love | David M Masters

Not Just the Two of Us

Wouldn’t it be great if the two of you were the only ones your breakup affected?

Reconciliation can be a bit more problematic due to the effect that the breakup had on others.

Not only are the two of you seeking counseling, being brutally honest and open, while trying to embrace forgiveness and building trust and a strong intimate, loving relationship, but you have to manage the impact the breakup had on those around you, mitigating the damages that occurred between the breakup and the reconciliation.

It is likely that you reached out to friends and family for support, while dealing with the emotional trauma associated with being dumped by the love of your life.

It is not uncommon for some of the friend-therapy episodes to include a heaping helping of ex-bashing. No malice was intended, but no one likes seeing their friend suffer from the emotional pain of being kicked to the curb by someone whom they’d otherwise liked, supported and whose friend have given her heart to. “That dog!”

What starts out as well-intended, therapeutic banter and meaningless falderal ignites violent rage (which is better than self-loathing depression) as emotions run high and statements are made that would never had been made if there was the slightest glimpse of hope for reconciliation.

How do you explain to your friends and family that the person who did you so wrong (whom you’ve depicted as a monster), is now back with a smile and handful of flowers?

You would expect nothing less than a tongue-lashing for jumping back into the fire… and while you may be more accepting and working toward building trust again, your friends and family do not want to see you hurt again and are less likely to welcome him (or her) back with open arms.

Some of your friends might even perceive that your reunion with your ex- is an insult to the integrity of your relationship with your friend. In this case, your friend(s) might think you’re better off with other friends, as they start to distance themselves from you as you might be seen as a toxic relationship.

After all, helping a friend recover from a traumatic (or abusive) relationship can exert a great deal of energy, leaving the friend/helper exhausted, depleting their own natural resources – which is acceptable if it helps to save the life of a friend – the sacrifice seemingly disregarded, if the offender returns for more and you let them.

Were promises made by the fleeing ex- to friends and/or family that were broken upon abandonment?

What about the children? Were delicate young lives affected by the break-up? What affect did the broken relationship have on them?

That’s only the half of it.

Of course there are his friends and family. God only knows what he told them about you while the two of you weren’t together.

Romantic relationships are hard enough; add to that the affect they have on many of the people within our social circles, especially those within our inner circle, and the relationship reverberates and ripples throughout our other relationships.

The rebuilding of the relationship with each other will also mean both of you will be rebuilding relationships with the other’s others in an attempt to regain trust and faith among family and friends (even if you did nothing wrong).

Is it worth it?

At some point you have to ask yourself, “Is all this effort really worth it?”

It’s better to ask yourself this question BEFORE you attempt reconciliation, because the last thing you want to do is to exasperate the situation by dragging yourself and everyone else through this nightmare (or possibly a worse one) again.

Be certain that you’re not settling for the sake of convenience.

And maybe you need more friends, like me, who will support you – no matter what you decide – we will be there for you.

If it really is true love

Love will prevail

All the love you desire is waiting for you

It’s up to you to figure out if it’s with the person who betrayed you?

Or is this a distraction that will keep you from the love you deserve?

If the two of you share an uncompromising love for each other and are willing to endure what it takes to successfully heal your relationship, this could lead to your most amazing love story.

I applaud all those who believe in and cast their vote for love everlasting.

Second Chances

You’ve loved, you’ve lost, the sacredness of your love disregarded, broken trust, betrayal and the lover that left you has returned.

When your ex- comes knockin' do you send him a-walkin'? — When your ex- comes knockin’ do you send him a-walkin’?

What do you do?

First off, you must wrap your head around the idea that if your former lover left you, he or she will likely do it again. Statistically, this is the bottom line.

If 9 out of 10 exiting exes tend to exit again, do you think yours is the 1 out of 10 who will return to stay?

Only if you believe he or she is “the one” (out of ten) then you need to saddle-up and get ready to give it another go, else-wise he or she gets the ole heave-ho.

