Defensive About Love?

If the idea of unconditional love causes you to feel anxious there’s a good chance there is some emotional healing that is needed before you can fully embrace the idea. We are all a collection of emotional wounds from our past which prevent us from fully enjoying all the best things this life has to offer.

In an effort to find ways to survive the maze of all that life can throw at you, you create a defensive system just to navigate the potential angst you can face on a daily basis. You don’t want to feel bad, rejected, threatened, or experience emotional pain, so you make it a priority to protect yourself from being vulnerable.

Yet, love is all about letting go and being vulnerable.

While we all want to be loved unconditionally, the idea of loving someone else this way can be very frightening, leaving you fearful of what might happen if you let down your guard. Your protection of yourself can be interpreted by onlookers, or potential love interests, as hostility or anger.

You may find yourself pushing away a potential love interest, finding fault, potentially offering up false accusations, impulsively challenging, judging, or rejecting any openness, compassion, or closeness because you are overwhelmed by the pain from your past relationships (which can go far back, even to early childhood relationships).

You may be unaware of the source of your angst, still, you remain defensive, embroiled in defensive thought, overwhelmed by fault-finding, seeing “red flags,” or finding ways to blame anyone or anything for justifying your negative feelings.

Just the fact that you were emotionally hurt or betrayed by someone you fully loved and trusted from your past can create an alarm that sounds triggering your defensive response any time you feel yourself starting to trust or love.

When you were a child, you loved unconditionally, often only to be abrasively and suddenly make keenly aware that you cannot trust those who you believed would never hurt you. You carry these unhealed emotional wounds into adulthood, as you collect more corroborative evidence along the way.

As a child, you idealize or idolize your parents, and when they discipline you, you feel rejected, still, to survive, you assume responsibility and accept that you must have done something wrong or were bad, even when you did nothing wrong. You might carry this into an adult romantic relationship, as you seek to replace your parents with a different kind of life mate.

We all desire to grow and expand in a safe environment with another to forge a life and emerging with a family of our own as we mature. When ancient texts suggest, like St. Paul did, “that a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the twain shall become one flesh,” (Ephesians 5:31) note that it says to “cleave” not to cling. To cleave is like the grafting of two trees into one, so that the one tree can bear two types of fruit. There is no separation, yet the fruits of both trees are there for all to see and be enjoyed by the community.

This is the natural desire of an adult, yet your conscious and/or unconscious mind reasons that no one can be trusted, and if you do trust anyone, they will turn on you, causing you to experience sadness, pain, and/or emotional trauma.

If you’ve ever fully trusted and loved someone, only to have your whole world shattered into a million pieces, like the man who didn’t believe in love, what right-thinking person would willingly put themselves in that place of vulnerability again?

You can go on through life, asserting your independence by not needing anyone, “I can do it myself.” Doing so keeps others at arm’s length (and a beer bottle) and isolates you keeping from deeply connecting another or others. “I don’t need anyone.”

You may find ways to fill the void by immersing yourself in your career, hobbies, or addictions if you are unable to love yourself unconditionally. You might be surprised to learn that the same conditions you impose on others regarding trust and love, you also place upon yourself.

If you really desire to love another, you must first find the love for you within yourself. Then, this love can overflow to be shared with others.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Make Someone Love You

As much as you love someone, you can never love them enough to make them love you. Someone will either love you or they won’t. You will be able to trust them, or you won’t. They will either stay, or they will leave and no matter how much you love them, you cannot make someone love you back.

Since people have been exchanging love one to another, unrequited love has been an issue. It’s nothing new, and it’s not likely to change any day soon.

The False Accusation Breakup

There is a growing trend of demonization that is becoming more commonplace in the breakup process. When someone is secretly planning a breakup, they start collecting words and phrases uttered by you dating back to the origination of your relationship.

