Wrapping up the month of April, here’s a quick screen shot review of the month’s news. Let me know which ones you like the most. Thanks for your input, -David M Masters
Month: April 2016
How to Relieve Stress
If you’re suffering the effects of stress, there are two systems that need to be dealt with to ditch the stress and get you back in charge or your life. They consist of surface work (mitigating the damages of the symptoms) and deep work (getting to the root of the stressors).
The first thing to focus on is to get you feeling better and healthy enough to consider doing the deeper work.
Feeling Good
You must have the basic building blocks to regain your personal power, so starting with nutrition will equip your body and mind with the necessary components to get you feeling good enough to find joy and the wherewithal to tackle even more to increase your happiness by reducing your stress exponentially.
Battle Stress with Nutrition
To start, review your diet. Are you eating balanced meals (three meals a day or five smaller meals throughout the day), taking vitamins and/or supplements?
If not, start here. Get to eating better and more often; usually a correlation is found between diet (which can throw your system out of whack) and stress indicators. Eat healthy food.
30 minutes prior to eating, drink a glass of water. Make sure your meal includes some fruit and vegetables. Think about adding fruits like oranges, strawberries, and grapefruit, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, cranberries, apples, avocados, cherries, pears, plums, pineapple, prunes and kiwifruit, which are also helpful in stress reduction.
Other stress-fighting foods include avocados and fatty fish like tuna, salmon, herring, and sardines; also red peppers, green peppers, baked potatoes, tomatoes, artichokes, broccoli, red cabbage and white and sweet potatoes, small red beans, black, kidney beans, pinto beans, walnuts, pistachios, pecans, hazelnuts, almonds, green tea, coffee, red wine, pomegranate juice, oats, flaxseeds or flaxseed oil and chia seeds.
I’ve been a fan of dark chocolate for years. You might be surprised to discover that it has valuable nutritional value (if not magical medicinal value) especially if it’s 65% or more cacao and the less processed, the better for battling stress. Remember to partake in moderation, 1 oz. After each balanced meal.
Add the minimum of a multivitamin taken daily can help get your biological system back on track.
Restful Sleep
Giving your body the restful sleep it needs is essential for winning the stress battle. Even if you feel like you don’t have time, you need to create a stringent schedule for getting the zees you need. Set specific times to go to sleep and get up as you put yourself back in the driver’s seat of your life.
How to wind down for sleep
You will sleep better if you prepare your mind and body for restful sleep a half-hour to an hour before turning in. Things you can do to get ready for a good night’s sleep include taking a nice, warm bath, dimming the lights, reading a relaxing book, playing some relaxing music, relaxation stretching exercises, focused breathing,
Things to avoid before going to sleep include eating, watching television, computer, social media, texting, processing paperwork, journaling (do that before preparing for bedtime), alcohol, coffee, tea and chocolate.
What’s Next?
Now, that you’re body and mind are ready, it might be time to consider
The Deep Work to Eliminate Stress
Penny for Your Thoughts
To use this process, you will need some privacy, a copper penny and the ability to reduce your discomfort to a single emotionally-charged statement.
A. The statement
An example might be something like:
“I hate it when (insert name) disrespects me and treats me like garbage. He’s (or she’s) a dirty rotten (insert expletive)!”
Make certain to include his/her name and some inappropriate name-calling (even if you might not do it in front of anyone in real life) and make sure that when you speak the statement you muster up all the bad feelings you possibly can.
Say the statement out-loud just to make sure it is an emotional match to how hurt or mad you are.
B. Place and charge the penny
There are three location of your body that you will hold the penny flat against your body with your non-dominant hand.
The Places
1. Head
Just above and between the eyebrows against your forehead
2. Heart
Over your heart
3. Stomach
Mid-way over your stomach-area.
Starting with the head location, hold the penny flat against your forehead, repeat your emotionally-charged statement (you should feel the negative emotion as much as you possibly can) and charge the penny.
The Charging
As you repeat your statement, tap the penny at a comfortably rapid pace with a finger (or multiple fingers, if that is more comfortable for you) of your dominant hand.
This charges the penny with the electrical components of the emotional charge from your body.
Repeat as many times as necessary, repeating the phrase and charging the penny at the head, heart and stomach locations.
Usually three rounds of head, heart and stomach will yield a major reduction in your level of pain and/or discomfort.
