relationship anxiety | David M Masters

Reconsider Before Hiring a Relationship Private Investigator

The idea of hiring a private investigator to uncover your partner’s potential infidelities can be tempting, especially when suspicion and fear start to cloud your relationship. We’ve all seen shows like Cheaters that sensationalize detective work, offering dramatic confrontations and tearful confessions. However, these TV episodes are highly fictionalized, and in reality, the outcome is rarely as enthusiastically life-changing or impressive as you might hope.

When it comes to real-world relationship investigations, the partner seeking answers must be prepared to take full responsibility for whatever follows. In my experience working with couples, the partner desperate to rebuild a troubled relationship often believes that once they have the cold, hard truth, they can initiate some form of intervention. The hope is that by confronting the partner with evidence, the accused will break down, confess their wrongdoings, beg for forgiveness, and work to rebuild what’s been damaged.

Does this happen?

Yes, but it’s rare. In fact, it happens in maybe one out of fifty cases. More often than not, the mere fact that you’ve hired an investigator is enough to push the accused partner to pack their bags and leave, feeling betrayed and violated. This outcome is usually far from what the suspicious partner hoped for, but unfortunately, it’s the most common result.

The Harsh Reality of Hiring an Investigator

When the dust settles, you’re left with the heartache of a relationship that’s fallen apart and a pile of damaging evidence. What’s even more disheartening is the realization that the information uncovered by the investigator is likely only a fraction of the deceit or wrongdoing throughout the relationship. Investigations are never complete, and much of the betrayal that happened before or outside the scope of the investigation will remain unknown. You’re left holding a metaphorical bag of painful evidence without closure or resolution.

In the rare cases where a partner does admit to their misdeeds and offer reparations, the road to recovery is still treacherous. About half of those relationships ultimately fail anyway, leaving the once-hopeful partner in even more pain after prolonging the inevitable.

A More Effective Approach

If you decide to hire an investigator, there may be a more strategic approach to handling the information. Rather than immediately confronting your partner, consider keeping the evidence to yourself for a while. Use this time to evaluate the relationship without tipping your hand. By observing your partner’s behavior and your own feelings, you can better assess whether there’s any real hope of salvaging the relationship.

If you eventually conclude that reconciliation is impossible, you can choose to end the relationship on your own terms. You may or may not decide to share the evidence as part of your closure, but be prepared for the possibility that your partner will turn the tables and accuse you of being obsessive, paranoid, or even mentally unstable for having gone to such lengths. It takes tremendous courage and emotional strength to navigate this situation, and you’ll need to be ready to face not only the fallout from your partner but also the internal struggle of living with the truths you’ve uncovered.

Things to Consider Before Hiring an Investigator

Before deciding to enlist a private investigator, here are some tips to consider:

1. Ask Yourself Why You’re Doing This: Are you seeking closure or proof for a legal reason, or are you hoping the evidence will give you leverage to change your partner’s behavior? Be clear about your motivations because the results may not bring the resolution you’re hoping for.
2. Prepare for Emotional Fallout: No matter the outcome, the information you uncover will change your relationship forever. Be prepared to deal with intense emotions like anger, hurt, and betrayal.
3. Know the Consequences: Once you hire an investigator, there’s no going back. Even if your suspicions are proven correct, the discovery process may irreparably damage any trust left in the relationship.
4. Evaluate Your Support System: Before embarking on this path, ensure you have a solid support system in place. Friends, family, or a therapist can help you cope with the emotional toll of what you uncover.
5. Understand the Legal Implications: Depending on your location, the evidence gathered by a private investigator may or may not be admissible in court. If you’re considering divorce or a legal separation, consult a lawyer to understand the potential ramifications.
6. Consider Alternative Solutions: If your relationship is in trouble, consider couples therapy or open communication before jumping to surveillance. Sometimes, confronting your concerns can reveal truths without needing an investigator.
7. Be Ready for Unanswered Questions: An investigation can only provide a small glimpse into your partner’s behavior. Accept that some things may never come to light, and consider whether you can live with that uncertainty.
8. Recognize the Possibility of No Misdeeds: There’s always a chance that your partner is innocent, and the investigation will reveal no wrongdoing. In such cases, how will you rebuild trust after you’ve essentially accused them of betrayal?

Take the time to stop and think about how you would feel if you suddenly had proof of your suspicions, and you may find out that the truth is far more disastrous than you could have ever imagined.

