Love Talk

When you’re contemplating getting into a romantic relationship, you might consider having the Love Talk with your prospective mate, and if you’re already in a relationship and you haven’t had the Love Talk, yet, do it tonight.

Tonight is the perfect night to go out to dinner and have the Love Talk.

What should you include in the Love Talk?

Here are some ideas to include in your Love Talk tonight:

Where are we going?

Ask your prospective partner what he or she thinks this relationship is leading to? It may be awkward, but you should get your expectations about this relationship out on the table, and you want to know what your partner’s intentions are. If you can the two of you are going to be together, ask your partner, “Where do you see us in five years?” Then ask yourself as well.

What about the Benjamins?

Money is the number one reason relationships break down and fall apart. Talking about money issues at the outset of a relationship can help to avoid the pitfalls and incongruency about finances in the future. Know which money type you are and get to know about your partner’s relationships with the greenbacks. Don’t be shy about asking about bankruptcy, outstanding student loans, and other financial obligations.

Want to have sex?

You want to establish the parameters of your sexual relationship as soon as possible. If you are intending to be in a monogamous relationship you need to be open about this with your partner, and you both need to agree that your relationship is exclusive and includes monogamy. Otherwise, if no clear definition is agreed to, there is no injustice of infidelity if one of you engages in the sex act with someone else. Also talk about other things regarding sex, including expected frequency and fantasies (you don’t want to be surprised when your partner brings someone over to have a threesome). You want to be a match in the bedroom.

How are we going to communicate?

Communication, or the lack of it, is another leading cause of the deterioration of an otherwise healthy romantic relationship. Talking about how you might handle challenging or difficult conversations in the future can put you miles ahead of others who struggle to talk about things when the going gets rough. Create a safe process in advance. Make a plan that you can refer to in the event (when) the need arises to have an important but uncomfortable conversation.

What was life like growing up?

Talk about it now with your partner over dinner, or later in the therapist’s office at a high hourly cost, and possibly at the cost of your relationship, as the way we were brought up, our experiences with friends, relatives, and previous lovers, all have an impact on how we love someone else in our closest of relationships. Be open, compassionate, non-judgmental, and aware. This information can be invaluable in helping this relationship move forward in a positive energetic flow, or give you clues to seeing trouble ahead so that you can be prepared to handle things better if, and when, they come up.

Do you want to get married?

Knowing whether either one or both of you have a desire to marry someday can be important information to have early on in any relationship. Any way the balancing act goes, whether one does, and one doesn’t, both of you don’t want to marry, or both of you want to marry, just the establishment and knowingness of how it is can be extremely helpful. Even if it’s too early to know if you or your current partner are the participants in any given scenario, whether it includes matrimony or not.

Successful Love Relationship

While there is a high degree of focus on chemistry and compatibility in relationships these days, the work I do with couples seems to support the idea that the most unlikely matched couples can count their relationships among the most successful and long-standing, deepest loves by integrating basic characteristics into the existing relationship. This hugely supports the Love is a Choice concept.

First of all, if you’re going to have a successful relationship, you must be willing to set aside your “what’s in it for me” mentality. Your relationship needs to be based on mutual respect, support, compassion, and a sincere desire to grow and evolve yourself as you love your partner and augment your partner’s work to achieve his or her highest and best. If this level of love and support is reciprocal, your love will grow immensely in concert with one another, and you both will be able to share the best things this life has to offer together.

Your relationship moves from a me-based to a we-based foundation.

In a we-based relationship, you give more of what you desire to get what you want. It’s more about the giving, and the receiving is a natural result of your selfless benevolence and generosity.

When you first notice incongruency in your relationship, recognizing that something is making you feel bad about your partner, first look within yourself. Ask yourself, “What could this have to do with me?” If you can think objectively, searching deep within, you may discover what you are feeling is in reaction to something unresolved within you, or alternatively, you are more the source of your discontent than your partner by trying to impose unnecessary judgment of restrictions based on life experiences from your past.