C. Discard the penny
Smile. You feel better. You’re done with that penny and statement. You will find that you can now verbalize that very statement without feeling the emotional pain connected to it. Congratulations!
It’s so effective, you might like to get another penny and try another painful emotion that you’ve kept bottled up inside.
Stressed Out
When you feel stressed, it can be a clear indication that it’s time to take a look at your life and make some adjustments before things get worse.
Even the most successful and powerful people in the world can be the victims of stress, the oft’ ignored silent killer – or certain to potentially affecting greatly one’s quality of life – regardless of anyone’s station (or status) in life.
Stress, if left unattended and allowed to become worse or more intense, especially through long-term neglect or indifference, can have serious consequences. Stress is the leading cause of maladies leading to serious health conditions, illness and hospitalization due to increased likelihood of suffering from high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and cancer.
Stress can cause one’s autoimmune system to break down leaving you more susceptible to heartburn, indigestion, stomach aches, dizziness, diarrhea, weak bladder (leading to urinary tract infections), loss of breath, shallow breathing, hyperventilation, heart palpitations, headaches and leave one more prone to catching a cold or flu viruses.
Increase of body aches and pains expressed as muscle tension, back, head, shoulder and neck pain. Sufferers may also experience tired (dry) eyes, dry mouth, stiff (or locked) jaw, sweaty palms, cold hands and fingers.
Stress can be a healthy alert
If you are alert to the signs of unwelcome stress, you can more readily diagnose yourself as suffering from undue stress, assess and address the conditions causing the stress and take action to turn your life around, get back on track and have a more joyful and fulfilling life; full of health and vitality.
Early diagnosis
The key is to notice the indicators alerting you of your growing stress levels, because a person can only take so much before it starts to infect other biological systems. While the human body is the most magnificent creations known to us, one can only take so much.
In any case, you’ve noticed that you are no longer the person that you used to be.
Here are some clues that you might be accumulating too much stress in your life:
Are you jumpy or easily agitated?
An increase in irritability, feeling irritable, on edge, impatient or intolerant – especially if this is not your standard demeanor – could indicate that it is time to review your stress levels.
Parents get more intolerant of their kids, at work you’re less likely to overlook the actions of a coworker, are increasingly disrespectful to your boss (which could lead to losing your job, greatly exasperating your stress level) or you might find yourself snapping at the store clerk, for holding up the checkout line.
Those under too much stress can suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, panic attacks, anger, resentment, emotional instability leading to otherwise controllable outbursts, on the verge of tears, increased moodiness or nightmares; certainly an inability to find joy or laugh.
Stress can take a toll on your state of mind including racing thoughts, being more talkative. Dominating potential conversations, not allowing others to speak and interrupting them if they attempt to get a word in edgewise.
Loss of concentration, ruminating over the past, thoughts of overwhelm, reduction in decision making capabilities, a growing sense of fatigue and being tired all the time.
This growing intolerance in allowing others to participate in the fringes of your life can lead to isolating one’s self and becoming reclusive, withdrawing from society. This can lead to other behavioral issues, like becoming more aggressive.
You may be more prone to outbursts of anger, a reduction in cognitive function potentially blurring moral cues that could lead to an increasing potential of breaking the law and even criminal acts.
You may become more nervous, affecting your daily routine. Some people become a workaholic, while others take on other nervous attributes that could include hair twirling, biting one’s nails, teeth grinding, twitching, leg bouncing, foot tapping or excessive smoking.
If you are finding yourself experiencing higher levels of stress, and it is affecting who you are as a person, there is hope…
Tune in tomorrow for How to Relieve Stress.
Miss More I Need a New Drug
Ever really enjoy a certain thing so much that you just want to do it all the time?
Then time passes… you’re doing the thing that is so much fun – a lot – then it’s just not as fun as it used to be. You look for ways to spice it up, to add new life to your old source of inspiration and relight the fire… and it works… for a while.
As you single-mindedly focus on this activity that brought you so much pleasure, in the knowledge that participating in it always makes you feel good, you continue to regain those good feelings by doing it more or in different ways.
Disappointment leads to seeking other ways to satisfy one’s need to feel good and you find yourself in search of the services of Miss More. Miss More knows what you want and has the resources to help connect you with that which you seek.