Top 40 Relationship PI Disclosures

Here’s a short list of “What if” scenario examples exploring emotional responses and implications in no particular order:

Investigative Disclosure	What if you…
1. Secret Financial Affairs	discovered your partner had opened credit cards in your name, running up significant debt? How would you feel about the betrayal of trust and financial security?
2. Dual Life	found out your spouse had a second family in another city? Imagine the shock and heartbreak of realizing you weren’t their only commitment.
3. Infidelity with Close Friends	were presented with evidence that your partner was having an affair with your best friend? Consider the feelings of betrayal and the impact on your social circle.
4. Hidden Substance Abuse	learned your spouse was secretly abusing substances while taking care of your children? The fear and anger over their irresponsibility and potential harm to your family would be overwhelming.
5. Financial Betrayal	discovered your partner was diverting funds meant for joint expenses into secret accounts? You might feel a mix of anger, confusion, and distrust, questioning the foundation of your partnership.
6. Online Deception	found out your spouse had multiple online dating profiles? The feeling of being replaced or devalued could be incredibly painful.
7. Clandestine Meetings	learned your partner was meeting someone from their past under the guise of work? Imagine the heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy when confronted with their hidden emotional connection.
8. Using Shared Assets for Affairs	discovered your partner had used your vacation home to host romantic getaways with someone else? You might feel betrayed not only by the affair but also by the violation of a shared space that held memories.
9. Inappropriate Workplace Relationships	found evidence of your spouse engaging in inappropriate relationships at work? The betrayal could lead to deep insecurities about your partner’s commitment and professional integrity.
10. Surveillance Footage of Deception	saw footage of your partner meeting multiple people in secretive circumstances? The visual evidence could create intense feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.
11. Undisclosed Health Risks	discovered your partner had been engaging in risky sexual behavior without informing you of potential health issues? You’d likely feel a mix of betrayal, anger, and fear for your own well-being.
12. Manipulating Family Dynamics	learned that your partner was manipulating family members to turn them against you? The feelings of isolation and betrayal could be devastating.
13. Excessive Monitoring of Partner’s Activities	found out your partner was secretly tracking your whereabouts? You would likely feel violated and mistrusted, questioning the foundation of your relationship.
14. Falsifying Travel Plans	discovered your spouse was lying about business trips to cover up secret meetings? The realization of such deception could lead to feelings of anger and heartbreak.
15. Involvement in Ponzi Schemes	found out your partner was involved in a fraudulent financial scheme? You might feel a mix of shock and fear about the legal implications and financial instability it could cause.
16. Fake Social Media Presence	discovered your partner had a fake social media account to engage with others romantically? The betrayal could create feelings of worthlessness and distrust.
17. Hidden Medical Issues	learned your partner was concealing significant health issues? You’d likely feel anger and betrayal, wishing they had been open with you for the sake of your relationship.
18. Gaslighting Tactics	discovered that your partner had been manipulating your perception of reality? The feelings of confusion and isolation could be profound, leading to a crisis of self-worth.
19. Child Endangerment	found out your partner was endangering your children through reckless behavior? The mix of anger and fear for your children’s safety would be overwhelming.
20. Extravagant Secret Purchases	discovered your spouse had been making extravagant purchases without telling you? Feelings of betrayal and concern about financial stability could arise.
21. Secretive Charitable Donations	learned your partner was donating significant amounts to questionable charities? You might feel confused and suspicious about their motivations.
22. Fake Illness for Sympathy	found out your spouse was faking illness for sympathy? The betrayal could lead to feelings of anger and disillusionment in your relationship.
23. Excessive Flirting in Public	saw your partner engaging in flirtatious behavior in public? You might feel embarrassed and humiliated, questioning their commitment.
24. Undercover Meetings with Exes	discovered your partner was meeting with an ex under the guise of “closure”? The emotional pain of that betrayal could be deep and lasting.
25. Diverting Funds for Personal Pleasures	found evidence that your partner was using shared funds for personal hobbies without telling you? Feelings of resentment and betrayal could surface.
26. Manipulating Work Relationships	learned your partner was engaging in inappropriate relationships with colleagues? The impact on your trust and their professional reputation could be significant.
27. Use of Intimate Videos Against Partner	discovered your partner recorded private moments without your consent? Feelings of violation and anger would likely overwhelm you.
28. Engaging in Dangerous Activities	found evidence that your spouse was involved in dangerous activities? The fear for their safety and your family’s stability could lead to intense worry.
29. Secret Gambling Addiction	learned your partner had a gambling addiction, risking your financial security? You would likely feel betrayed and anxious about your future together.
30. Clandestine Illegal Activities	discovered your spouse was involved in illegal activities, such as trafficking or distribution of controlled substances? The shame and fear of legal repercussions could weigh heavily on your relationship.
31. Sharing Private Information	found out your partner had been disclosing private details about your relationship to others? Feelings of betrayal and violation of trust would be acute.
32. Concealing Serious Past Trauma	learned that your partner had hidden significant past trauma affecting your relationship? The realization might lead to feelings of frustration and concern for their well-being.
33. Creating Fake Alibis	discovered your partner had been fabricating alibis? The betrayal could lead to a breakdown of trust and connection.
34. Manipulative Parenting Tactics	found evidence that your spouse was using your children to manipulate you? Feelings of anger and helplessness could arise.
35. Secretive Online Shopping	discovered your partner was hiding excessive online purchases? The breach of trust could lead to anger and anxiety about financial stability.
36. Plotting Your Demise	found yourself in possession of an audio recording of your spouse conspiring with your stepson to murder you? How would you feel about finding out? What would you do?
37. Jealous Obsessive	discovered that your partner had an obsessive, jealous side, and you found out that your car, drawers, and personal belongings were being rifled through in search of clues that you might be having an affair?
38. Clandestine Travel Plans	found out your spouse, who has been planning trips under false pretenses, using work or other excuses to hide potential affairs? Having this information is a heavy burden on the bearer of said details.
39. Sexting and Virtual Sex	received recordings of your partner engaging in explicit conversations and virtual sex acts with strangers online? Your partner sees no harm in this, as it is not “physical” sex, only an affair of imagination.
40. Hidden Assets and Properties	your partner is discovered to own properties or assets not disclosed to the other, indicating potential financial deception?

