couples in crisis | David M Masters

Reconsider Before Hiring a Relationship Private Investigator

The idea of hiring a private investigator to uncover your partner’s potential infidelities can be tempting, especially when suspicion and fear start to cloud your relationship. We’ve all seen shows like Cheaters that sensationalize detective work, offering dramatic confrontations and tearful confessions. However, these TV episodes are highly fictionalized, and in reality, the outcome is rarely as enthusiastically life-changing or impressive as you might hope.

When it comes to real-world relationship investigations, the partner seeking answers must be prepared to take full responsibility for whatever follows. In my experience working with couples, the partner desperate to rebuild a troubled relationship often believes that once they have the cold, hard truth, they can initiate some form of intervention. The hope is that by confronting the partner with evidence, the accused will break down, confess their wrongdoings, beg for forgiveness, and work to rebuild what’s been damaged.

Does this happen?

Yes, but it’s rare. In fact, it happens in maybe one out of fifty cases. More often than not, the mere fact that you’ve hired an investigator is enough to push the accused partner to pack their bags and leave, feeling betrayed and violated. This outcome is usually far from what the suspicious partner hoped for, but unfortunately, it’s the most common result.

The Harsh Reality of Hiring an Investigator

When the dust settles, you’re left with the heartache of a relationship that’s fallen apart and a pile of damaging evidence. What’s even more disheartening is the realization that the information uncovered by the investigator is likely only a fraction of the deceit or wrongdoing throughout the relationship. Investigations are never complete, and much of the betrayal that happened before or outside the scope of the investigation will remain unknown. You’re left holding a metaphorical bag of painful evidence without closure or resolution.

In the rare cases where a partner does admit to their misdeeds and offer reparations, the road to recovery is still treacherous. About half of those relationships ultimately fail anyway, leaving the once-hopeful partner in even more pain after prolonging the inevitable.

A More Effective Approach

If you decide to hire an investigator, there may be a more strategic approach to handling the information. Rather than immediately confronting your partner, consider keeping the evidence to yourself for a while. Use this time to evaluate the relationship without tipping your hand. By observing your partner’s behavior and your own feelings, you can better assess whether there’s any real hope of salvaging the relationship.

If you eventually conclude that reconciliation is impossible, you can choose to end the relationship on your own terms. You may or may not decide to share the evidence as part of your closure, but be prepared for the possibility that your partner will turn the tables and accuse you of being obsessive, paranoid, or even mentally unstable for having gone to such lengths. It takes tremendous courage and emotional strength to navigate this situation, and you’ll need to be ready to face not only the fallout from your partner but also the internal struggle of living with the truths you’ve uncovered.

Things to Consider Before Hiring an Investigator

Before deciding to enlist a private investigator, here are some tips to consider:

1. Ask Yourself Why You’re Doing This: Are you seeking closure or proof for a legal reason, or are you hoping the evidence will give you leverage to change your partner’s behavior? Be clear about your motivations because the results may not bring the resolution you’re hoping for.
2. Prepare for Emotional Fallout: No matter the outcome, the information you uncover will change your relationship forever. Be prepared to deal with intense emotions like anger, hurt, and betrayal.
3. Know the Consequences: Once you hire an investigator, there’s no going back. Even if your suspicions are proven correct, the discovery process may irreparably damage any trust left in the relationship.
4. Evaluate Your Support System: Before embarking on this path, ensure you have a solid support system in place. Friends, family, or a therapist can help you cope with the emotional toll of what you uncover.
5. Understand the Legal Implications: Depending on your location, the evidence gathered by a private investigator may or may not be admissible in court. If you’re considering divorce or a legal separation, consult a lawyer to understand the potential ramifications.
6. Consider Alternative Solutions: If your relationship is in trouble, consider couples therapy or open communication before jumping to surveillance. Sometimes, confronting your concerns can reveal truths without needing an investigator.
7. Be Ready for Unanswered Questions: An investigation can only provide a small glimpse into your partner’s behavior. Accept that some things may never come to light, and consider whether you can live with that uncertainty.
8. Recognize the Possibility of No Misdeeds: There’s always a chance that your partner is innocent, and the investigation will reveal no wrongdoing. In such cases, how will you rebuild trust after you’ve essentially accused them of betrayal?

