Tag: relationship cirisis

Third-party Threat to Your Relationship

Your partner’s attention is beginning to fade away. You feel the withdrawal with little or no idea about what is going on. Your partner may not be having a full-on affair or actively engaged in infidelity, but he or she might be being led away by a third-party threat to your relationship.

What is happening is that your partner is engaging in another type of relationship with a “friend” which is appearing to increase in value as this friendship deepens. The third-party may actually be innocent enough but is far more often intentionally “grooming” your partner to serve their intimate and possibly even evil desires.

Grooming is a process used by sexual predators, psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, and other toxic individuals to lure victims away from their primary relationship and they create an emotional bond with the victim which grows until it takes precedence over your relationship, then the predator exerts whatever plan they have carefully prepared for.

It starts off so apparently innocently, as the predator will exploit any potential topic of interest which is meaningful to your partner, their next potential victim. The key is to gradually become your partner’s most beloved friend, to slowly over time cause your partner to trust the predator more than you.

They will use any variety of ways to attach themselves to their prospective victim. Opportunities might be to offer support in your partner’s interests, especially if he or she can find one that you may not be expressing a great deal of interest in. They create common ground to form the foundation of the relationship which is the basis of this seemingly innocent relationship which will be increasingly exploitative unbeknownst to the victim as they are slowly enveloped and entrapped, not unlike quicksand.

Exclusivity is an important component of this predatory relationship. They will build confidence with the victim insisting that they share sensitive information that would be not shared with any other human being.

After the foundation has been laid, the predator insists that the relationship be regarded as highly sophisticated and allowed to flourish under an umbrella of secrecy, as “normal” people may not understand the innocent nature of this relationship, and might think that there may be a sexual component which there is clearly not (at least not yet).

Then the predator establishes “importance” above any other existing relationships in the victim’s life, for no one, not his/her husband/wife, friends, family, coworkers, mentor, or priest can be trusted as much as this snake in the grass, and in time the natural cognition of the victim can be worn-down, until they feel this connection deep inside, in the most sensitive areas of their being.

Later, the predator will attempt to exploit the victim’s inner circle, like showing up and working, or “running into them by accident” when the potential victim is out with friends and/or family. As they get to get exposed to these people, using misdirection, this person will begin to cause the victim to question the trustworthiness of these individuals who may be seeking to exploit him or her.

Clues to your partner’s being manipulated by such a third-party snake might include

You don’t know why it feels like your connection to your partner is fading away, he or she seems to admire you less, and is beginning to criticize you more.

Your notice your partner talking more and more about a new friend or reconnecting with an old friend and recounts comments or observations which appear to be meaningful.

Unusual technology behaviors like increased security measures regarding telephone, computer, and other communications devices may indicate the preservation of “secret” communications.

Your partner may be developing new interest in activities and/or projects which may require time away from home.

Your partner may be staying late at work, or you notice he or she is making more time to spend with “the boys” before coming home, may be spending weekends on special assignments, training, or taking classes.

Once you become aware of this it is time to open a line of communication with your partner about what might be distracting him or her from your relationship. It is perfectly fine for you to express concerns about your feeling that your connection is fading away. Just make sure that you do not become accusatory. Just express your feelings and allow your partner to respond.

Be prepared for your partner to respond with how innocent this relationship is, becoming defensive, insisting that “nothing is going on,” and accusing you of accusing him or her of having an affair and insinuating that there is sexual infidelity (which you have been careful to avoid). Simply and calmly re-state your assertion that you are not accusing anyone of anything, just noticing changes and seeking to reconnect with your partner in love.

Keep the line of communication open and non-threatening.

This is the beginning. If you have caught it in time, you may be able to rekindle your relationship and foil the plans of the person who is trying to set your partner free from your relationship.

A qualified relationship coach can help you and your partner work through the issues and identify and deal with the third-party threat to your relationship.

Be aware that even if this is only an emotional affair and there has been no sexual component, you may agree with so many who have lost someone they love to such a predator, that the damage to your relationship and your heart is far more severe than had it just been a sexual affair. Note that your partner will also feel the same way when he or she awakens to the fact that they have been duped, exploited, and victimized.

It’s Too Late You Gotta Go

Even though my work with couples is highly restorative, there are times when either one or both parties have concluded it’s too late you gotta go leave the relationship. There’s just been too much damage, pain, disregard, betrayal, let downs or other water under the bridge. The trust has eroded, the love is gone, and there is nothing left to work with to build something new.

When this moment has come, one of the partners might be resistant to the idea of dissolving the relationship for good, but for the other partner, who is now exhausted from the constant destruction and rebuilding process in an effort to make things work, it is time to stop the madness and just walk away.