In this respect, in a real relationship, your partner is a mirror, reflecting yourself back to you, enabling you to see glimpses of the deep work that might be part of your personal growth and evolution waiting to be unveiled and dealt with. This should be your first thought when sensing discord because, in an enlightened relationship, your partner would never seek to make you feel bad. His or her desire is only to completely love and support you.

Growth necessitates change, so don’t be surprised when you look back at the beginnings of your relationship and think about how your partner is not the same person you started this journey with. One would hope not. The changes brought about by your continued growth and change within the relationship should be cause for celebration, with the hope or expectation that tomorrow and the days and years that follow will lead to even more growth and change increasing life energy and mutual expansion.

Without growth and change, a relationship goes stagnant and is unsustainable.

Living in the now is an important key component in the most successful relationships. As in all areas of life, there will be ups and downs, mistakes will be made, challenges will arise, and unexpected circumstances will visit the relationship. As quickly as possible, retaining the wisdom from the experience, abandoning the past, and living in the present moment, is a huge factor in the most successful relationships. And for God’s sake, do not hold a grudge against your partner. Repressed dissention and/or guilt will drain the energy from your love. Left to spread, like a cancer, will lead to love’s death.

Like love, happiness is also a choice. Make opportunities to include joyous time that you spend together as a couple. Don’t resign yourself to being so serious that you do not allow time for fun. Find ways to incorporate laughter and joy into your relationship to help raise your love vibration.

When facing opposition, remember there is no right or wrong, as, in all things in life, there is balance. Your partner is entitled to his or her opinion, and remember that nothing in this relationship is written in stone. Something that is said, felt, or believed today is always subject to new information, seeing something from a different perspective, and/or personal growth. So, let it be and agree to disagree for the moment. Don’t let the differences come between you, rather celebrate your differences in the now, and wait to see what is birthed from the process.

If whatever you focus your attention on grows (and it does) then look for the good things in your relationship and focus your attention on these things. How can you celebrate all your partner brings to the relationship? Look for opportunities to express your affection, appreciation, and gratitude to your partner and remember to make time to communicate these things intimately to your partner one-on-one.

Be open and honest with your partner and be courageous enough to express your needs and concerns along the way in a safe and sane way, while allowing your partner the same sacred space for healthy communication along the way. Every couple will encounter rough spots, and when you do, do not let them come between you. Use them for constructive, creative forms of expression, and don’t take it personally if your partner needs to blow off some steam. Be prepared for it, allow it to happen, then after things calm down, revisit it and see if together you both can make some sense of it.

Love represents the most powerful energy in the universe. It is always there, waiting for you to access it and apply it, first to yourself, your relationships, then the world.

You have a very exciting love-filled joyous life ahead.

Love Lies Why Lovers Lie

Why Do Lovers Lie?

When you enter into a committed relationship, an evolution takes place. As time goes on couples experience a metamorphosis as each of the participants grows and changes interdependently. Though they may be “one flesh” in the utmost romantic sense, they are still separate individuals both trying to do the best they can with what they have.

The only thing that truly bonds a couple together is the level of integrity and trust they have one for the other. If we can trust impeccably, be open and honest, we have the main ingredients of a highly successful and long lasting love life together. For if we do not have trust, what do we have?

As each lover evolves, there may be moments in time when they may be out of sync with their counterpart. What then?

Do you say, “This isn’t working for me; see ya,” as you depart with little concern for the former mate left behind?

Or do you lie and say, “I love you. Everything’s okay. You mean the world to me, nothing could come between us.”

Relationships are hard and no matter how we try to establish hard and fast rules for relationships, it is nearly impossible to have textbook answers for every conceivable scenario. We, as human beings, are far too complex for that.

While there are liars who selfishly lie to the extreme (we call them pathological liars) without regard to others (even if it appears to not be necessary to lie at all), alternatively we are talking about compassionate liars cohabitating in the space somewhere within the bounds of love.

While being totally open and honest are vastly important in relationships, being too open and honest can easily render a relationship null and void. Sometimes in a long term romance, the ability to lie is not only warranted, but may be a necessary component of romantic survivability.