Identify if you and/or your partner, are serial breakers. Some people actually attract the on again/off again relationship style and have an odd affection for all the drama that comes with it. If you and your partner are both okay with that, there is no need to read on.

There is a tendency to entertain the impossible romance for a variety of reasons, maybe you only remember the good times, being with someone familiar is better than starting over, after the breakup your self-esteem may have been sinking or you would rather be with someone than to be alone.

These are only some of the unhealthy reasons you might be compelled to allow someone into your life who is likely to disappoint, leave you and break your heart again.

There are also healthy reasons that you might consider reconciliation, like truly having an intimate and loving relationship (that goes both ways), maybe the breakup was due to circumstances beyond your control and were not directly connected to your romance and/or sharing children and working together for the common good, amongst others.

If you’re to have any hope of a successful reconciliation the one who left should be remorseful upon re-entry. He or she must be willing and able to recount their departure, explain why they left and genuinely regret their decision to leave. You should be able to “feel” their regret and they should cite some reasons that they believe that he or she would not walk out on you again.

To be certain that you have your wits about you, you should be able to have the answers to some basic questions before you reconcile:

Can you learn to trust him or her again?

Does he or she have a history of bailing out on previous relationships?

Did the break-up happen due to a lack of love in the relationship?

What does the returning ex-lover expect to gain from reconciliation?

Don’t second-guess yourself. Most jilted lovers will turn their attention inward, asking themselves, “What did I do wrong?” even escalating toward levels of self-abuse. Stop it. You didn’t bail on the relationship.

Don’t fall for the old, “What’s in the past is in the past. Let’s just forget it all and start over.”

As you move forward it may be wise to consider enlisting the aid of a therapist or relationship coach to help increase open communication, evaluating issues that may have contributed to the break-up and resolving those issues.

Both parties must review the past, determine what can be changed also be willing and able to make the changes necessary to increase the odds of maintaining and sustaining a long-term romantic relationship.

If you are unable to resolve your differences, there is the likelihood that there is another breakup looming in your future as you wait for the bomb to drop.

When someone returns, who has turned their back on you previously, it could be an opportunity for you to grow and expand in your own self-confidence and consciousness. A firm, “thanks, but no thanks,” may be an appropriate response validating your desire only to surround yourself with people and circumstances that support you, your highest and best life from this point forward.

Plus, there’s more to consider: Romantic Relationships Are More Than Two People

Broken Heart

What can you do when someone breaks your heart?

When it comes down to it, you only have two choices: to try to salvage the relationship (or what’s left of it) or to walk away from it altogether.

The fact of the matter is that people in relationships do not always have the best integrity. They keep secrets, fail to disclose specific details about things – including their true feelings – and misrepresent their level of commitment and a host of other lies and deceit.

Two people, like that, are a perfect match for each other. The problems arise when you have one integrous person, and one who is not, in the same relationship. At some point the relationship will experience a great deal of conflict and some of the incongruency will be revealed, leaving the other feeling betrayed and suffering from a broken heart.

When it becomes apparent that you appear to be the victim of unrequited love, you find yourself looking at all the clues that you overlooked over the term of the relationship. Those little inconsistencies bear more and more weight in retrospect, and it’s easy to blame yourself, like, “Why didn’t I pay more attention to that when it happened?”

The reason is because you wanted to believe the love that you had for the other person was being returned in kind. You projected your love on the other person, when in reality he or she was unable to do so.

Why? Because of all the benefits that come from loving and being loved. We project our lovingness onto them because receiving (or believing that we are receiving) the love we are giving gives us the benefits of a feeling of belonging and being treasured which actually makes us healthier and happier enabling us to live longer, with higher quality of life.

Truth be told, most (if not all) participants in a romantic relationship (even the most integrous and loving ones) maintain some level of deceit. It’s as though there is a righteous kind of deceit that has no intended malice, but is an effort to honor the feelings of the other person. In fact, most successful relationships are comprised of a complicated blend of honor and well-intended deception.