Take the time to stop and think about how you would feel if you suddenly had proof of your suspicions, and you may find out that the truth is far more disastrous than you could have ever imagined.

Top 40 Relationship PI Disclosures

Here’s a short list of “What if” scenario examples exploring emotional responses and implications in no particular order:

Investigative Disclosure	What if you…
1. Secret Financial Affairs	discovered your partner had opened credit cards in your name, running up significant debt? How would you feel about the betrayal of trust and financial security?
2. Dual Life	found out your spouse had a second family in another city? Imagine the shock and heartbreak of realizing you weren’t their only commitment.
3. Infidelity with Close Friends	were presented with evidence that your partner was having an affair with your best friend? Consider the feelings of betrayal and the impact on your social circle.
4. Hidden Substance Abuse	learned your spouse was secretly abusing substances while taking care of your children? The fear and anger over their irresponsibility and potential harm to your family would be overwhelming.
5. Financial Betrayal	discovered your partner was diverting funds meant for joint expenses into secret accounts? You might feel a mix of anger, confusion, and distrust, questioning the foundation of your partnership.
6. Online Deception	found out your spouse had multiple online dating profiles? The feeling of being replaced or devalued could be incredibly painful.
7. Clandestine Meetings	learned your partner was meeting someone from their past under the guise of work? Imagine the heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy when confronted with their hidden emotional connection.
8. Using Shared Assets for Affairs	discovered your partner had used your vacation home to host romantic getaways with someone else? You might feel betrayed not only by the affair but also by the violation of a shared space that held memories.
9. Inappropriate Workplace Relationships	found evidence of your spouse engaging in inappropriate relationships at work? The betrayal could lead to deep insecurities about your partner’s commitment and professional integrity.
10. Surveillance Footage of Deception	saw footage of your partner meeting multiple people in secretive circumstances? The visual evidence could create intense feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.
11. Undisclosed Health Risks	discovered your partner had been engaging in risky sexual behavior without informing you of potential health issues? You’d likely feel a mix of betrayal, anger, and fear for your own well-being.
12. Manipulating Family Dynamics	learned that your partner was manipulating family members to turn them against you? The feelings of isolation and betrayal could be devastating.
13. Excessive Monitoring of Partner’s Activities	found out your partner was secretly tracking your whereabouts? You would likely feel violated and mistrusted, questioning the foundation of your relationship.
14. Falsifying Travel Plans	discovered your spouse was lying about business trips to cover up secret meetings? The realization of such deception could lead to feelings of anger and heartbreak.
15. Involvement in Ponzi Schemes	found out your partner was involved in a fraudulent financial scheme? You might feel a mix of shock and fear about the legal implications and financial instability it could cause.
16. Fake Social Media Presence	discovered your partner had a fake social media account to engage with others romantically? The betrayal could create feelings of worthlessness and distrust.
17. Hidden Medical Issues	learned your partner was concealing significant health issues? You’d likely feel anger and betrayal, wishing they had been open with you for the sake of your relationship.
18. Gaslighting Tactics	discovered that your partner had been manipulating your perception of reality? The feelings of confusion and isolation could be profound, leading to a crisis of self-worth.
19. Child Endangerment	found out your partner was endangering your children through reckless behavior? The mix of anger and fear for your children’s safety would be overwhelming.
20. Extravagant Secret Purchases	discovered your spouse had been making extravagant purchases without telling you? Feelings of betrayal and concern about financial stability could arise.
21. Secretive Charitable Donations	learned your partner was donating significant amounts to questionable charities? You might feel confused and suspicious about their motivations.
22. Fake Illness for Sympathy	found out your spouse was faking illness for sympathy? The betrayal could lead to feelings of anger and disillusionment in your relationship.
23. Excessive Flirting in Public	saw your partner engaging in flirtatious behavior in public? You might feel embarrassed and humiliated, questioning their commitment.
24. Undercover Meetings with Exes	discovered your partner was meeting with an ex under the guise of “closure”? The emotional pain of that betrayal could be deep and lasting.
25. Diverting Funds for Personal Pleasures	found evidence that your partner was using shared funds for personal hobbies without telling you? Feelings of resentment and betrayal could surface.
26. Manipulating Work Relationships	learned your partner was engaging in inappropriate relationships with colleagues? The impact on your trust and their professional reputation could be significant.
27. Use of Intimate Videos Against Partner	discovered your partner recorded private moments without your consent? Feelings of violation and anger would likely overwhelm you.
28. Engaging in Dangerous Activities	found evidence that your spouse was involved in dangerous activities? The fear for their safety and your family’s stability could lead to intense worry.
29. Secret Gambling Addiction	learned your partner had a gambling addiction, risking your financial security? You would likely feel betrayed and anxious about your future together.
30. Clandestine Illegal Activities	discovered your spouse was involved in illegal activities, such as trafficking or distribution of controlled substances? The shame and fear of legal repercussions could weigh heavily on your relationship.
31. Sharing Private Information	found out your partner had been disclosing private details about your relationship to others? Feelings of betrayal and violation of trust would be acute.
32. Concealing Serious Past Trauma	learned that your partner had hidden significant past trauma affecting your relationship? The realization might lead to feelings of frustration and concern for their well-being.
33. Creating Fake Alibis	discovered your partner had been fabricating alibis? The betrayal could lead to a breakdown of trust and connection.
34. Manipulative Parenting Tactics	found evidence that your spouse was using your children to manipulate you? Feelings of anger and helplessness could arise.
35. Secretive Online Shopping	discovered your partner was hiding excessive online purchases? The breach of trust could lead to anger and anxiety about financial stability.
36. Plotting Your Demise	found yourself in possession of an audio recording of your spouse conspiring with your stepson to murder you? How would you feel about finding out? What would you do?
37. Jealous Obsessive	discovered that your partner had an obsessive, jealous side, and you found out that your car, drawers, and personal belongings were being rifled through in search of clues that you might be having an affair?
38. Clandestine Travel Plans	found out your spouse, who has been planning trips under false pretenses, using work or other excuses to hide potential affairs? Having this information is a heavy burden on the bearer of said details.
39. Sexting and Virtual Sex	received recordings of your partner engaging in explicit conversations and virtual sex acts with strangers online? Your partner sees no harm in this, as it is not “physical” sex, only an affair of imagination.
40. Hidden Assets and Properties	your partner is discovered to own properties or assets not disclosed to the other, indicating potential financial deception?

