Fear of Abandonment in Love

In many relationships, fear of abandonment can find ways to thwart your attempts to find love, no matter how you try. Dealing with one who has fear of abandonment issues, whether this applies to you, or someone you’re in love with.

In most, if not all, cases, fear of abandonment can be traced back to one’s childhood. It is often linked with a mother or primary caregiver who was not there to provide the proper nurturing, caring and attentive support to the child. Regardless of the reason for the lack of nurturing, whether the primary had to work, or had personal issues or unavoidable circumstances to properly love and connect with this little baby, this young child grew up insecure.

This insecurity could express itself as either avoidance or anxiety.

Avoidance

In the person who expresses his or her fear of abandonment as avoidance, he (avoidance if far more common among men) or she will likely retreat when his or her partner is crying out for love and connection. When witnessing his or her partner expressing his or her need, the avoider will make a bee-line to a safe place.

Commonly, he or she will retreat to the office, or some other location deemed as a “safety zone,” and so it is not uncommon for avoiders to become workaholics.

As a child, the avoider found self-sufficiency and finding comfort in solitude his or her coping mechanism in dealing with a primary caregiver who did not give them the love, attention, and support they so desperately needed in those young and formative early years.

Anxiety

If the person who was raised with abandonment issues found reward from crying out or clamoring for attention, then this will likely carry over into adulthood. The anxious person carrying fear of abandonment issues will likely be stirring the pot in an attempt to get the attention they seek, even though this obviously is an ineffective method of getting them what they want.

What do they want?

In either case, whether they are operating from a place of avoidance or anxiety, both of these individuals are desperately in search of the love, safety and security they were denied at a very tender, young age.

Since we are often drawn and attracted to someone like our parents, you will have someone in your life that triggers the abandonment threshold which throws you into a state of panic or fight or flight response.

This emotional state of emergency disconnects the part of the brain which is reserved for rational thought as they follow their knee-jerk instincts which seek to protect them from further abandonment. So the avoider retreats and the anxious person who fears abandonment pitches a fit because the avoider feel safe in seclusion and the anxious person gets attention (even though it is negative) when they act up.

This reactivity does not foster a healthy environment for creating a congruent connection between two people. In fact, it does just the opposite, it keeps these two people from having a positive, loving and supportive relationship, which is just the opposite of what they so long to have. But for them, it has not become about connection, it has been reduced to its simplest form of survival, so they react and prevent connection from happening.

And there’s a good chance that you are either one of these, either suffering from avoidance or anxiety paradigms, and you are also in a relationship with one, and there’s an even greater chance that if you are in a relationship with someone also suffering from fear of abandonment, that your partnered with someone who is the other type.

In most fear of abandonment couples, one is the avoider and the other is anxious.

What can I do, if I’m in a relationship with someone who has fear of abandonment issues?

Good question. Thankfully, there is a cure for what ails the person who is dealing with fear of abandonment issues.

Avoidance

The person who is suffering from abandonment and has embraced avoidance as his or her coping mechanism wants love and connection but has no idea about how to get it. He or she retreats and expects you to leave.

The key, here, is to do exactly the opposite of what he or she expects. Don’t disconnect yourself, instead, be totally supportive, reach out and touch the heart of the avoider in such a way that he or she longed for in childhood.

That’s right. Treat him or her like a baby, hold him or her in your arms, look him or her in the eyes and say, “I am here for you. I know you feel like running away, right now, and that’s okay, but I will be right here for you. I love you. I really, really love you. I am here for you and I will never leave nor forsake you. You can depend on me.”

The results may not be immediate, but as you gain the trust of the avoider and he or she begins to realize that you are there for comfort, support, safety, security and benevolently offering your loving kindness, and he or she sees strength, consistency, and dependability in your love, he or she will open up.

This might be the first time he or she has ever felt safe.

Anxiety

The anxious person suffering from fear of abandonment needs the same thing. Needs to know he or she will not be judged or ridiculed, desires to be loved, accepted and embraced in love.

When he or she is acting out, this can look like a rant or a fit of rage, but in reality, it is only this person’s inner child crying out for love and connection.

Likewise, instead of berating or getting defensive, make eye contact in a loving and non-threatening manner, just as you would a little baby, reach out and hold him or her, let him or her know that they are loved unconditionally. And if it was something that you did to trigger this response assure him or her, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset. I’m so sorry. I never meant to do anything to hurt you. I would never intentionally do that. I am here for you. I love you. I am here for you.”

Again, if you are honest and true, your love will shine through in your actions, and this person might be able to feel safe and secure in your love.