Data will likely include decisions you made or actions you’ve taken, which all can be spun into wild false accusations which would make others, possibly even yourself, question your capacity for love or sanity, which could be considered as abusive.

The false accusation breakup model is designed to hurt you and make you feel better about this person’s departure.

Until recently, this was a psychological tool utilized by psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists. Today, this is more common in our contemporary culture. When something invades popular culture, like this, there is little you can do about it, so until this method runs its course, try not to take it personally (though nothing could be more personal than a personal attack focused on you and your integrity).

Your attacker (the person breaking it off with you) has had plenty of time to prepare, and there is no way for you to compete or respond appropriately to each and every accusation, which will be voluminous.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of such an attack, your best move is just to listen, try not to let yourself be offended by all the accusations, and just let him or her air all their issues. Try to listen and interject with the, “Oh, I’m sorry,” or, “I didn’t realize that.”

The key is not to become offended or defensive about these exaggerated charges against you. This whole process is far less about you than it is meant to appear.

Your accuser has already left and has likely already made plans that do not include you. He or she has already left, and this particular act of demonizing you is his or her way of justifying their recent actions and final disconnection.

Any attempt to reason with someone who is unjustly rapid-firing a long list of false accusations will only delay the false accusation breakup performance and its ultimate outcome. So, just let them do what they have to do, and let them go.

Will it be painful? Yes, it will because you’ve been blindsided. You didn’t see this coming and it’s shocking when it happens. And because this break-up method is becoming more and more popular, you’re likely to encounter it more than once.

Remember that when someone is done with you, they are done. When they’ve initiated your crucifixion on their own, acting as accuser, judge, and jury. There is nothing you can do about it but delay the inevitable.

You cannot make someone love you, who has already left and disconnected from you. He or she may return later after they have put you through this and accomplished whatever it was that motivated them to do this to you.

If he or she returns, you have to seriously ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to align yourself with. There is the likelihood that you will have to suffer this again in the future, and it will be worse the next time.

No one can make this decision for you. This is something you have to work out for yourself and whatever you decide will be right for you, because all things work out for good, even if it looks unlikely at the time.

So, see it for what it is, and let him or her say whatever is necessary to justify him-or-her-self. Let them go and remember,

You cannot make someone love you.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

My Love Life’s In Crisis

My Love Life’s In Crisis!

What Can I do?

Your relationship has been going on for a while, but there’s this one thing you thought would work itself out but your partner has continued to do something that just doesn’t sit right with you. You thought your love would be enough and your partner would let go of this thing or vice but instead, it’s gotten worse. Now what? You’re asking, “Is it time to confront my partner?” And, if so, “What’s the best way to confront my partner?”

You’ve probably been watching this thing go on, and you sort of thought it would just resolve itself, but it’s gotten worse and there could be consequences. Only you know how this is affecting your relationship and your partner just goes on oblivious to the impact this activity is having.

It could be an activity that leads to a loss of health and wellness, or is causing the breakdown of the relationship and could include anything from eating and drinking to gambling and other extra-curricular activities. Even worse, you know this activity, whatever it is, is causing you to lose respect and admiration for your partner. And left unchecked, could lead to the end of this relationship.

When it’s getting to the point where you’re contemplating leaving the relationship altogether, you’ve let it go on for too long, and is more likely than not, due to your codependency. Codependency is an addiction and the single largest contributing factor in relationship failure.

You have to come to grips with the idea that in reality, this is all because of you. For whatever reason, you didn’t say anything long ago and you might even have the inclination to ask, “How did we get here?” But in your heart, you know it was because you didn’t care enough about yourself to say anything when you first noticed, and now it’s escalated into all this. You allowed it and now it’s out of control.

Denial is a powerfully destructive emotion which could make you think this is all your partner’s fault because he or she is engaged in the actual doing of whatever it is, but it’s not true. You are the only one to blame because you turned your head and allowed this thing to grow and expand.

