bad person | David M Masters

Here we go again, the end of yet another relationship, and things have not turned out the way you wanted. You start to question what’s wrong with you and ask, “Why do I keep attracting jerks?” or the wrong lovers?

Here’s the answer. First off, there are some things in play, that once to recognize it, will help you get a handle on what is happening. This knowledge will help you make the necessary adjustments as you entertain the idea of finding a suitable love interest.

There is a lot of talk about chemistry between two people, which is likened to a like-mindedness or sense of familiarity which makes it easy to be attracted to or fall in love with someone with whom you feel this “chemistry.” While this sounds well and good, the actual chemistry that is going on is quite contrary to what you’re thinking it is.

Chemistry is not compatibility, chemistry is the chemical reaction that’s triggered by the release of the love hormone cocktail send rushing through your brain, hijacking your mind and your body. The same thing happens when you take a hit of cocaine.

You are high (literally) and understandably not in the proper frame of mind to make rational choices. Although, things will be exciting and fun for as long as the level of this chemical reaction is sustained at a fairly high intensity.

Unfortunately, the chemistry declines and fades over time, and at some point, you start to sober up and see things more clearly. This is when you start to notice inconsistencies that you couldn’t see earlier because you were basically love-stoned out of your mind.

What triggers your love cocktail?

Many things come into play for triggering the release of your love cocktail, normally it’s a combination of your survival instinct which is attracted to physiological strength and hints of financial and social success, either in his or her present state or projected into the future. That’s on one hand.

On the other hand, you are also triggered by your past, an attraction smoothie blended of childhood trauma, focus on unresolved issues with a dysfunctional parental relationship, and the history of your life. This attraction smoothie will have you triggered by the worst possible person for you.

What?

Okay, actually this is the best person for you; not for a love-relationship, but for your personal growth. When you feel the onslaught of your overwhelming personal chemistry engaging, it’s a pretty sure sign that something unpleasant is ahead.

People come into your life for one of two reasons.

As a Lesson

You attract toxic people who are necessary for you to learn something that you wouldn’t be able to see in any other way. If you close off the idea of issues that need to be dealt with or changes you need to make, the dysfunction increases until you crack.

Running, claiming you’ve been victimized yet again, and hiding yourself away only offers a temporary pause in the process. When you are ready to re-engage in life again, here he or she comes again. Why?

You can break the cycle by looking within, asking yourself why. If you’re unable to see any changes that would be beneficial for you to make within yourself and your own life, then inviting a third-party, a coach, counselor, or clergy to help you uncover the areas in your life that could be better.

The Lesson-people are there for your highest and best, even though it feels like the opposite at the moment when you are overwhelmed with the pain of the toxicity.

As a Blessing

Other people are attracted to you to be supportive, to help you maintain a level keel throughout the crazy that life throws at you. These are your (angels) friends who will be there for a season, as they move in and out of your life, while a select few will be there for longer periods of time (sometimes a lifetime).

So, instead of your first reaction toward someone that makes you feel bad, do not focus your attention on the act, situation, or circumstance which causes you to feel angst or as though you’ve been victimized, look inside yourself.

Ask yourself, “Why?”

“What can I do to deal with the issues of my past, or changes I can make in myself to neutralize this challenge once and for all?”

The answer is the key to your liberty, breaking free from the cycle, and a better self-aware life filled with love and happiness.

The greatest love of all awaits and starts with you.

Ever wonder why someone who could be perfectly nice, even-tempered, supportive, polite and friendly can suddenly turn into a hot mess of dysfunction, discontent, hateful, or downright mean? Before you start jumping to conclusions about Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), or Bipolar Disorder, consider this person may be practicing a form of self-preservation, a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde safety net, or precautionary forcefield.

People will do the darndest things to protect themselves when they feel threatened or are triggered, and it’s nearly impossible to know what’s going on inside someone’s head. People carry with them a lifetime of experiences, some of which can be quite frightening or painful, and the human psyches will do just about anything to avoid the risk of suffering due to the reinjury of an unhealed emotional wound.

This is a very base survival instinct at work, which if viewed without judgment, would be impossible not to empathetically understand from a compassionate point of view, rather than picking up stones to hurl them, retaliate, punish, or stomp out someone who is simply trying to make it through life in the best way that they possibly can.

To you, looking at the surface condition, you might witness someone with whom you’ve had a particularly peaceful and close relationship, suddenly experience a dramatic change in character, and might become quite abrasive, mean, and/or nasty. Naturally, you recoil because you’ve been surprised by the sudden change in character, but wait, and consider what might be going on behind the scenes before you accuse or defend yourself.

We all have different skill sets and respond to threats differently based on our experience. Some people who have suffered trauma, abuse, have low self-esteem, or have not learned high performance coping skills may have fewer tools available to them to reach for when they are triggered and may act out inappropriately to isolate themselves from a perceived threat… and they may not be very nice about it. You might even think they are being rude or mean.

Some people with low self-esteem will strike out at well-intended friends, or people who are getting close to them, as a way to protect themselves from being hurt. They have a sense of safety and security in being isolated and threatened by being too close to someone, or vulnerable. For them, it is better to be safe, by pushing people away, than sorry (potentially exposing themselves to potential pain).

Others try to manufacture a safe environment around themselves wherein they can safely navigate their lives by maintaining a high degree of control. They have strict guidelines that participants in their life can safely move about within. Step outside the boundaries they have set and expect to be ejected. Depending on the skills they have accumulated at the time, your expulsion may be unglamorous and hurtful. Nonetheless, this person is doing the best they can to preserve their sanity while maneuvering his or her way through life.

Fear is the predominant motivator of these incongruent outbursts. If you are afraid of losing your life, you are likely to act in ways that are not normal for you in an effort to prolong life. The same is true for some people who are afraid to lose their reputation, love, connections, finances, sanity, safety, or security.

Such a person might strike out at you when they are feeling vulnerable or threatened by name-calling, devaluing you, raising their voice, threatening, or right-out total rejection of you. They may try to blame you for anything they might be feeling, falsely accuse you, or even use their influence to discredit or demonize you.

Such a person will feel better not having you amidst his or her presence and not feel much guilt for getting you out of their life, either momentarily, or permanently. To soothe themselves, they will often huddle people around themselves, polarizing them against you, to justify and make sense of their outburst.

Again, do not take it personally. This person is in pain, and they are doing the best they can with what they have, even if they appear to be acting out in a Mr. Hyde fit of rage. Just because they are acting mean doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

Have compassion and empathy for such a person who is trying to make it through this life carrying such heavy weight of burden from their past, anguish, and pain.

May God bless them, and hopefully, they find better ways to live a better life. If not, they are not wrong or broken for doing the best they can with what they have. They are perfect, and we love them just the way they are.