trust in relationships | David M Masters

Trust Betrayal and Your Journey of Healing & Personal Growth

Betrayal can affect anyone, regardless of how successful or resilient they might seem. According to the author, who works with high-achieving individuals from diverse backgrounds, the pain of betrayal is particularly deep for those who love, live, and give wholeheartedly. When trust is broken, even the healthiest progression can be derailed, leaving a person mired in confusion and dismay.

Drawing upon a series of personal hardships, the author has developed numerous strategies and techniques to help individuals heal from emotional trauma. By sharing this expertise with clients, the author has seen how these methods can guide people through the heartbreak of betrayal and lead them toward renewed hope, strength, and a richer understanding of life.

Different Expectations in Relationships

Every person maintains relationships of various types—familial, professional, romantic—and each relationship experiences highs and lows. While some individuals anticipate that any relationship can end at any moment, others believe unconditionally in the permanence of their bonds.

The “Pessimist” or “Realist”

Certain people label themselves realists, convinced that relationships are fundamentally fragile. If betrayal occurs, they will be disappointed but not devastated. Believing that all relationships are bound to fail eventually, they tend to wonder more about the cause rather than feeling blindsided by shock.

The “Hopeless Romantic”

In contrast, some hold an unwavering belief that their romantic bond is destined to last a lifetime—or even beyond. If such a relationship disintegrates, they often experience profound emotional turmoil. Struggling to reconcile how their once-ideal connection could unravel, they feel deeply distressed and question how they could have failed to see any warning signs. Their unwavering trust makes the betrayal especially painful.

A Personal Approach to Healing

The techniques the author offers may not be suitable for everyone. This particular system relies heavily on an individual’s willingness to harness the power of the mind to heal and grow. In extreme cases, seeking professional help or medication might be necessary. Still, the central decision remains: “I will not allow this betrayal to dictate my future or destroy the life I envisioned.”

The author’s goal is to help anyone who feels overwhelmed by betrayal regain a sense of agency and clarity. Rather than letting despair cripple progress, the principles here encourage forward momentum and renewed purpose.

Understanding the Scope of Betrayal

Betrayal does not occur exclusively in romantic relationships. It can emerge from family members, mentors, teachers, friends, employers, or even cherished pets—though that may present a different type of hurt. The deeper the bond, the more severe the impact of broken trust. In response to betrayal, the brain often develops new neural pathways to protect against future pain, much like learning to avoid touching a hot oven pan without protection.

Some individuals respond by isolating themselves, vowing never to be vulnerable again. This might bring temporary relief but can also shut them out from the rewards of genuine human connection. Over time, self-imposed emotional distancing can stifle personal growth and prevent the formation of meaningful relationships.

The “Default Setting” of Trust

For many, including the author’s clients, trusting people is a natural inclination. Such openness can foster positive energy, drawing in individuals who appreciate sincerity and optimism. However, it also leaves one susceptible to profound hurt when someone proves unworthy of that trust.

The challenge lies in balancing an open heart with the need for self-protection. Completely rejecting trust to avoid future pain can halt the flow of positive experiences and opportunities. On the other hand, trusting recklessly may invite repeated disappointment.

Moving Forward with Confidence

By the conclusion of this process (or after reading the author’s book), readers should have a framework for cultivating healthy, fulfilling, and secure relationships. This approach emphasizes:

1. Self-Awareness: Identifying emotional triggers and understanding personal patterns of trust.
2. Healthy Boundaries: Establishing clear lines for what is acceptable and what is not, without succumbing to constant skepticism.
3. Healing and Release: Acknowledging and working through pain instead of allowing it to linger unaddressed.
4. Positive Engagement: Renewing the intrinsic sense of optimism in a thoughtful manner that attracts like-minded people and experiences.
5. Inner Resilience: Using past betrayals as catalysts for personal growth rather than letting them become justifications for perpetual doubt.

Ultimately, overcoming betrayal centers on reclaiming personal power and deciding how to interact with the world moving forward. While there is no universal solution, each individual can steer the direction of their own life. Betrayal does not define a person; instead, it can serve as a gateway to deeper strength, empathy, and untapped potential.

Life flourishes on connection, positivity, and shared trust. After a betrayal, it is natural to question one’s own judgment or the goodness of others. Yet this painful experience can also unlock greater insights, compassion, and conviction about the relationships one forges in the future.