You must love yourself enough to speak up for yourself when you know something is happening that is just not right. Waiting too long, until a thing grows so hugely out of proportion that there can be little hope of recovery, is nothing short of criminal.

All is not lost

There is still hope, but it is far more complicated at this point to address the issue, after letting it go for so long.

Thankfully, there is an emotion more powerful than denial. In fact, it is the only emotion that may be more powerful and it is powerful enough to overcome any obstacle that stands in the way of your having the loving relationship you so ling to desire.

For your partner, there is no greater motivator than to preserve the love that he or she so greatly desires.

I know, men get a bad rap for being strong, in control, personally devoid of sensitivities, but in reality, they are longing to love and be loved, honored, respected, and adored just as much as you. They want to do the right thing and be appreciated for doing it, so give them a chance.

As much as you might think they could care less about you, if you ask them what is the most important thing in their relationship is, they invariably reply that it is “your happiness” which is the most important thing to them.

Even though you’ve let things get out-of-hand, you still have love on your side and because you have let this thing erode your affection for your partner to this point, the idea of losing everything could be a powerful attention-getting proposal for initiating change (even though this is not the best approach).

Waking up to the idea that one could lose one’s life as they know it, including family, kids, friends, finances, reputation, and most importantly, “love,” could be the best motivation for making rapid significant changes.

On the other hand, if not handled properly, it could signify the relationship’s breaking point and ultimate failure.

Our society holds our men to such a high expectation of being strong and powerful that we offer them little love and loving support and this is one of the contributing factors to such higher rates of suicide of men over women. A man is far more likely to take his own life as the result of relationship failure.

Often failed relationships and the lack of support for men is the leading cause of male suicide which outnumbers women four-to-one. When all they really wanted was the chance to love, be loved, and to please their significant other but were not allowed the chance to do it or make it right due to miscommunication or some other contributing factor beyond their control or knowledgebase.

The only hope of making through this crisis together can be found in

1. Establishing Sacred Space

The home, or at least someplace in it, should be defined as “sacred.” This activity will never breach this place. Also, this place is reserved for safe conversation and exchange, where the topic of this crisis can be discussed without judgment.

2. Allowing Time for Healing

Both the accuser and the partner engaged in the activity must agree to allow the time necessary to address the behavior, which may have become a growing addiction over time. Just as this issue has developed over time, it may take some time to change the behavior.

3. Being Open and Honest

It is incumbent for both parties to be both honest and open when communicating about this behavior which has gotten out of control. Yu need to express how this activity makes you feel, what your innermost thoughts are, where your mind goes, how it affects your heart, love and admiration. And your partner needs to be offered the same courtesy through this tough time.

4. Sincerity and Compassion

This is the time to be sincere and compassionate, not superior or demanding. No pointing of the finger, insisting, “You did this,” or, “You did that.” For heaven’s sake, don’t nominate yourself as the flawless almighty by accusing your partner of being any less human by asking, “Who does that?” as if no other human being on the planet would consider doing such a thing. This is the time to imagine what it might feel like to be in his or her shoes right now. What if it was your partner issuing you an ultimatum right now?

5. Get Help

If there is time, space and the ability to seek out a relationship coach, clergy, or counselor, consider reaching out for to someone for support and a fresh perspective. The relationship might not be salvageable but if it is, someone with a clear perspective and access to additional resources might be able to save all the good things your relationship represents.

Let’s face it. You didn’t get into this relationship for all this drama, even if you contributed to it. The truth is, you loved your partner, and the reasons you decided to align yourself with him or her are probably still there. Even though you might not be able to see clearly through the veil of the current crisis.

If this conflict was the result of your codependence, be aware that your next relationship will not be any better until you move through the dependence continuum from codependence, to independence, then onto interdependence, when you can successfully manage a healthy relationship.

Love can prevail over a crisis, but it will take action, not just words, motivated by pure love to get from here to there.

You can do this, if you want to.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.