Indeed, a long-term successful and loving relationship between two people consists or a delicate balance between truthfulness and deceit. Just ask any individual alone and off-camera who is part of a successful couple that has enjoyed a state of relationship bliss for many years what is the secret to their long-standing love affair? The answer (if conveyed honestly) will reference the delicate balance between truth and lies.

Why lie in a loving relationship?

For the sake of the big picture, in a selfless effort to preserve all that is sacred in a relationship, the occasion may (and often will) arise when the importance and reverence for the relationship exceeds the need to assert an opinion, fact or truth which might cause harm to the sacredness of the couple’s bond. Thereby justifying a bit of tale-telling to ease past what might have been a difficult situation that may have compromised the relationship or led to its dissolution altogether.

Let’s assume for a moment that the emotional spectrum of a relationship spans from love and acceptance on one end and anger and judgment on the other. Lovers often balance delicate of critical issues by where the consequence will end up on this spectrum. The unbridled truth may end up putting the relationship at risk by hurling it all the way into anger and judgment, while a love lie might not put the relationship at risk at all.

We learned this method of mitigating emotional-charged relationships in our youth. Where the truth may have sent our parents into a fury-filled emotional outburst with negative results, a little lie would sidestep the darkness and pain of disappointment and or impending punishment, and all was well.

I’m not saying it’s wrong or right. No two relationships can possibly be compared and everyone needs to find their own way. These types of “love lies” for the most part will go by completely unnoticed, except in the instances where the deception is interrupted by the otherwise naïve other lover. If we are honest, we would all admit that we do this to some degree without intent of malice.

In fact, we may tell a love lie because we love, honor and respect our mate so much, that we might do or say anything in support of the other and increase our love one for the other, even though our heart may not be totally vested at that particular moment in time. In most cases the love lie goes unnoticed and a greater love prevails.

When the one of the lovers discovers a love lie unawares, the couple needs to address the issue of the existence of this kind of deceit within the relationship. Each couple will have their own unique strategy for dealing with these types of inconsistencies.

The hardest road of all for a couple to attempt to maintain is that of complete and utter honesty regardless of the feelings of the other lover. In some cases this can work, but it takes a unique chemistry between two individuals who can manage such a relationship for long.

This is the emotional high road that if navigated correctly, with love and tolerance, without anger or judgment , we simply accept things as they are and allow each other to be without taking the unbridled truth personally or as an assault to be defended against.

For the rest of us, we try to set and manage boundaries for truth and honesty and believe that our love will survive the test of time, if we truly honor and value each other and the relationship as a whole.

What a Man Wants

What a man wants in a woman

If you peruse the latest editions of the contemporary magazines, you will likely discover that the publishers pretty much agree on what it is that men seek in a woman to have a long-term relationship including the possibility of marriage and building a life together.

The general consensus is that men are looking for an optimistic woman who is not over confident or suspicious and a good homemaker.

Armed with that information, women in search of a long-term relationship, willing to exchange wedding vows, will try to key in on these characteristics with the hope of attracting their respective Prince Charming.

While well-intended magazines and tabloids try to help women get the men and relationships they are looking for, they are disappointed when the man bids her adieu, protesting “But I was everything he could possibly want. Why would he leave?”

It could be the things you were told (even if you were to ask the men directly) what a man wants, are not as accurate in real life romance.

What does a man really want in a woman?

What a man really wants is an attractive, independent woman without drama, who he can enjoy life with.

Attractive

There needs to be an initial attraction. While much attention is focused on physical attraction, there is much more to attraction than simply one’s physical appearance. Men find women who know how to dress up for a formal event as well as dress down for a casual play date at the park, or a hike in the woods.

A man likes a woman’s natural beauty, as well as their adeptness at applying makeup. Too much of one or the other may cause him to seek which one that is lacking elsewhere.

Avoiding routine and suggesting a bit of spontaneity is also seen as an attractive trait in a woman.

Independent

Forget trying to be a helpless weakling if you’re looking for a solid long-term relationship today, and forget taking dating advice from your mother or grandmother. Times have changed and so have the men. They don’t need someone to make them feel good about themselves (which was valid through the fifties and early sixties).