The author’s hope is that anyone coping with betrayal will emerge not only healed, but transformed—gaining insight and courage while preserving or reigniting their capacity for love. Those who are inclined to trust others wholeheartedly need not let betrayal extinguish that spirit. Rather, they can learn to protect and cultivate this openness, allowing their inherent faith in humanity or a higher power to guide them toward more rewarding, deeply connected experiences.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal, Dealing with breach of trust, healing, and learn how to trust again

What If You Trusted Your Heart to Someone and They Broke It?

As a relationship coach, I’ve often sat with individuals who come to me with this very question: What can I do when I’ve trusted my heart to someone, only to have them shatter it and leave without a word? It’s a painful, gut-wrenching experience, but there are seven steps you can take to not only survive it but also emerge stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your own self-worth.

1. Honor the Pain

First, I want to tell you that it’s okay to feel devastated. When your heart is broken by someone you deeply cared about, there’s no way to simply “snap out of it.” Don’t rush through the grieving process, and don’t force yourself to “be okay” just because society tells you that’s what strong people do. Honor the pain and allow yourself to sit with your feelings.

Give yourself permission to cry, to be angry, to feel lost. Emotions are like waves, and though they may feel overwhelming, they will eventually pass. By allowing yourself to feel, you’re honoring the depth of the love you gave. And that’s no small thing.

2. Recognize That It Wasn’t About You

When someone leaves without a word, without an explanation, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you weren’t enough. You might think, If only I had been more loving, more attractive, or more understanding, they would have stayed. But here’s a hard truth: their decision to leave says far more about them than it ever could about you.

People walk away for their own reasons—fear, guilt, insecurities, unresolved issues from their past. It’s often not something you could have prevented or fixed. Recognizing this helps you stop internalizing their actions as a reflection of your worth.

3. Stop Seeking Closure from Them

We often crave closure, an explanation for why things ended. But in situations like these, closure rarely comes from the person who left. They’ve chosen silence, which may be painful, but it’s a clear answer in itself. They may never offer an apology or a reason, and that is something you cannot control.

Instead, seek closure within yourself. Closure can come when you decide to accept what has happened and no longer allow it to define your present or future. This may take time, but ultimately, it frees you from the cycle of seeking answers from someone who has already exited your life.

4. Turn the Focus Back on You

In the wake of a broken relationship, it’s tempting to focus on the person who hurt you—what they’re doing, whether they miss you, or if they’ll ever come back. But the more time you spend focused on them, the less energy you have for your own healing.

Shift that focus inward. Ask yourself:

- What do I need right now to feel whole again?
- How can I nurture myself in ways I may have neglected during the relationship?
- What lessons can I take from this heartbreak that will make me stronger in future relationships?

This is your time to rediscover yourself, your passions, interests, and the things that make you feel alive. Whether pursuing a hobby, traveling, or simply learning how to enjoy your own company again, reconnecting with yourself is vital to healing.

5. Practice Radical Self-Love

When someone breaks your heart, it can leave you feeling unworthy or unlovable. But the truth is, love doesn’t diminish just because someone else fails to recognize it. The love you carry within you is still there; now is the time to redirect it toward yourself.

This means setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and not settling for less than you deserve. Remember, self-love is not selfish. It’s necessary. It’s about learning to value yourself so deeply that you refuse to allow someone else’s actions to diminish your light.

6. Understand That Healing Takes Time

There’s no magic formula or timeline for healing. One day, you may feel like you’re moving on, and the next, the pain may resurface. That’s okay. Healing is a process, not a destination. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey.

Surround yourself with supportive friends or family, or seek out a therapist or coach to help you work through your emotions. You don’t have to go through this alone. Talking it out can be a powerful way to gain perspective and release some of the pain you’re carrying.

7. Keep Your Heart Open

Finally, as difficult as it may seem, keep your heart open. A broken heart can make us wary of future love, leading us to build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt again. But love is a risk, and though this experience has been painful, closing yourself off won’t protect you from hurt, it will only prevent you from experiencing the joy and connection that comes with real love.

In time, as you heal, you will learn that you are capable of loving again, and more importantly, that you are worthy of a love that is kind, consistent, and reciprocated.

Moving Forward: You Are Resilient

In the aftermath of heartbreak, remember this: You are resilient. This experience, while painful, does not define your future. You still have the capacity to love and be loved, and there are people in this world who will cherish your heart the way it deserves to be cherished.