That is just a small sample of some of the scenarios that some have encountered as the result of hiring a private investigator specializing in relationships. How do you feel about doing so now?

Also, note that hiring such an investigator can be pretty expensive.

Final Thoughts

Hiring a private investigator to monitor your partner is not a decision to be taken lightly. It’s a path that often leads to more pain, less resolution, and, in many cases, the end of the relationship. If you’re considering this route, make sure you fully understand the emotional and practical consequences. Sometimes, the best approach is not to gather evidence but to face the situation head-on, with open communication and a willingness to confront difficult truths without the need for surveillance.

Ultimately, what you uncover may be a small part of a much larger story that you may never know in full. Be prepared for the weight of that truth and the strength it will take to move forward, whatever the outcome.

Shocked By Your Partner

What do you do when someone you entrusted your heart with turns out to be a different person than he or she represented himself or herself as when you trusted him or her with your heart?

This is a tender and sometimes shocking moment of truth, when you realize that your partner is not the person you thought he or she was.

First of all, do not discount your feelings. You feel the way you’re feeling about this realization, and you, or anyone else, has no right to disrespect what you are feeling. Even when you’re processing ill feelings about this current stage of your life, try to keep your wits about you.

Try to avoid striking out at your partner with an emotional outburst. If you can’t help it, no one would blame you. Resist the urge to blow up in rage, and hurling negative projections, which you may feel obligated to apologize for later, and begin your review process, as soon as you are able to find the space to think as possible.