I Need a New Drug
It’s no different than the life lived by a drug addict.
Our brain seeks pleasure; we want to feel good. Participating in an activity that gives our brain a surge of Dopamine gives us the pleasurable response of that feeling great experience that we all desire. If doing something makes us feel good, Miss More assures us that we will feel even better if we do it even more.
The Problem
As we engage in a similar activity over and over again, the neurological connections between the pleasure-seeking system and the Dopamine-producing components of the brain begin to deteriorate.
Just like the recreational user of drugs, like cocaine, who receives a huge surge of Dopamine when they take the drug, needs more and more of the substance over time. In many cases the user becomes increasingly more addicted to the substance, as previous doses achieve less satisfactory levels of joy.
Of course there are other things that spike Dopamine levels that make us feel really good too, like falling in love, longing to be intimate with a particular person, making out, consummating our affection physically, taking a chance with the possibility of great reward or enjoying the most flavorful foods.
All very good activities that create a natural neurotransmission of Dopamine, making us feel so amazingly wonderful. Is it any surprise that we embrace the activities that make us feel so good?
Even though we have access to the very best meal of all time – if it’s all you eat – satisfaction wanes, leaving you wanting more.
‘Ere the things that once brought us great pleasure lead us down a path to lust, infidelity, excessive gambling and other irrational addictive behaviors.
This also applies to other activities, like climbing the corporate ladder, entrepreneurial activities, investment strategies, greater learning and spiritual aspirations.
The Solution
The first rule in sustained joy is to maintain a more consistent level of the Dopamine molecule without running the risk of destroying the connection between the desire and the Dopamine neurotransmitter. So,
Do what you love
Engage in the activities that make you happy. These are good things (as long as they don’t impinge on the rights of others) whatever they are. Just don’t do it obsessively. When Miss More shows up with the answer, kindly acknowledge her affirmation of how wonderful you’re feeling, and
Do it in moderation
It really is as simple as maintaining the connection between what you want and the pay-off of pleasure.
Do something else – in between – and do what brings you the most satisfaction with moderate frequency. Realizing, full well, that Miss More will be somewhat disappointed (something she’s not accustomed to) if you entertain her with moderation.
Use it as a reward
In this manner, you can increase your productivity by engaging in activities that are less satisfying (doing the things that need to be done that have little or no sense of satisfaction) then engaging in the Dopamine-producing activity after completion out of duty.
See, Miss More will still be on-board, just held at bay somewhat (she’ll get used to it) and you’ll be happier and have more satisfaction over time.
Love, love, love.
Everyone Is Dying
What can I do to express my support to someone grieving over the recent loss of a loved one?
As I age, I am seeing my contemporaries – people I have known, followed, admired, loved deeply or been related to – end their journey on this physical 3-dimensional plane.
While I am an incredibly emotional person, I am less adept at expressing my feelings than others to whom it comes naturally.
Due to loss of loved ones in my life, as well as being more spiritually inclined, I have a good understanding about what death brings and a good feeling about what transpires on the other side. So, now, when someone passes away, I am not as sad and depressed about the person’s passing.
Yes, I feel very sorrowful about the separation of the person that I regarded highly in this life and my inability to see them, or interact with them the same way in my experience of this time and space.
But I am less sad for the individual who has passed over. I have a strong sense that everything is better than it’s ever been – or possibly could be – for that person; and that he or she is not far from me.
Still, all around me, people are making the transition, exiting this world as we know it. After all, we all seem to be doing it, as it appears that everyone is dying.
How can I help someone who has lost a loved one?
In many ways, death can be a cruel concept to embrace, especially if it comes as a surprise.
The person who has died is not suffering, but those who remain can be deeply impacted by this immense sense of loss and grief.
How can you help?
Be mindful not to over-extend your concern. Much of the emotional impact being felt by the person struggling with the loss is internal. While they need to feel as though everything is going to be okay, it’s the last thing they want to hear. Being respectful of this temporary state of confusion is important.
So, how do I express compassion without being offensive?
(That’s the tricky part.)
Food
The most meaningful gesture that anyone showed me in my moment of grief was to bring over a meal. Not to stay and visit (for many of us, most of our work is internal. We just need some space to get a grip on things), just to drop off a meal.