Take this time to heal, grow, and rediscover your own strength. The best is yet to come, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. And when you’re ready, you’ll step forward into a future that holds the love and joy you deserve.

Lack of Transparency and Honesty Affects Counsel and Growth.

What if someone has come to you for help, and you’re doing your best to help them, but they are not being honest and open in the process? Why might someone withhold important information? Engaging in counseling or spiritual work without being open and honest can stem from various underlying motivations and psychological factors.

Why might someone feign therapeutic effort while withholding truth?

Fear of Vulnerability:

Some individuals struggle with deep-seated fears of vulnerability and intimacy. Opening up in therapy or spiritual settings requires confronting uncomfortable emotions and exposing one’s innermost thoughts and struggles. Fear of judgment or rejection may lead someone to present a façade of progress while concealing their true feelings or experiences.

Avoidance of Painful Truths:

Facing painful truths about oneself or one’s circumstances can be incredibly challenging. Individuals may engage in counseling or spiritual practices to seek validation or relief from distress without confronting the underlying issues. By avoiding uncomfortable truths, they attempt to maintain a sense of control over their emotions and protect themselves from further psychological distress.

Desire for External Validation:

Seeking validation from others is a common human desire, and some individuals may engage in therapy or spiritual work primarily for external validation rather than genuine introspection and growth. By presenting a curated version of themselves, they seek approval and affirmation from their therapist, spiritual leader, or peers without fully engaging in the transformative process.

Social Expectations and Pressure:

Societal norms and expectations can also influence behavior, leading individuals to participate in therapeutic or spiritual activities due to external pressure rather than genuine motivation. Family members, partners, or cultural influences may encourage participation in counseling or spiritual practices to address perceived shortcomings or fulfill societal expectations.

Why Might Someone Maintain a Secret Relationship?

Maintaining a secret relationship with someone and maintaining full disclosure to another individual can be an indication of underlying issues such as:

Conflict Avoidance:

The individual may avoid conflict or confrontation by keeping the relationship secret from those who might disapprove or have a stake in their personal life.

Desire for Secrecy:

They may derive a sense of excitement or thrill from keeping the relationship clandestine, finding novelty or satisfaction in the secrecy itself.

Lack of Commitment:

Secret relationships may indicate a commitment or investment deficit in the relationship or with the individuals involved.

Emotional Unavailability:

The individual may struggle with emotional intimacy or commitment, preferring superficial connections or relationships that can be easily compartmentalized and kept separate from other aspects of their life.

Understanding these motivations can address underlying issues and foster genuine growth and transformation.

The Importance of Transparency

In the matrix of human relationships, the intersections of allegiance, transparency, openness, honesty, dishonesty, withholding, and lying permeate the grid with profound implications for personal growth and transformation. Whether in intimate partnerships, professional dynamics, or therapeutic settings, navigating truth and disclosure shapes our development trajectory.

The Foundation of Trust:

Trust lies at the heart of every meaningful relationship, nurtured through transparency and honesty. In therapy, the client-therapist relationship thrives on a foundation of trust. When individuals withhold truths or engage in dishonesty, they erect barriers to the therapeutic process, hindering their growth. The safe space of therapy demands honesty to explore vulnerabilities and challenges, paving the way for healing and transformation.

The Impact on Intimate Relationships:

In romantic relationships, honesty is the cornerstone of intimacy. When one partner withholds information or deceives the other, it erodes trust and undermines the foundation of the relationship. Secrets and lies breed resentment and distance, impeding personal and relational growth. On the other hand, open communication fosters connection and allows for mutual support and understanding, nurturing the growth of both individuals.

Professional Dynamics and Ethical Conduct:

In the realm of work, honesty and transparency are essential for maintaining ethical conduct and fostering a healthy organizational culture. When employees deceive their superiors or colleagues, it disrupts teamwork, undermines productivity, and erodes trust within the workplace. Conversely, a culture of openness and honesty promotes collaboration, innovation, and personal development, as individuals feel empowered to express themselves authentically and contribute to their fullest potential.

The Role of Support Systems:

Beyond professional and romantic relationships, the support systems we cultivate play a pivotal role in our personal growth journey. Friends, family members, counselors, and mentors serve as sounding boards, offering guidance and perspective. When individuals are honest and open with these significant players in their lives, they invite constructive feedback, support, and encouragement, facilitating personal growth and self-awareness.