Remember, this is someone you love. Unless you’re dealing with a psychopath, this person with whom you have trusted your heart, would not do anything to hurt you, because he or she does love you. It’s just that in this moment, his or her love for you looks differently than what you expected.

You build a vast array of expectations which represent what you expect your lover’s love for you to look like. When you see expressions of love which are contrary to what you expected to see, you feel like you’ve been assaulted, and the emotional impact is tragic.

Nothing wrong with having expectations and being deeply attached to them, this is completely normal and natural, but realize,

Your partner wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.

Up to now, your life has been full of experiences which have culminated in the person that you are in this moment. You’ve faced certain situations and circumstances throughout your journey and you’ve dealt with them in the best way that you could have in the moment.

Every one of those experience has left a residual energy inside of you, whether the experience resolved graciously or tragically. No matter how you’ve managed your life in the past, the truth is, you did the best you could have in that moment, with what you had to work with at the time.

This is your journey.

Just as you are on a journey, so your partner is on his or her own journey, and is a collection of his or her experiences up to this moment in time.

When your partner surprises you with his or her doing the best he or she can with what he or she has, it can sometimes be disturbing and shocking. No one would blame you for being taken aback by this unexpected reveal.

In your attempt to rationalize and figure out why he or she would have done this thing which has captured your attention, consider that while your partner loves you deeply, he or she is just doing the best that he or she can with what he or she has moment to moment.

Sometimes, a person does something that has nothing to do with you, but it feels as though it is a personal affront, or outright attack, focused at you. Even though, in real life, any thought of you was not present when this event happened.

You’re upset because you feel like every moment of your partner’s life should be viewed through your consciousness. You think this is a fair expectation because it feels like everything that you think, say, or do, is run through your partner’s consciousness, even though you know that to do so would be impossible.

Sometimes you will react to life circumstance and in the moment of impact you respond intuitively or instinctively without first considering how your reaction will affect your partner.

If you’ve reacted to something life has presented you with, and your action or reaction triggered your partner or caused him or her to be shocked by your response, how would you like him or her to respond?

You would feel bad for hurting your partner’s feelings and you would be apologetic because you wouldn’t have done anything intentionally to cause your partner pain. You were only doing the best you could do with what you had in the moment.

Consider why your partner might have felt like he or she had to respond in the manner which has surprised you and captured your attention. After all, he or she has lived a whole life which has led him or her to this moment.

Try to imagine what it might be like to be your partner, living his or her life up to this point, and ask yourself what he or she may have experienced in the past which has cause him or her to have such a reaction today?

Often when these situations and circumstances who up in life, it is grounded in a hidden set of programming which has built up from the past. Sometime very early in life, early childhood, and in many cases, the person who is reacting has no idea the reaction is energy recoiling off a childhood memory.

Find a place of compassion and empathy for your partner when you are surprised or shocked, even if you’re the victim of his or her abuse. But if you’ve been abused, take action to stop the abuse, because you never have to submit to being abused by anyone.

Love your partner but look after yourself.

After all, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

My Partner and I are Growing Apart

What happens when one of my clients is growing and changing, taking on a new perspective and the world by storm, and his or her partner is not? It’s not uncommon for the one who is doing all the changing to feel as though he or she and his significant other are growing apart, starting to predict the end of the relationship.

First of all, you need to determine if you and your partner are growing apart, or one is growing and the other is not so much. If you are growing and changing in one direction and your partner is growing and changing in another direction, yes, it would appear that you are growing apart. If this is the case, it might still be workable, because you can move in a similar direction in different ways, which can create opportunities for exponential growth down the line, if you can play off or and encourage each other.

On the other hand, the truth of what I see predominantly is couples that have one partner growing and changing, making giant leaps and bounds, and when he or she looks to his or her partner for support or encouragement, all that comes back is the classic eye-roll, or passive (if not sarcastic), “Oh, that’s just great.”

