former flame is sanctioned to do, and pray for them, that they may have hearts opening up to do the deep work when the time is right.

Or not.

We’re all just doing the best we can with what we have.

There is no judgment here. This is your sacred space.

Infidelity Unrequited Love Abandonment Prison

Your fiancé left you. She chose her vice over you. You are feeling the pain of loss, betrayal, infidelity, unrequited love, abandonment, prison of your own making, and you are dramatically overwhelmed. She left without a word. No explanation no goodbye, only brash accusations that you were the one at fault. Because you love her, you are in pain.

You start asking yourself, “Why?”

    • Why would she leave?
    • Why would she choose this vice over you and your love?
    • Why would she lie, cheat, and steal?

Then you start questioning your part in all this.

    • What did I do?
    • What did I not do?
    • Was it something I said?
    • Something I did?

Because you still love her, and there was little or no closure, you still want to reach out to her, leading to more questions,

    • Can I help her?
    • Is there hope for us?
    • Can we overcome this together?
    • Will she open up and talk to me?

Your questions are met with silence.

What next?

From here on out, it’s your turn to end this story.

You’ve taken it upon yourself to hire an investigator who has confirmed the severity of her infidelity and its power over her. You have some data and information about her life as a sex worker as the result of your investigation. You have photos, license plate numbers, maps, and a list of over 150 addresses where she has exercised her right to engage in her vices. You know exactly what devices and programs she uses, what methods she uses, how long she entertains her clients, and what menu of services she provides. You know how much she charges (and when she does charity work), how she collects the finances, and how she deals with it.

You know she has kept this vice a secret for years, since before you came along.

You know,

    • She is not going to open up to you.
    • You cannot save her.
    • She hasn’t wasted a thought on you.
    • She doesn’t care about how you feel about her.
    • She doesn’t care about how you feel about yourself.

She doesn’t care about you, at all.

Whether there was a time that she did or not is insignificant.

Yet, here you are, day after day, going over every detail, every nuance, every piece of data, every imaginary recreation of her being with others, then with you afterward on a regular basis while you were together. Imagining what she has done since, and continues to do every day.

This is your prison of your own making.

You blame her for it, but you’ve constructed it for yourself in her name.

Every moment that you spend in this prison is on you. You created the prison.

You are your judge. You are your jailer.

You’ve created the rule of your restraint and containment.

Once you know this, it can come as no surprise that it is you who holds the keys to your prison.

And when the day comes that you are done punishing yourself in her name, you can take the keys, open the door and set yourself free.

When you do, forgive yourself for sentencing and punishing yourself in this way, all the while knowing that you suffered in the name of love. Even though it was unrequited and painful.

You loved. Your love was true. Your love was pure.

But it’s over now.

With your newfound freedom, you will be able to start your new life.

A new life with a new world of possibilities.

What about her? What about forgiveness?

Unnecessary. Though you might require to do this act of forgiving for yourself, your own mental wellness, but not for her.

She is happy. She is living her life the way that makes her feel good. She loved the life she had with you, she would have loved being married to you and being a secret sex worker, but she knows that if you knew, that would never work for you. So, she left.

She continues to do this work that gives her life meaning. It is not about you, never was.

You may feel awful about you being at opposing ends of this scenario, but no one is wrong, here.

Yes, she accepts a certain degree of risk for engaging in illegal activity, which is illegal at the moment, but know that laws are changing and the decriminalization of sex workers is in the works as you are reading these words.

No judgment. Forgiveness may be necessary for the transgressions against you, but not for her life choice(s).

Most sex workers are people who have experienced severe trauma in their past, and this activity helps mitigate the damages of their past, and these victims are doing whatever they can to feel a little better.

You might act out like this, but you are not her.

After all, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

The least you could do is to allow her the same respect that you would expect if you were in her shoes.

Let her go with God’s blessings.

Let it be.

 

I Was Engaged to a Prostitute

So a man comes into my office and he is distraught and suffering the results of his fiancé’s having left him. As two people couple up, they grow together, getting more attached to each other as time passes.

The more they grow together romantically toward a common goal, in this case, marriage, which fewer and fewer couples entertain as a possibility these days, the more emotional ties they build between them. It’s as if they are being emotionally sewn together by a giant needle and thread or rope of emotion.

Ideally, this would be taking place between both parties but in some cases, one develops these ties, while the other? Not so much, as is the case in this gentleman’s circumstance. The story continues.

A friend of the man reports to the man that he witnessed his fiancé getting out of another man’s car in a local supermarket parking lot. His fiancé kissed the driver of the other car, then proceeded to go into the supermarket. As the other man drove off, the witness and friend jotted down the license plate of the departing man.

Concerned for his friend who was engaged to be married, the witness arranged to relay the information to his friend, including the plate information of the automobile.

Confused and dismayed, the man let the information obtained from the witness roll around in his head for a few days, trying to make sense of it all, which left him only with more unanswered questions the more he thought about it.

They, one day, unable to help himself he took his fiancé with whom he had been cohabitating for a couple of years for the term of their engagement, out to dinner. Confronting her, he asked her about the information that had been related to him by the witness/friend, whose identity he withheld.

She, the fiancé, denied everything, except that she had gone to the supermarket to “get him groceries” for meals she cooks for him. She further accused his unidentified friend of wanting to break them up and accused the husband-to-be of having an affair. She maintained that he was accusing her of having an affair to justify his own. The man said there was no infidelity on his part, that he only wanted her and no one else.

Obviously, at an impasse and not wanting to create a scene at the restaurant, they agreed to sleep on it and decided to talk about it after he returned home from work “tomorrow,” the following day.

The next day, the man returned from work to find his fiancé and her belongings gone. No goodbye note, nothing.

He tried to locate her via family and friends and was met only by responses regarding calling authorities and getting restraining orders, as his fiancé had already planted the cover story of his being an abusive and controlling manipulator from whom she was afraid for her life, so the friends and family pledge to help protect her from the man.

Hungry for answers, only armed with a copy of her driver’s license, a sales receipt from the supermarket, and an unknown man’s license plate, contacted a private investigator.

The results from the investigation concluded that the license plate number did belong to a man who she may have had sexual relations with, but if so, only the one time. This was not a long-term affair. Then, there was an extra sizeable retirement account. She had one built from her service to the State, and the other from an unknown origin.

The last bit of information, the one that held the biggest impact on the man, his fiancé was an active prostitute and had been prior to their engagement, throughout their cohabitation, and ever since she had left.

The investigator provided him with the current address of the former fiancé in a neighboring state.

In an attempt to reach out to her, he sent her a note stating a time and place for them to meet not far from where she lived. He showed up. She did not.

Now, the man is in my office wondering what he should do next, as he is still very in love with her. He is aware that she has had a traumatic past and sees the prostitution as a potential coping mechanism for the pain from her past trauma.

I asked the obvious question, “And you weren’t picking up any clues?”

He says, “No, I never knew I was engaged to a prostitute.”