Therapeutic Disclosure and Transformation:

In therapy, the act of disclosing one’s deepest fears, desires, and struggles is transformative. When individuals courageously confront their truths and share them with a trusted therapist, they embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. The therapeutic process provides a sacred space for exploration and growth, guided by the principles of honesty, transparency, and trust.

Allegiance, transparency, openness, honesty, dishonesty, withholding, and lying are intricate intersections in relationships and personal development. Embracing honesty and transparency fosters trust, intimacy, and growth, while deceit and withholding create barriers to connection and transformation. Whether in therapy or everyday interactions, cultivating a commitment to truth and openness is essential for navigating life’s complexities and realizing our full potential for growth and fulfillment.

How to Deal with a Dishonest Client

Discovering deliberate withholding or outright lying can present significant challenges for helpers, counselors, therapists, priests, or friends who are deeply invested in their clients’ wellness and growth. Responding to such behavior requires careful consideration, balancing empathy, boundaries, and the therapeutic relationship. Here’s an expanded spectrum of responses, along with their potential implications for both the client and the helper:

1. Compassionate Confrontation:

Approach: The helper addresses the dishonesty directly with the client, expressing concern and offering support to explore the reasons behind it.

Implications: This approach acknowledges the behavior while maintaining a compassionate stance. It encourages honesty and accountability while preserving the therapeutic alliance. If the client is willing to engage in open dialogue, it can foster growth and insight.

2. Setting Boundaries:

Approach: The helper establishes clear boundaries regarding honesty and transparency in the therapeutic relationship. They communicate the importance of trust and integrity.

Implications: Setting boundaries reinforces the therapeutic structure and emphasizes the importance of honesty in the healing process. It sends a message that dishonesty undermines the effectiveness of therapy. However, if the client is unwilling to adhere to the boundaries, it may lead to resistance or termination.

3. Exploring Motivations:

Approach: The helper seeks to understand the underlying motivations behind the client’s dishonesty, exploring any fears, insecurities, or relational patterns that may contribute to it.

Implications: This approach fosters empathy and understanding, acknowledging the complexity of human behavior and providing an opportunity for deeper exploration and insight into the client’s internal struggles. However, uncovering the root causes of dishonesty may require patience and persistence.

4. Non-Judgmental Support:

Approach: The helper maintains a non-judgmental stance, expressing unconditional acceptance and support for the client regardless of their behavior.

Implications: This approach prioritizes the therapeutic relationship above all else, emphasizing empathy and compassion. It creates a safe space for clients to explore and examine their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment. However, it runs the risk of enabling continued dishonesty if boundaries are not reinforced.

5. Referral or Consultation:

Approach: The helper seeks guidance from colleagues, supervisors, or consultation services to address the complex dynamics of dishonesty in the therapeutic relationship.

Implications: Consulting with peers or supervisors can provide valuable perspective and support in navigating challenging situations. It ensures that professional expertise and ethical considerations inform the helper’s response. However, it may delay immediate resolution and require additional resources.

6. Termination of Therapy:

Approach: The helper considers terminating the therapeutic relationship if the dishonesty significantly undermines trust and effectiveness.

Implications: Terminating therapy may be necessary to maintain ethical integrity and protect the well-being of both the client and the helper. It sends a clear message that dishonesty is incompatible with the therapeutic process. The potential impact on the client’s progress and support systems should be considered carefully.

7. Continued Support with Monitoring:

Approach: The helper continues to support the client while closely monitoring their honesty and progress in therapy.

Implications: This approach balances compassion with accountability, offering ongoing guidance and support while emphasizing the importance of honesty. It allows for the possibility of repair and growth within the therapeutic relationship. However, vigilant monitoring is required to ensure the client remains committed to the therapeutic process.

The response to deliberate withholding or lying in therapy requires a nuanced approach that considers the complexities of the client’s motivations, the therapeutic relationship, and ethical considerations. While maintaining compassion and empathy is essential, helpers must uphold boundaries and integrity to foster genuine growth and healing. Each situation may require a tailored response based on the client’s needs, the severity of the dishonesty, and the helper’s professional judgment. Ultimately, the goal is to create a safe, sacred, and supportive environment where honesty and authenticity can flourish, leading to meaningful transformation and personal growth.

Vulnerability and Honesty Build Trust

Trust is not just something you bestow upon an individual “just because,” at least not as an adult, especially if you’ve trusted and been betrayed. Only vulnerability and honesty build trust, whether you’ve had it before and lost it or are trying to share trust in a new relationship.