In this respect, it’s easy to say, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Because even though you may have loved the other person with all your heart, chances are you, too, have not been completely honest and open. If you have… it is somewhat more tragic, nonetheless, you’re still at the same juncture.

If the other person has left, there is little you can do but to let them go.

There is a delicate thread that separates seeking reconciliation and obsessive stalking (which there are laws against that could carry legal ramifications including jail time).

If you are left alone, be mindful that true love is still seeking you (though you may not feel like it at the moment) and you will be rewarded for your diligence, if you become the love that you seek.

In the event the former lover returns in an attempt to re-establish their romantic relationship with you, proceed with caution.

Is it possible to establish trust again with someone who has betrayed you?

See: Second Chances

I Found My Soul Mate!

Ever since I was a little tyke, I fantasized about one day finding my one true love and living happily ever after.

Then all my dreams came true; I was never so thrilled as to have found the woman of my dreams right after high school, fell deeply in love, shouted from the rooftops, “I found my soul mate!”

I got married, raised a family and lived happily ever after. (That is, if you can define “ever after” as being a limited amount of time.)

Even though I was armed in relationship training – and helped others find ways to prolong their relationships – I discovered individuals participate in relationships for different reasons (want more on those details? Don’t hesitate to ask).

While we might desire to find our soul mate, it appears the soul mate relationship is transient.

It’s one thing to enter a full-on relationship with the first pretty gal or handsome fella to pay attention to you, but if you’ve exerted a great deal of effort to find “the one,” you’d think it reasonable to expect a higher degree of relationship longevity.

As I witnessed the relationships of others struggle, change and disintegrate, I began to wonder why?

Even I, the devout love seeker and purveyor of love, could not seem to sustain a life-long relationship.

Is it possible to find the perfect person to live out the rest of your days with?

The answer must be, “yes,” because other people do it; or do they?

Certainly there are examples of relationships that are sustained over a lifetime… at what cost?

If you are in a position to allow the participants to be open and honest about their relationship, separately and together, you may discover most of them are not as lovely as they appear to be on the surface.

I reasoned there are different kinds of soul mates who make appearances throughout your life’s journey. Some are not going to play the “mate” part very long because it is their job to affect the growth and expansion of your “soul.”

Granted, it can take some time and effort to first imagine, and then realize, the blessing in each wild and crazy relationship entanglement; but it is there.

Friedrich Nietzsche blessed our vernacular with words that have become commonplace, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” These words ring true, unless you choose to let whatever-it-is destroy you, as you give up, allow yourself to deteriorate and finally cease to be.

You Choose

Every action has a reaction, but you get to determine in which direction the energy will flow – whether positive or negative – the choice is yours.

You Change

You also have the opportunity – at any given point in time – to change.

If the direction that you originally recoiled was southerly, toward the negative… that’s okay.

“I will never fall in love again.”

You can – now, whenever you are ready or now – change your direction to your northern-bound more positive destination.

“I am ready for the best love ever.”

Life is a journey; and exciting plethora of emotional experiences all designed to allow us to grow into the highest and best version of ourselves.

Is it hard?

Sometimes it is hard – and you may not be able to see it, in the tragedy of the moment – but as you review the tapes of the game (yes, this is a sports reference) you will discover how each misstep helped to educate you, giving you the opportunity to hone your skills and make you better (even better, thanks to slow motion and frame-by-frame review).

Is it worth it?

Nothing else is.

Are you ready to receive your soul mate now?

I believe You Can Get What You Want

Love Like It’s the Only Thing That Matters

Many people when they come to the end of their lives regret two things: The things they neglected to do and the love that they neglected to give.

Thankfully, my life is full of life lived to its fullest featuring many accomplishments and lots of love – all kinds of love – always authentically given sometimes reciprocal others unrequited; all enormously incredible and without regret.