Why, you might ask, would this be so meaningful? Because the last thing I had a thought of was self nourishment, as is the case with most people in mourning. Yet it is important that one’s body and mind has the necessary fuel to effectively traverse the processing of this emotional trauma. Your meal can help contribute to their wellbeing as you express your concern and support.
Touch
If you are so inclined and have the ability to do so, extend an opportunity for a little physical contact. Maybe offer your handshake or place your hand on their arm – do not initiate a full on hug, let them do that, if they feel open to that much contact – and speak these words, “I am so sorry.”
Listen
That is all that you say. Let the person who is grieving say anything they are feeling, allow them the space to emote any way they feel is necessary in this moment, without any response, input or correction from you. Not now.
Tears are acceptable
If you have prepared by having some tissues on hand, and they begin to cry, offer them a tissue, but resist the urge to offer counsel. In this moment, just giving them the opportunity to release all the pent up emotion is the greatest gift of all.
You need not be a pillar of strength, if there are tears – and you feel them coming on – you do not have to hold them back, remembering that you are there for them. Do not overpower their release of emotion, and if you must speak about the person who has passed, refer only to a happy recollection with a smile.
Then ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
There may be one small thing that you could do for the person grieving that would be significantly meaningful to the person who is grieving.
Keep in touch
Reach out in small ways to let them know that they are in your thoughts, a brief text, appropriate emoticon, card or quick phone call (without overdoing it) can help someone feel better knowing that someone cares in this sensitive time.
This is a very difficult time for anyone – and knowing that someone is there, regardless of how they feel – is highly regarded support.
Sending love and light to you, if have lost a loved one…
I am so sorry.
The Scientific Experiment of Life
Take a look at your experiential life through the eyes of a scientist. See your life as a series of experiments to carry out, experience, enjoying the process, recording and evaluating the results.
Every experiment starts with an idea
In quantum theory the results have already manifested at the moment the thought occurred. Now, the process will fill in the gaps between the thought and the knowledge to be gained following review of all the data from the experiment(s).
If you have been visited with the thought, the thought represents a knowledge that is seeking expression in our universe. You have been given a gift, a vision of what could be.
What will you do about it?
If you do not take action to begin running the experiment(s) that will lead to the realization of continued unfolding that leads to our continued evolution, the universe will seek another.
In fact, if the thought is controversial enough to be inconceivable, it may be rejected by so many, that it grows exponentially until the thought occurs to many, if not thousands or millions, simultaneously.
What is holding you back?
What stands between you and the performance of your scientific experiment?
The most common hurdle prior to conducting an experiment is fear; prompting a torrential cascade of questions, designed to keep you from venturing into uncharted territory, because there is a part of you that wants to remain safe and secure.
Am I qualified?
Will my experiment fail?
What will my peers think?
What if I do not have the ability to complete the experiment?
Start without hesitation
You must take action to begin conducting your experiment with whatever resources you are able to muster up. Do not wait until you are ready for optimal circumstances or all the proper equipment necessary. Start with what you have and begin the experiment in this moment.
As you begin to collect and manage data from your experiment, the universe will cause the other components necessary to move the experiment forward into view, creating opportunities for you to have access to tool that you might not thought attainable previously to support your continued research.
Remember: If you do not conduct this experiment, someone else will.
How many times have you had an idea and thought, “I could do that,” but then took no action only to find that someone else subsequently accomplished it?
This, alone, should be ample inspiration for you to think about putting your thought into action now.
Resolve not to let your inaction prevent you from realizing your potential.
How do I apply these experiments?
This life as experiment process applies to all aspects of life. Use it any time you want to
Get a new job
Learn a new skill
Create a business
Make an investment
Bring an invention to life
Go on a vacation
Experience something new
Share your previous experiences
Ask someone on a date
Have a baby
Obtain something that you previously thought was impossible
Gain access to knowledge that has not been revealed en masse
It is important to keep in mind that while you are conducting your experiment, there is no such thing as failure, as the process is only providing you with valuable data to be reviewed at a later date.
The world is waiting for the revelation of the results of your experiment.
Share your results below:
How to be Confident Self Talk
Throughout the course of my career as my calling has taken on different colors, shapes, and forms, people have come to me with a variety of issues. One of the most common challenges that I find people struggling with self-esteem.