The depth of a relationship is determined by the amount of trust that can be shared between two people. Vulnerability and trust are the foundation of deep, trusting connections.

If you are considering offering a little trust in someone’s direction, a wise person does not just throw caution to the wind and say, “I trust you” (though many of us do, myself included). I tend to be open and honest and expect others to be the same way, though that is rarely the case, as many people have an underlying or hidden agenda in many of their affairs.

When you meet someone, it’s a good idea to trust them with some small things, bits of data that wouldn’t harm you much if they were to get out. Then watch and see how they do. If their trustworthiness appears to be worthy, you could increase the stakes and see how they handle a bit more sensitive information.

Vulnerability is the precursor to trust.

The more vulnerable you are and the more you determine that this person can be trusted, the more you can trust them.

I have made the mistake of trusting someone whose trustworthiness was unwarranted, and in retrospect, I wished I’d followed this sage advice. I would have suffered far less had I taken the time to trust them a little and observed their ability to be trusted before moving into more sensitive areas.

This does not guarantee a foolproof trusting relationship, but it can certainly reduce your losses due to people’s tendency to stab you in the back.

If you previously trusted someone and that trust was broken, it can be rebuilt, but it will take time, effort, vulnerability, and honesty. The process may even be painful.

There can be no trust without vulnerability.

Before rebuilding trust, it’s a good idea to start with a clean slate. Not that you erase any of the past betrayals, but you have discussed them. The offender, who broke the trust, discloses all the details of the lies, deceit, misrepresentation, and unauthorized disclosures to the victim.

Once the victim has been made aware of all the details, there is a standard negative reaction time, during which the victim attempts to resolve the revealed information. Allow time for the victim to process the data; being vulnerable and honest can be awkward and uncomfortable.

The offender may ask for forgiveness, but this is not necessary. It is up to the victim to decide whether rebuilding trust is an option for them following the full disclosure.

This serious breach of trust can be overcome using this same process. You allow yourself to be vulnerable a little at a time, and the trust relationship is rebuilt slowly over time.

Note that people are just people; we are all different, and they will do what they will do.

Some people may struggle to tell the truth, even if they try. Others couldn’t be trusted as far as you could throw them.

It’s up to you to discover who the people are who pass through your life. To do so, you must be aware, and the more you trust your intuition, the more you will be likely to ferret them out quickly.

So, the next time you get that feeling inside that “something’s not right,” or you hear something that feels like a lie, pay attention and become aware that you may be trusting someone who may not be trustworthy.

If the person turns out to be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, you would have been able to minimize your exposure to this kind of toxic personality.

Trust the T Word in Love and Relationships

Trust the “T” word in love and relationships. I know, we hear more about trust, and its antithesis, betrayal, all the time. And though it is rare, you may encounter the occasional narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, who will lure you into what appears to be “genuine bonding” but is only a scam, to exploit you, and leave you broken and nearly lifelessly discarded when he or she is done with you.

Closeup of couple making heart shape with hands

But if you’ve vetted your partner, and you’re sure you can trust him and her, and you can feel your love one for another growing, then you are ready to move to the next phase of love.

You need to know that,

“If I gave you all my love, metaphorically standing naked before you, allowing you to see all my most private, sensitive, and highly guarded secrets and insecurities, I know that you would honor this openness, and return the openness in kind. And I feel assured, that as we enter this new phase together, no matter what happens, no matter what becomes of this, you will love and honor me, as I will you. Because, after all is said and done, I know you really love me underneath it all.”

If you can say that in lovingly assured confidence, you are ready to trust your partner even more.

When you get to this stage, there is a major shift in your love relationship. Your love that you share with your partner is a strong bond like an impenetrable fortress that radiates love to all those who approach your loving energetic field.

Now, it is rare that lovers make it to this stage. More than likely, couples will have thrown in the towel and given up by now. For others, just the idea of moving a relationship to this level of openness is just too frightening, and they will begin reacting in ways that will cause the relationship to deteriorate, fail, or just walk away.

I mean, think about it. If you’ve been protecting yourself just to make it through each day of life ‘til now, just ignoring and denying the past, your inner demons, and cries of your inner child, just to get to today… why would you risk all the effort you’ve exerted? It’s been like a brutal battle that you fight every day. Why would you risk it all?