The more secure he or she feels over time, the more infrequent the reactions will be.

And there is a third type of person who suffers from fear and abandonment. This one is the,

Trauma

Having suffered trauma as a child, this person acts out more expressively, probably jumping to conclusions and making irrational accusations, over-reacting to circumstances and scenarios that might seem mundane to anyone else.

The traumatics are often their own worst enemy driving away those whom they desperately want to be loved by.

Again, just like everyone else, they are desperately in search of love and connection.

If you are brave and steadfast enough, your love can break through the protective walls they have built around themselves.

Love can be a dirty business, but there is no greater love than being the reason that someone has sincerely felt safe, secure and loved for the very first time.

Is Lack of Love Keeping You from True Love?

Love is fading and you are feeling less and less of the little love you once felt.

It happens, and understanding what’s happening behind the scenes can help you get back on your feet and recover your lack of love and possibly end up with a greater love, maybe your best love, yet.

True love awaits you, and you can find your way to it.

The love experience from your past, particularly the less than satisfying moments of love from your past, can strip the luster from any hope of feeling that amazing kind of love you once thought was possible.

Do a little soul searching and see what negative association you may have connected to previous love experiences that didn’t turn out the way you might have liked.

Some of the sources of love drain from the could include,

Bad Kid Love

As a youngster, you may have had accumulated traumatic love wounds, like lack of love as a baby, or having no love at home growing up. How could you have any love, if you didn’t have any as a kid? It’s hard to even imagine loving yourself because you have no frame of reference.

You Feel Like Crap

Let’s face it, you aren’t feeling good about yourself, and may be entertaining the negative voices inside your head, and might find yourself suffering from lack of self-confidence and may be headed toward depression due to lack of love. You can hardly expect anyone to love you in this condition.

You’re Pissed Off

You could be holding a lot of pain and anger inside you which just drains any hop of love any more. Even if your anger is justified because you’ve been hurt or victimized, you’ve got to find a way to get around it and put all this behind you, because from this state of mind, even if someone were to offer you some genuine love, you couldn’t even see or imagine it as a possibility.

True Love Doesn’t Exist

You’ve resigned yourself to believe the idea that there is no such thing as love. If you believe that love doesn’t exist, not just for you, but anyone. You think that everyone is only faking it and going through the motions because they don’t want to be alone, or any of the other 40 ways (or more) people don’t believe in love, you will never be able to have it, because in this state of mind, love does not exist.

Don’t Need Anyone

You think you’re happier alone, as lonely and unfulfilling as it might be, you feel you’re better off in solitude. At least if you’re fiercely independent, you’re less likely to be let down, hurt, or have your heart broken.

Where Does Love Come From?

Love is the highest known human emotion. It comes from a place outside of ourselves, a higher source, call it god, energy, the universe or whatever. It’s out there and we summon it to us and channel it through our heart and let it permeate our lives.

When you’re feeling love in all its glory, you are sharing the highest state of being imaginable and in that moment, you are one with the creator and creation which is vibrating at the frequency of love.

How to Live a Life of Love

If you are game, living a life of love is as high as you can reach in this life. If you think you might like to go there, your new life of love might look something, like this:

Let Go of All Things Negative

We’re surrounded by negative things in life which abound all around us, but you have to start the only place you absolutely have control of, and that’s within you, your heart, your soul, your thoughts, and in your actions. If you want to live a life of love, you have to draw a line in the sand and not allow negativity to have anything to do with you. It’s a process but with practice you can embrace positivity and ignore and ultimately let go of negativity.

Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

How you feel about things all initiates from within yourself. You are the only thing on this planet which can make you feel anything. So, it’s up to you to take responsibility and learn to manage and control how you feel about anything. If you’re unfamiliar with the idea, it will take a minute to try and wrap your head around that one, but how you feel? It’s all on you.

Embrace Tolerance

Here’s the master level work of love. When you can get to the place where you allow other people to be who they are without taking it personally, now you’re on the right track. You don’t judge other people or insist that they think or act like you. You realize we’re all in this together and were all doing the best with what we have. You don’t need to see anyone change, you only focus on yourself and allow everyone else to find their own way, whatever that might be. Loving others, everyone else, regardless… makes for the best tasting love soup ever.

Get Used to Narcissism

I know, this one always gets a rise out of any audience. We spend so much time focusing on identifying narcissists based on all the negative attributes of narcissism, but you fail to see the positive aspects of narcissism and you best try to get a handle of these thing, if you really might like to have the best things this life has to offer. Yes, there’s a delicate balance between healthy emotional self-maintenance and unhealthy and be okay with other people trying to find and maintain this delicate balance also (which could easily be misdiagnosed as narcissism at any particular point in time, depending on circumstance and your place in time and space.