Back in the day I would work with individuals specifically with overcoming their personal concerns. As I refine my work, currently I work mostly with people who on the move; they’re the movers, shakers and risk takers, who need to be on their game to increase their probability of success; massive success.
Many of the modalities that I use deal with overcoming issues with one’s physiological, psychological or spiritual status. When dealing with issues associated with self-confidence it is often necessary to deal with underlying issues on all three fronts; the body, the mind, and the spirit.
When I am working with someone whose confidence level is a three on a scale of 1 to 10 and they have plans of making a presentation to an important audience, readying for a pitch for Shark Tank or getting to make an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Network, it is imperative that you raise your self-esteem to a higher level. My goal is to get my client to a confidence level of ten.
Level 10 Confidence
When your self-esteem is at its peak and you’re exuding level 10 confidence you are unshakeable and unstoppable. You have the internal fortitude to take on any challenging situation or circumstance that would be intimidating (if not crippling) to anyone maintaining low self-esteem.
That’s why I’ve developed the TENNERCISE system, to raise anyone’s self-confidence level and increase their powers of personal performance to achieve their highest and best. Tennercise utilizes components from a myriad of modalities to get you from where you are to where you want to be.
One of the first actions you can take to get a grip on your self-esteem and raise your confidence is to address your
Self Talk
Self-talk is that voice inside your head, sometimes that still small voice, other times like a roaring lion, insisting that you are unworthy, to be shamed or disrespected in some way or not good enough.
Low self-esteem – as well as high self-confidence – requires constant maintenance. If you’re feeling like you’re not on your game there’s probably a lot of negative programs running in the background to keep you down (or safe). You might ask, how do I banish,
Negative Self Talk
Negative self-talk has to go. It is working hard to keep you down, so you have to man up (or woman up) and claim authority over the source of your lack of self esteem.
Whack a Mole
You have to interrupt the negative self-talk with a quick and effective whack as soon as it rears its ugly head. Whack! How do I whack the negative self-talk mole?
If I’m at home alone, I clap my hands (loudly, creating a little pain) stop… and turn an abrupt about-face. If I’m sitting at a table or desk in view of others, I might flick my ear. In a meeting, I might (literally) bite my tongue.
Mock the Voice
The mole’s voice inside your head can be quite ominous. I find disarming the mole’s voice by reducing it to a funny cartoon baby-like caricature-sounding voice removes all the negativity from the negative thought. Then I make fun of it by repeating it in the silly cartoon voice (using my outside voice or inner voice, whichever is more appropriate at the time) and laugh (or smile) at it. After you’ve don’t this a few times, the next time it pops up, it does so in the revised silly voice (you might not even have to whack it when it shows up in this manner).
Positive Self Talk
Now it’s time to reframe for more positive thinking. Now, in your most authoritative voice, restate the negative as the most positive affirmation that you can conjure up. This is your new positive self-talk. Take note of your new positive reinforcement and use it any time your negative mole-speak pops up. Feel free (you are encouraged to) modify your positive affirmation as you think of ways to make it even more positively reaffirming.
Whacking and disarming your negative self-talking mole can be an excellent method of building self-confidence as you begin to rebuild your new and improved vision of yourself, ready to take on the world.
You can join us in saying,
Look out world
Here I come
Happiness How to be Happy
The most important component for enjoying a fun-filled life full of happiness and joy is just like magic or anything else: It’s easy once you know the secret of the happiness hormone. Once you have this knowledge, the question is
What will you do about it?
Hidden within our molecular structure is a hormone that when released into our bloodstream allows us to experience happiness and joy. The hormone has been identified and named, “oxytocin.” There is no pill or supplement that you can take to replace the hormone or trigger its production.
Oxytocin is created naturally during moments of great feelings of love, falling in love and loving orgasm. We experience the greatest happiness when oxytocin levels are at their highest levels. This is why oxytocin is referred to as, “the love hormone.”
The higher your level of oxytocin, the happier you are; you feel better, experience less cardiovascular stress, enjoy increased immune system and a longer lifespan with a higher quality of life.
How to Be Happy
Fortunately, there are things that you can do to ramp up your oxytocin levels to increase happiness and joy (besides the obvious: falling in love, engaging in love-filled sex or having a newborn baby).
Only you have the ability to pull the trigger, releasing the happiness hormone, but you must take action to do so.