When having half a notion to consider tackling an idea or project, I have been in a position to launch with enough fortitude to give it the ol’ college try. The results have run the gamut, everything from hilarious failure to incredible success (and everything in between); never a dull moment in the life of Masters.

Some people who have witnessed the less than desirable results of some of my projects expected me to feel bad about the, “failure.” Though, I’ve never looked at any of them as failures, only lessons learned along the way, cumulative as I continue to move forward.

My clients comprehend this never-say-die attitude (even have some of it reserved for themselves), while other folks would have thrown in the towel long ago.

In regular social circles I humbly practice restraint so as not to appear to have such a vast degree of varied experiences (unless, of course, I’m in the company of one of my friends or clients who also have the same kind of personal portfolio).

In love, I practice the same regard for others. There is a kind of love that is relentless, like that which is shared amongst my children, siblings, and extended family. Romantic relationships can be a little trickier. Certainly, I can be all-in and love full on but that is not always the case for the other participant. I realize that we all are just doing the best we can with what we have. And though it may be painful in the moment… it is what it is.

For me, it is better to live a love without take-backs. That is to say, if I ever loved someone (as a lover or as a friend) I never disregard that love, no matter the circumstance.

I believe it is better to let bygones be bygones and just continue to love, even if the other has moved on. The pain and angst that goes along with holding a grudge or maintaining any level of bad feelings only hurts myself and dishonors the love and respect previously assigned to the individual.

Every relationship is an opportunity to better understand the human condition and each experience plays an intricate part in my continued training, giving me more insight to share with friends and clients who may find themselves in a similar situation.

I like that Dave Mason song lyric, “So let’s leave it alone, ’cause we can’t see eye to eye. There ain’t no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy. There’s only you and me and we just disagree.”

I also understand that not everyone is called to a forever love and regard for others, and that’s okay, too.

Love Like It’s the Only Thing That Matters

We are all just trying to make it though this life to get to the others side; there is no right way, or wrong way. And if you’re hating on me now… Believe me, it’s all right. We will laugh about this on the other side.

If you’re struggling with the intimate details of a relationship that gone awry, a good relationship coach can help keep a grip on your own piece of mind, while maintaining a manageable level of damage control.

Live and love like it’s all that matters…

because it is.

Love is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Surely there is no greater love than to experience that sweet connection between two human beings, separated by bodies but united in a strong love-connection that transcends time and space. This love can take many forms, like friendship, familial love, appreciative/respectful love, romantic love, eternal love, love for the others and the world, etc…

Being a love-child of the sixties (this is where I place the blame, though I realize the source could have come from elsewhere) I resonated with the love vibration that permeated the time. I was not attracted to – nor did I participate in – the “free love” movement that was prevalent back in the day, rather I embraced the idea of loving one another, accepting people for who they are and allowing everyone to find their own way, loving them all along their journey.

My sincere desire to participate in management of great love is likely why I was so attracted to ministerial work early on because the religious model that I was exposed to (then, in the late seventies) seemed to promote this kind of love. My fore’ into the business of religion did not turn into a life-long occupation, yet I continued in my personal work of helping others achieve their highest and best, while continuing to seek and promote higher forms of love and respect for others.

Throughout my life I always found it interesting (not only from a purely scientific viewpoint) that – even though I believed that each human was blessed with an innate capacity for love – some people seemed to be incapable of being able to truly connect to other individuals, experience compassion, empathy, or have a love-appreciation for concepts or things, like art. To witness the most beautiful sunset, or some other scene in nature, examine the details of someone’s art, see a heart-felt musical performance, see someone struggling for survival and to not be emotionally impacted; this surprised me.

Nowadays, I can wrap my head around the concept of someone who is devoid of an ability to love (as most the rest of us would define it), as is the case for most sociopaths, psychopaths or others at various locations along the anti social personality disorder spectrum; but otherwise “normal” people?