Focus on the Love and Maintain the Vibration

Living a life of love has a particular feel, it is the energetic vibration or frequency of love. We all have different things that take us there, identify yours. Find the things that take you to this state, find ways to put yourself in this vibration and keep yourself there as often as possible. After a while love will be your base vibration. It doesn’t get any better than that.

This is the nature of true love. If you want true love, it starts with you. It’s been there, waiting for you to find it, embrace it and unleash it on the world and those you love.

True love is calling you.

Will you answer its call?

The Top 40 Reasons Love Does Not Exist

Many people don’t believe in love and believe that love doesn’t exist.

Prior to attending our Awakening to True Love Workshop, here are the top 40 reasons love does not exist:

1. If you fall in love with someone it is only based on your perception of that person at the time. It is unrealistic to think they could be like that in real life. When you find out, the love you had fades away.

2. Love is lust’s wanting to own and control someone else for regular source of sex supply.

3. Being in love is the same chemical reaction in humans as eating a volume of chocolate.

4. Love is a repackaging of a system that justifies manipulation and control to get what you want from someone else.

5. Love victimizes the person in a relationship that is weaker.

6. Love is an excuse used to encourage someone to play the martyr in the name of love.

7. People are selfish, so they use love to get what they need.

8. People who are in long-term relationships only survive because one of them gives up and gives in to make it last.

9. Love brings nothing but pain and disappointment.

10. Love can bring happiness but only for a while, then it fades and disappears altogether.

11. If you deeply love someone else, they will disrespect you and always be looking for someone else to make them feel good, no matter how hard you try.

12. If people could commit and keep their word, love could be possible, because they cannot, it is not.

13. My parents said they loved each other, got married, had us, were never happy and are divorced. There is no such thing as love.

14. Scientists have proven there is no such thing as love. It is a chemical reaction in the brain associated with the hormone called Oxytocin.

15. Since there is no concrete definition of love, what it is, what it means, two different people could not plausibly share the so called, “love.”

16. The feeling of love may last for a moment, but not for long, then it’s time to move on to the next one.

17. Long-lasting love isn’t anything more than a fairy tale told by fantasizing mothers to their daughters.

18. One’s ability to love changes with their moods, so there is no such thing as true love. You love when you feel good, not so much when you’re not feeling good.

19. Love requires trust. Since you cannot ever really trust anyone else, you can’t have love.

20. Look at the rate of divorce, it tells you love is not real.

21. People who are married for a long time fake it to make it.

22. I won’t ever love somebody, because I am honest. No one can love an honest person. If you want love, you must be a liar.

23. Back in the day they came up with the idea of love an marriage as a way to survive on the farm. Now, we know better.

24. If anyone could have loved me, I would believe. Since no one could do it, I don’t believe in it.

25. I believe I can love someone but cannot believe anyone can love me, like I can love them, so there is no love it if it is one-sided.

26. If you fall in love with someone, get ready to have your heart broken, lose everything and never believe in love again.

27. Being in love with someone is foolish and dangerous. Only an idiot would fall in love, and I’ve been an idiot more than once. Not doing it again.

28. Love is an outdated dream, that cannot be realized in modern times.

29. Men do not have a capacity or capability to love, so cross-sexual love is not possible.

30. The idea of love is inside your head and cannot be realized in real life. Love is an illusion.

31. You can love everyone, or no one, but you will never find “the one” you can love forever. That is ridiculous.

32. Love is not love, it is an addiction. You can’t help looking for love because you’re addicted to it, and you will never find enough of it to satisfy once an for all.

33. People fall in love with things that fade with the time and end up being in love with what doesn’t exist (or may have existed earlier).

34. If you’re saving your love for the perfect person, forget it no one is perfect.

35. Why does everyone even talk about love? It’s just a word you say, when you want to get laid.

36. Love implies commitment. No one can commit to anything in our disposable society today.

37. In humans, love is polyamorous. To expect monogamy from a species designed to enjoy multiple partners is just wrong.

38. True love is really only lust that morphs into friendship and may be survivable in the long run, if you’re willing to lower your expectations.

39. Love is a government imposed scam to create more taxpayers and consumers.

40. There is no such thing as love. If true love were possible, you wouldn’t be asking me that question, would you?

Why do you think love doesn’t exist?