Then there are other couples who have survived together for decades drenched in denial, secrets, and live a good life, without taking any risk of truly opening up, and that’s okay, too. There’s no judgment here, we’re all just doing the best with what we have. Right?

But just like in the personal performance or spiritual growth and expansion paths, it is the digging down and allowing all those negative energies to bubble up so that you can deal with them, and let them go, that takes us as people to the next level, and is an important part in our expansive evolutionary journey as the human race.

To be free from the past, to be free from the fears, to be free from the chains that bind you, is where true freedom can be found, and to have the chance to share that kind of freedom with another leads to true freedom, and bliss.

And know this is a process. It’s not like it’s a one-shot deal, where you go away for the weekend and tell each other’s everything to each other. No, it’s a lifelong process, as each of you peels back more and more layers of the onion which is you.

This is hard work. Sometimes tragic. You might be privy to information that you might have rather not known, sometimes about people who you have to see and interact with periodically throughout your life.

You love your partner, and when he or she tells you these most intimate details, you don’t judge, ridicule your partner, or make light of it, because you love your partner, more than anything. You might find yourself being strong for your partner, or joining in a tearful brigade that could fill a lake.

And your genuine bonding need not only be deep and dramatic, you could do eye gazing. Just 5 minutes of doing nothing but facing each other and staring into each other’s eyes will release significant levels of the bonding hormone, Oxytocin. What happens after that is up to you.

Your Relationship is in Trouble What Can You Do?

It’s not uncommon for a couple to run into problems in a relationship because you really are two different people trying to live as a unified pair and it’s nearly impossible to pull that off without some inconsistency, suspicion, or misstep, for, after all, this is life, and very rarely are we able to move through life without challenge.

Challenges arrive in life to give us opportunities for growth. Without growth, we become mediocre and stagnant. While that may work for some who find survival and barely getting by as acceptable, you find yourself wanting more.

A little conflict opens opportunities for inviting something more into your life, and great conflict, even more.

Of course, no one is blaming you, but to respect your partner and the relationship you share will go a long way toward a bright future you can powerfully share together without allowing the fire of your shared flame to go out.

If your relationship is in trouble, what can you do?

Establish trust. When relationships get rocky, it normally is d to a deterioration of trust. Whether there has been an actual betrayal or not, one or both of the parties in this relationship is experiencing a lack of trust.

To build or rebuild trust, just try to be normal, reestablishing routine. You still want to allow room to grow and change but if you’re changing it up too much, too often, you may find your partner responding to red flags which do not actually exist, raising unfounded suspicions.

Try sticking to a predictable schedule so that your partner knows what to expect. This will make him or her feel more secure, but still, allow a little space for informed spontaneity. Switch it up a little bit every once and a while, just to breathe new life with a little unexpected joy into your relationship.

When you’re feeling awkward in your relationship, be open and honest about it. Otherwise, it will look like you’re covering something up (and you are, your feeling awkward, for whatever reason), and your uneasiness will be infectious. When your partner is left in the dark, it allows his or her imagination to go to some dark places. Be honest open, and invite the light of life to illuminate who you really are, including your quirks and inconsistencies, and don’t be afraid to share and ask, “What are your thoughts on this?”

Be congruent. Make sure you and how you present yourself is in alignment with what you really mean. Often, we find ourselves just going with the flow to avoid any potential conflict, but if your partner starts to pick up on your mixed energies, these could be misinterpreted as potential problem areas.

Being open and honest about who you are (I mean the real person you are beneath all your persona and façade) engenders trust. Being uniquely you, naked, afraid, needy, expressive, overreactive, and vulnerable is the biggest power move you can make in taking your relationship to the next level. Be you, and share all of you with your partner. When you’re holding back, you throttle your relationship’s potential.

We all bring stuff into a relationship, our inconsistencies, insecurities, trauma, and emotional wounds from our past, and some of us have better communication skills than others. This is not a competition, but a cooperation. If you find yourself in a situation where you have tried to express yourself and it was received incorrectly don’t panic or get defensive. Just try to be understanding and willing to restate what you were trying to say in a way that might be better interpreted by your partner.

If you are keeping secrets from your partner, you can expect trust to erode. I know, there are a million reasons to justify keeping secrets from your partner, just be aware that this energy will affect the relationship, and your partner will be aware that something is not right, even if you’ve been so careful to cover it up that he or she will not be able to figure out what’s really going on. You might be able to sustain a relationship long term while keeping secrets which are never disclosed but be aware that such a relationship will never achieve its highest potential.