People with the inability to be moved to tears for anything except for pain or great fear…

Of course, I was raised under the tenet of, “big boys don’t cry,” like many of us (especially those of the male persuasion) and I maintained a tearless approach to life until the fateful day in 1982, following the viewing of E.T. with my young son, Nathanial. As the credits rolled, we both sat in silence, until he broke into the tearful sentiment, “I didn’t want him to go.” I joined in, and haven’t stopped since.

And I get that in our current societal structure, love is seen as weakness. In this respect it is understandable that one might numb one’s self to the idea of opening up enough to allow a wildly painful experience. These people had the capacity to love, but have taken extensive efforts to dismantle the ability in favor of self-preservation.

To complicate the landscape even more, there’s the whole “battle of the sexes” role reversal that figures into the picture of our love metamorphosis. In the past men were dominant over women, now women are exerting their dominance in an unlimited variety of ways.

Love is a terrible thing to waste shredder sign love waste

And still there are others who have never really had the ability to love… What about those people? Are they more inclined to use and manipulate other people serving their own selfish wants, needs and desires (but not in a narcissistic way)? Do they maintain relationships that are seen as highly disposable? And how does this all impact others who are authentic, loving people?

In my work (and in my life) it is not uncommon for me to meet people whose hearts have been broken by others who never had the capacity to return love in kind. Some of them heal and look for a more authentic love, while others allow their hearts to harden vowing to never love again.

To those with hardened hearts, I beseech you, consider learning to love again; the world needs your love now, more than ever.

I believe there is a progressive wave of love that is spreading throughout this planet as part of our human evolution.

What part will you play in this loving future?

Love is all there really is

Life offers us so many distractions from all that is beautiful, all that is kind, all that is magnificent and perfect in every way.

It starts at the very earliest of ages, trying to fit all the various activities into the 24 hours we all have in a day, and it appears things just pop-up out of nowhere – just to knock you off balance – throwing your life a little off track.

There’s the rushing, here to there, in an attempt to take care of business as we pursue life in the fast lane… Or for those of us in the slow lane, we might be lying on the grass on a clear summer night, looking up at the stars, only to find that you can barely see the stars for all the stuff flying and floating around in the sky.

On the way to your destination, billboards, transit signage and a myriad of other distractions are all interrupting your thoughts in an attempt to distract, encourage you to buy or modify your thoughts.

This pace continues until later in life and to some degree until we take our last breath. In those final moments you realize that all that really mattered was how you loved.

How did you express your love to others?

When did you feel the most loved?

When my grandmother was transitioning from this life, she was in a hospital bed, unresponsive… but you could feel the love in the room. She laid there, heart beating, until after her son arrived from San Diego. After he arrived and shared his final moments with her, surrounded by her family, she quietly left the room; in love.

At the time, I was busy starting my own family and had not spent very much time with my grandmother in her final years; but I was confident that she loved me and knew that I loved her deeply, regardless of the separation. Although in that moment I decided to initiate the intention to expend more effort in communicating my love to others.

Love is the basis of all my relationships, personal and professional. And when life tries to throw me a whammy, I try to switch perspectives around until I can see it through the eyes of love (which can take some time to adjust).

Do I get surprised, distracted, upset or angry? Yes. Then I start doing the work of looking for the love.

Has the openness of love left me vulnerable? Have I been hurt? Yes and yes. Then I look for the love, the love (or lack of love) in the participants, the people (and pets) who love me and I find love’s repose.

Love is all there really is; everything else is an illusion

In my final moments, I know I will be reviewing the love in my life. I will have loved deeply which has led to some pain; the glorious massive discomfort that comes with separation from something so meaningful. Some call it a broken heart and in some moments, my heart was crushed and bleeding out, as I embraced the fullness of the loss of love or a loved one. And it was good. Good in the sense that it validated the love enormously.

Expressed love is vulnerable, sometimes it hurts and sometimes it is the sweetest feeling you can ever have.

You could build a wall around your heart – many have – in an attempt to safeguard yourself from being victimized. Or, you could love like there’s no tomorrow.