A man wants a woman who is more his equal, someone he can share all the elements of his life with. So, if you want a man who has a sense of purpose, is confident and secure in himself then you need to bring the qualities you seek to the table also.

The day of the subservient housewife is diminishing as men are more attracted to a partner in life, a confident woman who has her own sense of purpose, has the necessary space in her life to support and encourage him to embrace his own goals and ideals.

Work together when appropriate or feasible, but carve out plenty of together time also, when aspirations are set aside for focusing on each other in tandem.

No Drama

How do you deal when your relationship is visited by Miss Interpretation?

It’s easy for men and women to have misunderstandings when seeing things from individual perspectives. How you deal with these items when they appear will determine how interested a man will be in committing to a long-term relationship.

A wise woman will state her perception/interpretation while delineating her feelings and not accusing or threatening the man when facing a potential misunderstanding. This also sets the pace for the man as he is more likely to explain his point of view without feeling threatened which could escalate the issue at hand.

We are all entitled to our feelings and communication is encouraged without having to project one’s feelings on your partner. An emotionally sound woman will embrace a clear communication style without unnecessary drama.

Enjoy Life

Everyone has to find their own joy. Try to match yourself with someone who enjoys the same things in life that you do. When you can have playful fun with activities representing common interests, this helps strengthen the attachment bond between two people.

Expressing yourself, your wishes and dreams with a man is a intellectual approach to relationship building but most men are more kinesthetic. That is to say men are more likely to develop a deep sense of attachment by doing things together, rather than talking about them.

Find meaningful and enjoyable things to do together and lay a firm foundation for a long-lasting relationship that can stand the test of time.

Digital Relationship Questions

In this day and age, getting into a romantic relationship with someone has a whole new set of quandaries thanks to our affair with the digital age. In some ways our relationship with digital media supersedes our relationship with other human beings.

Let’s face it, especially if we’re dating, there is an ebb and flow, leading to more on than off or off altogether. While your perspective mate may have left… your digital device and social media will remain.

digital romance social media and relationships romantic relationship technology boundaries

 

So, it’s prudent to consider how your digital relationship will interface with your other human relationships, and it may be important to know what your digital boundaries are prior to engaging in a relationship with someone else and clearly communicating them early on.

Digital Boundaries in Relationships

To establish your digital boundaries, you need to find out where you are when it comes to where you feel comfortable – or uncomfortable – with what you share digitally.

Questions regarding your digital romance to consider in respect to your current romantic interest might be

Social Media

Do I want him to monitor my social media?
Am I okay with him posting on my wall?
How do I feel about him tagging me?
Is it okay for him to befriend my social media friends?
Should we post details about our relationship online?
Am I ready to change my relationship status?

Cell Phone

What is appropriate text frequency?
How soon do I expect a response when I text?
Is it appropriate to send (or expect) risqué photos of each other (sexting)?
What are the appropriate times for talking or facing via cell phone?
And what is a comfortable length of time for digital communication?

Generally

Do we share each other’s cell phones, computers or other digital devices?
Do we exchange passwords to personal devices, email, social media, etc…?

Knowing the answers to these and other questions is the starting point for you setting your digital relationship boundaries.

Discuss and Come to an Agreement

As you establish your relationship (or as soon as possible, if your relationship is already progressing) have a conversation about your digital expectations in your relationship to establish healthy boundaries. Make certain that each of you understand each other’s expectations and agree to honor them before going forward.

Defend Your Boundaries

Just like any other social boundaries, they are your personal space and you must insist on having your space (even if it’s virtual) respected. Your digital space may be more important than your physical space, for if you were victim to physical abuse the bruises wounds and scars would heal over time, while what happens in cyberspace stays in cyberspace. That is to say – even the best efforts to erase something online are often fruitless, as – nearly anything that has found its way online may be retrieved.

Allow Change

The way that you feel about your partner’s digital interface can change over time. Nothing is set in stone, here. Stay open and honest about how you’re feeling and be open about how you feel about your digital concerns. Revisit your digital agreement and modify it as necessary at any time.