reconciliation | David M Masters

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

It happened. You found out, by whatever means that your partner was unfaithful. Here are 7 steps to recovery from the affair. Infidelity has broken your trust and the relationship, but there might still be a chance you can recover from the affair and resume life with the cheater, if you can include these 7 steps in your process of healing and growth together.

Upon discovery, how the couple moves from this point forward will give you a good idea about how you might be able to predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity.

People make mistakes, and none of us is flawless. We all experience moments or weakness or indiscretion, but this need not be the death blow to your relationship, though it may feel like that when you first become aware that your partner has cheated on you.

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

There is a successful formula that can be followed to achieve the best results possible when discovering an affair, dealing with the cheater and the betrayal, and reconciling. Note that even in the best of circumstances, only one of four sincere attempts as at recovery achieve a satisfactory degree of success.

If your attempt to reconcile includes the following 7 ingredients, these elements greatly enhance your chances of success.

1. Initial Separation

When one first hears about or otherwise discovers that there has been a betrayal of trust in the relationship, the initial emotional reactions of either or both parties may be counterproductive to recovering from the affair. It is suggested that a period of separation be imposed by the betrayed to establish a period of time (a minimum of 72 hours or more as designated by the victim) for the victim to have time to process the information and achieve grounding before digging into the details of the tryst. It also gives the unfaithful partner time to consider the gravity of his or her actions. If, during the separation, he or she who conducted the affair contacts the extra-relational partner (especially if sexual conduct is involved) or acts as if he or she is “single,” this will indicate the relationship is unsalvageable, even if the betrayed partner has no awareness of it.

2. Full Disclosure

When the betrayer is forthcoming in disclosing the details openly and honesty, there is a great deal of hope for recovering from the infidelity. The unfaithful partner must be remorseful, and humble. This can be extremely difficult for both parties. The victim of the affair must take caution in asking about details of the affair and have the strength to deal with the answers received in the best way possible. This is very sensitive territory and it will be hard for the partner who had the affair to be forthcoming because he or she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s why they would rather lie about it, because in most circumstances, he or she still loves you. To prove it, he or she will be…

3. Stepping Down

The cheater must be willing to step down and let the suffering partner take chief position in the effort of trying to repair the damage caused by the infidelity. The betrayer has usurped his or her authority by stepping outside the healthy bounds of the relationship. For recovery to be possible, they must be willing to hand the torch to the victim of the betrayal, who will now direct how the process of recovery will go. While steeping down, adopting remorseful humility and establish non-defensive approach to reconciling, will empower effort to reconcile for a more positive and sustainable outcome.

4. Focus on Rebuilding Trust

The trust has been broken and without trust there is no authentic relationship. The victim takes the role of the conductor, guiding the couple through any steps that might be necessary to rebuild the trust. Patience, humility, and loving-kindness in the attitude and responses offered by he or she who conducted the affair will help move things in a positive manner, but be forewarned that this may be a lengthy process as wounds from infidelity often run deep and are the most difficult to heal. This healing will take hard work, dedication, and time.

5. No Contact

The partner who has conducted the affair must be willing to sever all ties to the person who was involved in the act(s) of infidelity. According to the offended partner, the offender may have to conduct a message of “ending it once and for all” with the person with whom he or she conducted the affair with. The wounded partner may want to participate in the statement of final statement of closure in person, or listening in on the statement. Such a message of closure must also include a statement of love, commitment, and dedication to recovery to the betrayed partner. This individual must be avoided at all cost and may have to include a change of job or social interactive circumstances.

6. No Secrets

The unfaithful partner must be willing to live their future with full confidence in the betrayed partner, willing to commit to a full disclosure vibration, keeping no secrets from the partner. If there are any secrets kept, they should be kept with the wounded partner, no one else, in the recovery process. This may include full disclosure or passwords and other keys, surrendering of burner phones and inclusion of historical records, including banking or other secluded information. 100% openness and transparency indicates increased hope of successful reconciliation.

7. Focused Healing

Both parties must be focused on the healing that is necessary to recover from the betrayal of trust in the relationship. Wounded victims may suffer not only emotionally but physiological suffering may have a negative expression in the biological sphere of the betrayed. This may expressed as a deterioration of immunity, loss of energy and added propensity to chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, and/or increased risk of sickness or disease. If both participants are focused on the healing and reparation of the relationship, there is a greatly enhanced hope for recovery.

With these 7 steps to recovery from the affair, infidelity recovery can be possible if two people are committed to arriving at a possible outcome and if they are a part of the recovery process can greatly increase your probability of success.

If you can survive this as a couple, you may be able to continue to grow and increase your intimate connection having survived such a challenge and emerge as one of the power couples that the rest of us mere mortal admire so much.

May you be such an example of overcoming and rising to new height of love and life that we all aspire to.

If not, know that a faithful, loving, and monogamous partner is waiting for you, but he or she will not be able to appear until you have released this one, and signed off on the final chapter of this part of your journey.

Not Just the Two of Us

Wouldn’t it be great if the two of you were the only ones your breakup affected?

Reconciliation can be a bit more problematic due to the effect that the breakup had on others.

Not only are the two of you seeking counseling, being brutally honest and open, while trying to embrace forgiveness and building trust and a strong intimate, loving relationship, but you have to manage the impact the breakup had on those around you, mitigating the damages that occurred between the breakup and the reconciliation.

It is likely that you reached out to friends and family for support, while dealing with the emotional trauma associated with being dumped by the love of your life.