That’s when you feel like, “This is not working.” Asserting, “My partner doesn’t care about my growth,” (personal, spiritually, or both) feeling as though you are growing apart and your partner could care less about joining you on the journey you’ve chosen for yourself. So, your initial thought is that you’re not being supported, or you’ve been rejected, and feel as though, “I can’t live like that.”

“My partner and I are growing apart.”

If you’re feeling unsupported or rejected by your significant other, be aware that this has nothing to do with your partner at all; it’s all you. Even with all your growth up to this point, you are still harboring the fear of being unsupported and fear of rejection. These fears are coming up as an indication in your life that these fears must be dealt with if you are to move to the next level.

Sure, you can circumvent these fears altogether and end the relationship, abandoning your partner, and continuing your growth solo, or you can choose to take this opportunity to face your fears, promoting your growth even more.

Maybe it’s time to step back and take a look at what is happening from a perspective outside of yourself, possibly reframing the scenario, altering the details enough to keep your feelings disengaged so you can be more objective. Something like,

Imagine a couple has come to you for advice and they’ve told you that they love each other but one of them has gotten a promotion and in order to continue his or her growth with the company, he or she must work from an office 300 miles away from home. Chances are, you are not going to advise that he or she takes the promotion, move away, and end the relationship. Why?

I think, if you could be objective about it, you would suggest a way to renegotiate the promotion, or find a way to compromise or further encourage the growth of the couple through this exercise to find a win-win solution which will enhance the relationship, having moved through this process and conquering this challenge together.

Following this process, you might consider applying this advice to your own relationship. Though I would also challenge you to consider that you’ve also just made a huge mistake which is common for everyone who is on a path of discovery, who has discovered or experienced something that is not fully embraced by your social circle (especially those people closest to you), you have become a self-righteous hypocrite.

Sounds bad, but you have just joined the ranks of all the ego-centric narcissists who have paved similar paths for themselves. Good luck with that.

As harsh as it sounds, your ego has taken control of your life, and you’re starting to feel superior when comparing yourself to others. You’re judging others who are not in lock-step with you and thinking about (if you haven’t already done so) isolating yourself from your circle of influence, asserting your own personal needs and desires over others who are incapable of seeing things clearly from your perspective.

This is hardly tolerance or love; in fact, it is quite the opposite. You’ve let your fear overshadow all you have worked for, and we all know that the path to the dark side is paved with the best intentions.

Tolerance would suggest that everyone is on their own journey, they are not broken, and honors each person’s right to their own perspective and station in life without judgment. Yet here you are, passing judgment on the person (if not the people) closest to you.

Love, of the unconditional variety, would dictate that you love the person you’ve aligned yourself with unconditionally, regardless of what he or she thinks about the path you’ve selected for yourself.

Your lover is not under any obligation to follow you on your journey, because your journey is not for your mate, even though you both could learn, find value, and deeply benefit from your decision to do so.

It is upon you to love your partner, to create sacred space in your lives together, where you can share and abide in safety and security without the fear of abandonment. Honoring your mate implies that you respect his or her right to their own opinions and defend his or her right to do so, from both others and yourself, without judgment.

After all, aren’t we all just doing the best we can with what we have?

If you are able to take the high road, you may find that your partner is paying far more attention than you think. It’s not unlike your response to a new business opening in town. It is unlikely that you are not going to frequent that business on opening day or support it regularly in the beginning. It may take many exposures to advertising and your regular review for a period of time to see if the proprietor’s venture is worthy of your attention and support, or just another flash in the pan.

How many times have you been aware of a new business who has caught your attention but prior to stepping foot into the establishment, you notice the business has not survived, the owner has collected his or her things and gone home. The business has closed and the space is available for lease.

The possibility exists that your love interest is paying attention to every move you make, watching you very intently, to see if your transformation is real and longstanding, or just a passing phase.

It is quite common for a partner to tarry, while keeping a close eye on their partner, to see for themselves if this is the real deal.

Once they have faith in your growth, metamorphosis, and evolution, they will join you on your journey, making your dream for a supportive synergistic love life come true.

It’s on you to create, allow and protect the sacred space necessary to make it happen.