Not that it might not be painful for both parties, but when the pain of staying together outweighs the benefits and adequate solutions, growth and change cannot be embraced or applied over time, the energy it takes to maintain a successful relationship wanes over time.

One of the partners may protest and proclaim their undying love and commitment,

“But I’ll do anything”

In an effort to save the relationship, but it’s too little too late, there is nothing left to work with. If only he or she could have come to that conclusion when there was something left to salvage. And in many cases, a partner will offer up the “I’ll do anything,” plea to prolong a relationship but not the commitment to make the changes necessary to bring the couple closer together. If that is the case, then now, those words are meaningless.

How did we get here?

Sometimes even with the best intentions, two people can let resentment and emotional wounds build up over time. They just sort of gloss-over the hurt feelings and hide them away because they believe this is in the best interest of the relationship. Things just tend to go easier when there is no conflict. It’s easier just to let it go. But you’re not letting it go, you’re storing that pain away, building up an emotional equity that when it reaches critical mass will create a huge conflict in the relationship when it goes off, like a time-bomb.

There may have been things about your partner that you did not recognize (or did not want to see) in the beginning, or the honeymoon phase, of the relationship, but as time has gone on, these things have become more and more apparent, and it looks like there is little hope for change. These can range everywhere from annoying personality quirks to infidelities or harmful addictions, and could have been deal-breakers were you able to grasp the idea of their existence in the beginning. You might not have noticed them because you wanted to believe the best (which is true most of the time) or your partner may have hidden them and now you’re starting to see your partner’s true colors, and it looks like there is no hope for change.

Incompatible core issues, which may have been overlooked in the throes of love, may be a constant irritant, if not the destructor of a potentially otherwise successful relationship. These might be differences of religion, sexual appetite, recreational preferences, childrearing, money issues, work, and retirement plans, among others.

This is why we suggest digging through as many of these potential pitfalls before they become conflictive and barring their disclosure or appearance in advance, it is highly important to have a plan for having difficult conersations and potentially solving conflicts before they arise. If there is no such system in place, you have few (if not no) tools at your disposal for rectifying such opposing views and further deterioration of the relationship is the result.

Insurmountable obstacles and challenges may weaken the energy and resolve of an otherwise healthy relationship. Sometimes something can happen to a couple that rips at the very fabric of a good union, leaving only shreds in its wake, and the result is unsalvageable. Some of these issues might include significant loss of income or resources, change of life or lifestyle, major disease/illness, death in the family (especially a child), etc. While a truly synchronistically-empowered couple may be able to muster the strength to overcome such obstacles, it is next to impossible for a couple on the brink to survive such challenges.

Finally, after it all, one or both partners dies. Not in the physical sense, but more in a mental, emotional, or spiritual sense. They have given up the fight for what they want, let go of their passion(s) and/or desire for a better life. They have selflessly resigned themselves to a life of mediocrity, hoping for the best (an early death for either themselves or their mate). It’s sad but true. Although, in a moment of clarity, this person might awaken enough to feel like extricating him or herself from the relationship is the only way out of such a meaningless life.

These are a few of the ways a couple can suffer irreparable harm which has caused such damage to the relationship over time that it may not be salvageable. At any rate, the truth of the matter is,

It’s Over

The best you can do is to part ways with as much integrity as possible in the best way that you can, blessing your partner and hoping that he or she has a better life to live waiting for him or her. Retain the lessons learned, remember the good times, let go, and find a way to move on.

Is it really time to leave?

August 2017 Image Directory

Wrapping up the month of August, here’s a quick screen shot review of the month’s news. Let me know which ones you like the most. Thanks for your input, -David M Masters

What’s Going on In Someone Else’s Head How to Do What You Want  Law of Unintended Consequences
Infidelity It’s Not Just Sexual Client Refuses to Do the Work When Everything Goes Wrong
You Are the Reluctant Hero Coaches Trained Born and Made What Stands Between You?
5 Steps Toward a Better LIfe How to Start a Mastermind How to Hear God’s Voice
7 Points of Evolving Expansion How to Know If You Can Trust Someone Happiness vs Joy
Alternative Medicine and Natural Remedies Talk to Your Inner Child

Just Go with the Big Change
Disaster or Miracle Find the Blesson Catch a Wave for a Better Life Make Your Dream Come True or Not
Get ‘er Done with Accountability Angry Much? What Is Your Mission?
Where Am I? Lost? Choose to Change EMP Love and Marriage
Obsession vs Moderation How to See People as They Really Are My Love Life’s in Crisis
Love and Fear in Relationships