As you move through life together, times change, you change, your expectations, needs, and desires change. Be open and loving about what you need, want, or expect.

Sometimes, you might feel like if there’s something that you want from your partner, you think that giving it to your partner will make him or her want to give it back to you. If you aren’t open about your intention and just expecting your partner to “get it,” don’t be surprised when he or she just thinks you’re being weird.

Be willing to put yourself “out there” enough to say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I’d feel better about where we are and where we’re going if I could have a little more,” (fill in the blank). Of course, your partner might respond with, “Oh yeah, well I could use a little more…” No problem. This is an opportunity to get it out on the table and negotiate. Maybe there’s a way you can both get what you want.

Decline with dignity. If you find yourself giving in to things that do not resonate with you, start saying, “no,” to the things which do not serve you or do not make your heart sing. Keeping in mind also that it can be exciting to share something new, outside of your wheelhouse, just to mix things up.

If your partner is going through a self-destructive phase, you are under no obligation to participate. If you’ve come to the point that you cannot tolerate it, and you refuse to go down with your partner’s boat, there is no crime in getting off the boat. Just as long as you are open about removing yourself from the situation, which may include the relationship altogether. Then, be willing to walk away with your dignity intact.

Trust and the Past

The longer you’re with a partner or get to know a potential partner, the more you will discover about their past. Even though you know the past is the best predictor of things to come, people do change. So, it’s important to note the past and look for clues that they have changed since then, or not.

Haven’t you done things in the past, that have taught you valuable lessons? Haven’t you changed since then? We all learn lessons from mistakes and sometimes their effects are life-changing.

Sometimes people do not learn the lessons and continue to make the same mistakes over and over. That’s why you must keep your wits about you and be observant enough to see if your partner has changed. Even so, you need to know that he or she is not likely to have a relapse.

You want to look for patterns that repeat themselves.

How they talk about their ex may be a clue about what you may be facing. If they have nothing good to say, chances are when they are done with you, they will have nothing good to say about you.

On the other hand, if they are transparent about the things that went wrong and the part that they played in a past relationship, this is a good sign the next relationship (potentially yours) may benefit from the lessons they learned from their past relationship.

If they intimate details about physical abuse in their former relationship (even if they make it sound like a joke) this may be something to take note of. If it looks like he or she loses his or her cool and has a tendency to fly-off-the-handle, this may indicate trouble down the road. You might want to think about ways to protect yourself or avoid the situation altogether.

You will never have to tolerate and abuse in any relationship. Thankfully, in our modern day and age (unlike in the days of our grandparents) you can simply opt out or an abusive relationship and move on.

Some things that you learn about your partner may feel like a bigger deal than they are because of fear, jealousy, or deeply buried wounds that you’ve collected over time. Do not make your potential or current partner pay the price for someone else’s sins.

You might get a twinge of fear or are emotionally triggered because an ex- had more previous partners than you and moved on too quickly for your taste and hurt you in the process. That doesn’t mean that everyone who has had a lot of partners in the past isn’t going to love you incredibly. If you think you’ll have a tendency to overreact, best just let it be.

Be careful about the questions you ask, and if you don’t like the answers, try not to be too judgmental if you don’t get the answers you expected. Allow your partner to have the available bandwidth to be honest without feeling that the (potential) relationship might be put at risk for the sake of openness and honesty.

What if your partner had a checkered past or a previous occupation or vocation which might be questionable? You might jump to the conclusion that such a person might be untrustworthy. Not necessarily. Being able to be open and honest about your past is a key ingredient in successful relationships. And like it or not, people are not just simple two-dimensional beings. They grow, change, and evolve if given the opportunity. Some more successfully than others, but it happens all the time.

It’s very rare that anyone stays exactly the same all their life, though some are consistently predictable much of the time.

When you’re talking about the past, you can get furious about exes. You can ask (maybe start by telling something about your’s first, a bit of quid pro quo) but be careful not to confuse that twinge of insecurity for your intuition. It’s a common mistake that anyone could make.

It could rob you of any potential you and your partner might have had. Keep your fears in check.

Trust is the most important thing between you. If you want it, you must think about giving it first. Set the example and given the opportunity your partner will rise to your level of trust.

You need to figure out what you can and can not tolerate. This is your life.

Love like it’s the only thing that matters because it is.