Here are some things you can do to increase your oxytocin levels post haste:
Watch a movie
There are two types of films you could watch that will trigger the release of oxytocin. They are movies that make you laugh out loud, or cry tears of joy or sadness.
Social media
Yes, engaging and interacting with other people in a positive manner (haters are excluded because “haters gonna hate” indicates increased testosterone – not oxytocin) via social media, like facebook, Twitter, etc… increases the happiness hormone.
Donate
Making a contribution or donation, expecting nothing in return, is an excellent way to release the happiness hormone.
Pray
If you’re open to prayer/meditation, the idea of interacting with your higher source or self (feel free to call it whatever you want. I am quite comfortable with the idea of praying to God, but to each their own…) this will release oxytocin.
Pet an Animal
If you’re so inclined, petting a cute, adorable animal (who is amiable to the idea and not a ferocious man-eating critter) will get those happiness juices flowing.
Nature Walk
Taking a stroll through natural surroundings, especially on a sunny day, when you can appreciate trees, grass, flowers or a natural body of water or shoreline will do the trick.
Get a Massage
A little trip to the massage therapist for your choice of either a sports or relaxation massage (or a spa day) will do the trick.
Increase Happiness Hormone X2
You can achieve twice the amount of oxytocin release by engaging in activities with another person (also, in most cases, the other person gets similar benefits). This elevated type of happiness is more related to joy. Consider:
Full-on Listening
Talk to someone – or more importantly invite them to talk and share – focusing totally on the speaker and their delivery. Look into their eyes, watch their mouth, note their voice inflection, posture and be aware of their body language. (And for god’s sake, turn your cell phone off.)
Do a Meal
Either take someone out to share a meal – your treat – or make someone a special dinner to share with him or her.
Dance
Getting out on the dance floor with someone to bust a move is a great way to increase your happiness levels. (And don’t worry; it’s more about the wiggling to the music than it is your proficiency at dancing. No judges here.)
Have a Thrill
Do something that you’ve never done before – especially if it has a little danger thrown in for flavor – like a roller coaster ride or skydiving.
Be Trusted
The feeling that comes with being trusted by another person (not trusting someone else) releases the happiness hormone. Being trustworthy, helps stack the deck in your favor.
Say, “I love you.”
Every time you communicate your admiration for another person, using the words, “I love you,” works just like an injection of oxytocin.
Hugging
Doctor’s orders a daily prescription of 8 hugs per day to keep your hug quotient at its optimal levels.
Happy Happiness
Enjoy these little activities that can give you a happy life.
May each day be your happiest day ever.
Hurtful Words When Words Hurt
It never ceases to amaze me when someone can do something as simple as speech a particular sequence of words, maybe throw in some voice inflection and body language for flavor, that delivers an emotional impact equivalent to an MMA beat-down.
In many cases, words hurt more than actions.
What’s happening when people hurt you without touching you?
When someone hurts you using nothing other than the spoken word the psychological and physiological pain come from either the intent of person delivering the phrase (it’s on you) or the recipient (it’s on me).
It’s On You
Someone can maliciously stack words that are hurtful in an attempt to hurt your feelings, make you feel bad, crush your self-confidence, make you sick to your stomach or beat yourself up over time causing mental anguish, sleepless nights and/or deteriorating health conditions.
Even though the assailant never touched you, a clever and devious person could launch a verbal campaign that could cripple another person.
We all can probably conjure up a memory of a time when someone’s hurtful words were delivered with the intent to make us cringe… and most (if not all) of us can recall a time when words were delivered with pre-meditated malice hurt us terribly. In some cases we might have rather been physically pummeled that hurt from deep within; a pain that can be more enduring than just getting beaten within an inch of your life.
Shame on the person who lashes out at another person, like that, though it is worth remember that it is said, “hurt people hurt people” which might mean that the person who is launching the verbal abuse or assault may be struggling with terrible pain from within themselves.
It’s On Me
Sometimes the spoken word can hurt us, when there was no intent in being hurtful in any way.
This can be a clear indication that we – the recipients – are pre-disposed, locked-loaded and ready to fire at the first sign of an attack. Seeking signs and certain words as assaultive causes to fight – launching our own assaultive stream of hurtful words as a counter-attack in self-defense – is the symptom of inner work that needs to be done where deeper healing may be required.
