Trust is not just something you bestow upon an individual “just because,” at least not as an adult, especially if you’ve trusted and been betrayed. Only vulnerability and honesty build trust, whether you’ve had it before and lost it or are trying to share trust in a new relationship.
The depth of a relationship is determined by the amount of trust that can be shared between two people. Vulnerability and trust are the foundation of deep, trusting connections.
If you are considering offering a little trust in someone’s direction, a wise person does not just throw caution to the wind and say, “I trust you” (though many of us do, myself included). I tend to be open and honest and expect others to be the same way, though that is rarely the case, as many people have an underlying or hidden agenda in many of their affairs.
When you meet someone, it’s a good idea to trust them with some small things, bits of data that wouldn’t harm you much if they were to get out. Then watch and see how they do. If their trustworthiness appears to be worthy, you could increase the stakes and see how they handle a bit more sensitive information.
Vulnerability is the precursor to trust.
The more vulnerable you are and the more you determine that this person can be trusted, the more you can trust them.
I have made the mistake of trusting someone whose trustworthiness was unwarranted, and in retrospect, I wished I’d followed this sage advice. I would have suffered far less had I taken the time to trust them a little and observed their ability to be trusted before moving into more sensitive areas.
This does not guarantee a foolproof trusting relationship, but it can certainly reduce your losses due to people’s tendency to stab you in the back.
If you previously trusted someone and that trust was broken, it can be rebuilt, but it will take time, effort, vulnerability, and honesty. The process may even be painful.
There can be no trust without vulnerability.
Before rebuilding trust, it’s a good idea to start with a clean slate. Not that you erase any of the past betrayals, but you have discussed them. The offender, who broke the trust, discloses all the details of the lies, deceit, misrepresentation, and unauthorized disclosures to the victim.
Once the victim has been made aware of all the details, there is a standard negative reaction time, during which the victim attempts to resolve the revealed information. Allow time for the victim to process the data; being vulnerable and honest can be awkward and uncomfortable.
The offender may ask for forgiveness, but this is not necessary. It is up to the victim to decide whether rebuilding trust is an option for them following the full disclosure.
This serious breach of trust can be overcome using this same process. You allow yourself to be vulnerable a little at a time, and the trust relationship is rebuilt slowly over time.
Note that people are just people; we are all different, and they will do what they will do.
Some people may struggle to tell the truth, even if they try. Others couldn’t be trusted as far as you could throw them.
It’s up to you to discover who the people are who pass through your life. To do so, you must be aware, and the more you trust your intuition, the more you will be likely to ferret them out quickly.
So, the next time you get that feeling inside that “something’s not right,” or you hear something that feels like a lie, pay attention and become aware that you may be trusting someone who may not be trustworthy.
If the person turns out to be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, you would have been able to minimize your exposure to this kind of toxic personality.