It is not uncommon for some of the friend-therapy episodes to include a heaping helping of ex-bashing. No malice was intended, but no one likes seeing their friend suffer from the emotional pain of being kicked to the curb by someone whom they’d otherwise liked, supported and whose friend have given her heart to. “That dog!”

What starts out as well-intended, therapeutic banter and meaningless falderal ignites violent rage (which is better than self-loathing depression) as emotions run high and statements are made that would never had been made if there was the slightest glimpse of hope for reconciliation.

How do you explain to your friends and family that the person who did you so wrong (whom you’ve depicted as a monster), is now back with a smile and handful of flowers?

You would expect nothing less than a tongue-lashing for jumping back into the fire… and while you may be more accepting and working toward building trust again, your friends and family do not want to see you hurt again and are less likely to welcome him (or her) back with open arms.

Some of your friends might even perceive that your reunion with your ex- is an insult to the integrity of your relationship with your friend. In this case, your friend(s) might think you’re better off with other friends, as they start to distance themselves from you as you might be seen as a toxic relationship.

After all, helping a friend recover from a traumatic (or abusive) relationship can exert a great deal of energy, leaving the friend/helper exhausted, depleting their own natural resources – which is acceptable if it helps to save the life of a friend – the sacrifice seemingly disregarded, if the offender returns for more and you let them.

Were promises made by the fleeing ex- to friends and/or family that were broken upon abandonment?

What about the children? Were delicate young lives affected by the break-up? What affect did the broken relationship have on them?

That’s only the half of it.

Of course there are his friends and family. God only knows what he told them about you while the two of you weren’t together.

Romantic relationships are hard enough; add to that the affect they have on many of the people within our social circles, especially those within our inner circle, and the relationship reverberates and ripples throughout our other relationships.

The rebuilding of the relationship with each other will also mean both of you will be rebuilding relationships with the other’s others in an attempt to regain trust and faith among family and friends (even if you did nothing wrong).

Is it worth it?

At some point you have to ask yourself, “Is all this effort really worth it?”

It’s better to ask yourself this question BEFORE you attempt reconciliation, because the last thing you want to do is to exasperate the situation by dragging yourself and everyone else through this nightmare (or possibly a worse one) again.

Be certain that you’re not settling for the sake of convenience.

And maybe you need more friends, like me, who will support you – no matter what you decide – we will be there for you.

If it really is true love

Love will prevail

All the love you desire is waiting for you

It’s up to you to figure out if it’s with the person who betrayed you?

Or is this a distraction that will keep you from the love you deserve?

If the two of you share an uncompromising love for each other and are willing to endure what it takes to successfully heal your relationship, this could lead to your most amazing love story.

I applaud all those who believe in and cast their vote for love everlasting.

Second Chances

You’ve loved, you’ve lost, the sacredness of your love disregarded, broken trust, betrayal and the lover that left you has returned.

When your ex- comes knockin' do you send him a-walkin'? — When your ex- comes knockin’ do you send him a-walkin’?

What do you do?

First off, you must wrap your head around the idea that if your former lover left you, he or she will likely do it again. Statistically, this is the bottom line.

If 9 out of 10 exiting exes tend to exit again, do you think yours is the 1 out of 10 who will return to stay?

Only if you believe he or she is “the one” (out of ten) then you need to saddle-up and get ready to give it another go, else-wise he or she gets the ole heave-ho.

Identify if you and/or your partner, are serial breakers. Some people actually attract the on again/off again relationship style and have an odd affection for all the drama that comes with it. If you and your partner are both okay with that, there is no need to read on.

There is a tendency to entertain the impossible romance for a variety of reasons, maybe you only remember the good times, being with someone familiar is better than starting over, after the breakup your self-esteem may have been sinking or you would rather be with someone than to be alone.

These are only some of the unhealthy reasons you might be compelled to allow someone into your life who is likely to disappoint, leave you and break your heart again.

There are also healthy reasons that you might consider reconciliation, like truly having an intimate and loving relationship (that goes both ways), maybe the breakup was due to circumstances beyond your control and were not directly connected to your romance and/or sharing children and working together for the common good, amongst others.

If you’re to have any hope of a successful reconciliation the one who left should be remorseful upon re-entry. He or she must be willing and able to recount their departure, explain why they left and genuinely regret their decision to leave. You should be able to “feel” their regret and they should cite some reasons that they believe that he or she would not walk out on you again.

To be certain that you have your wits about you, you should be able to have the answers to some basic questions before you reconcile:

Can you learn to trust him or her again?

Does he or she have a history of bailing out on previous relationships?

Did the break-up happen due to a lack of love in the relationship?

What does the returning ex-lover expect to gain from reconciliation?

Don’t second-guess yourself. Most jilted lovers will turn their attention inward, asking themselves, “What did I do wrong?” even escalating toward levels of self-abuse. Stop it. You didn’t bail on the relationship.

Don’t fall for the old, “What’s in the past is in the past. Let’s just forget it all and start over.”

As you move forward it may be wise to consider enlisting the aid of a therapist or relationship coach to help increase open communication, evaluating issues that may have contributed to the break-up and resolving those issues.

Both parties must review the past, determine what can be changed also be willing and able to make the changes necessary to increase the odds of maintaining and sustaining a long-term romantic relationship.

If you are unable to resolve your differences, there is the likelihood that there is another breakup looming in your future as you wait for the bomb to drop.

When someone returns, who has turned their back on you previously, it could be an opportunity for you to grow and expand in your own self-confidence and consciousness. A firm, “thanks, but no thanks,” may be an appropriate response validating your desire only to surround yourself with people and circumstances that support you, your highest and best life from this point forward.

Plus, there’s more to consider: Romantic Relationships Are More Than Two People