At the very least, it is embarrassing, when we wrongly interpret someone’s attempt to communicate with us as a psychological attack and start burning fences on a furry of ill-intended words with the veracity of a flame thrower.
Love Hurts
When we engage in a deeply personal relationship with another person, setting aside all our inhibitions, being transparent and totally honest (literally naked) can leave us very vulnerable. This vulnerability leaves us open to experiencing – not only the most magnificent feelings of all time but also – the most pain; more pain than could be delivered by any other individual.
When someone you love hurts you with their words, the initial response might be to accuse them of being psychologically abusive, to engage in a quarrel/shouting match or allow your own self worth deteriorate as you allow yourself to be victimized.
Yet, it could be easily understood as a potential misunderstanding if you could remember a time:
When you hurt someone you love
Can you recall an experience similar to this?
Let’s say you were communicating with someone you cared deeply about – someone you would never have the intention of hurting – yet, here they are defensive and accusatory that you have disrespected or attacked them verbally.
It’s not too hard, if you are able to find the space to imagine what if the shoe was on the other foot?
How to not let people get to you when words hurt
Here are a few brief and quick tools that you can use to help you diffuse an otherwise explosive emotional event prompted by hurtful words:
#1 Love Them
Giving you allowance for some personal space to have an initial reaction to the words that seem to have hurt your feelings – as soon as you are able to achieve some level of clarity – look for empathy.
Yes, they have had enough disregard for you to speak words that you feel are not pleasing to you. When you take it personally, you disregard them in kind.
If you can find clarity of mind, try to imagine what it must be like for him or her to be living the life they are living. Could this be a misunderstanding? Could it be his or her inner child crying out for love?
A little understanding from within (don’t try to diagnose, treat or interrogate them in this moment. Leave that for some future moment in time, if you’re so inclined) goes a long way in being able to imagine why someone might say something, like that.
If he or she is not a psychopath, send their inner child some love and understanding – like a virtual hug – to their heart, and find a kind word to say to them, if you can.
#2 Be Open
Sometimes words that are meant to hurt are a calling out for someone to connect with on a deeper level. It is true, “A kind word turns away wrath,” (Proverbs 15:1) and can open the door to a deeper level of communication and understanding. The key: be open.
Do not judge, intimidate or threaten them. Just invite them to share their feelings without challenging their beliefs or justifying their thoughts. This can have a huge impact and offer healing to the individual (especially the inner child) who desperately wants to be heard, but is afraid; often finding it more comfortable to be rude than transparent.
#3 Erase the Pain
Hurtful words can cause physiological and psychological pain. Sometimes the pain endures over time. I use a very effective and simple technique that only costs one cent. I call it:
Penny for Your Thoughts
To use this process, you will need some privacy, a copper penny and the ability to reduce your discomfort to a single emotionally-charged statement.
A. The statement
An example might be something like:
“I hate it when (insert name) disrespects me and treats me like garbage. He’s (or she’s) a dirty rotten (insert expletive)!”
Make certain to include his/her name and some inappropriate name-calling (even if you might not do it in front of anyone in real life) and make sure that when you speak the statement you muster up all the bad feelings you possibly can.
Say the statement out-loud just to make sure it is an emotional match to how hurt or mad you are.
B. Place and charge the penny
There are three location of your body that you will hold the penny flat against your body with your non-dominant hand.
The Places
1. Head
Just above and between the eyebrows against your forehead
2. Heart
Over your heart
3. Stomach
Mid-way over your stomach-area.
Starting with the head location, hold the penny flat against your forehead, repeat your emotionally-charged statement (you should feel the negative emotion as much as you possibly can) and charge the penny.
The Charging
As you repeat your statement, tap the penny at a comfortably rapid pace with a finger (or multiple fingers, if that is more comfortable for you) of your dominant hand.
This charges the penny with the electrical components of the emotional charge from your body.
Repeat as many times as necessary, repeating the phrase and charging the penny at the head, heart and stomach locations.
Usually three rounds of head, heart and stomach will yield a major reduction in your level of pain and/or discomfort.
C. Discard the penny
Smile. You feel better. You’re done with that penny and statement. You will find that you can now verbalize that very statement without feeling the emotional pain connected to it. Congratulations!
It’s so effective, you might like to get another penny and try another painful emotion that you’ve kept bottled up inside.