That is just a small sample of some of the scenarios that some have encountered as the result of hiring a private investigator specializing in relationships. How do you feel about doing so now?

Also, note that hiring such an investigator can be pretty expensive.

Final Thoughts

Hiring a private investigator to monitor your partner is not a decision to be taken lightly. It’s a path that often leads to more pain, less resolution, and, in many cases, the end of the relationship. If you’re considering this route, make sure you fully understand the emotional and practical consequences. Sometimes, the best approach is not to gather evidence but to face the situation head-on, with open communication and a willingness to confront difficult truths without the need for surveillance.

Ultimately, what you uncover may be a small part of a much larger story that you may never know in full. Be prepared for the weight of that truth and the strength it will take to move forward, whatever the outcome.

This Relationship’s Going Nowhere I’m Out

“I am just not feeling it. My husband and I, it’s like we’re from two different planets. I just can’t live in a relationship that’s going nowhere. Can’t do it. I’m out.”

From that to,

“I was in a loveless relationship with my husband and ready to cash-out when I realized that he was my soul mate and now we share the deepest and romantic relationship together forever.”

If you find yourself in a difficult relationship (this applies to all relationships, not just those of the romantic persuasion) you could just bail out when it doesn’t seem to suit your needs (no one would blame you, this is your right) or you might consider, as some have, calling on the power of the universe to have your back.

Those who do, often experience dramatic changes within a year. So, be aware this is not normally instantaneous change. Change, evolution, real change takes time. If you’re interested in giving it a go, consider adopting some of the basic principles that can get you miraculously from where you are now to where you’d love to be with very little effort (though effort is required).

As much as it seems like it’s all about how incompatible this person seems to be in the moment, you might be surprised that this process starts with you. Yes, you.

You have been raised and trained to accept what’s been put on your plate and to expect nothing more. You’ve been programmed for mediocrity and “settling” for less than your highest and best, when that is not what you came here for.

You came here to have it all, and this is your birthright. It’s time you decided to take back your divinity as a child of God and reclaim your sacred life, now.

And it starts with you, getting to know and love you, the true authentic you, with all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you in this life. Even if it looks lackluster, and may have been incredibly painful, causing you to accept anything less than your best life, but has brought you to this moment in time. And the you who you’ve become and as transforming into through this magnificent evolutionary process is nothing less than magnificent.

If you’ve quashed and squelched your special purpose, skills, abilities, and unique message, the universe has caused you to experience life which would further prepare you for this moment, the moment of awakening to your unlimited potential.

Now is the time to start to embrace your divinity and find ways to express who you are through the words you speak and the deeds you do. By activating your 7 points of evolving expansion, you can raise your vibration to love and above.

You must get to know who you really are and love everything that you are and can be in this life and beyond, all of it, even the stuff you thought was not good (and no one was saying it wasn’t bad) but it helped to bring you to who and what you are today, and will magnify your future potential.

Don’t wait for anyone to validate or love you. You are the love of your life. Love yourself deeply, now, more than ever, every day more and more. As you find ways to fill your heart with love, this overflowing love can spill over to the others you care deeply about, your family, your community, and the world at large. Any other form of giving love is really servitude and generosity, if your heart is not full and overflowing with love. (And there’s nothing wrong with that. We need all the love we can get.)

So fill your loving cup by learning to love who you are, accepting and embracing the life that has brought you to this point in time, find ways to fill your heart with love, and take full responsibility for looking after yourself and seeing that your needs are tended to.

When your loving cup is full, then you can truly spread the love that overflows to others.

Sometimes you encounter situations and circumstances that rub you the wrong way. Find ways to take another look at the scenario, from an alternate perspective, keeping in mind that your desire is to raise your vibration to love and above, and maintain this higher frequency.

With any circumstance, there is a full spectrum of responses you can initiate in response to the situation or thought. On one end, you can stand and fight because you’re justifiably “pissed off,” and on the other end of the spectrum, you can choose to apply love and see the event from God’s perspective.

Often perception interpretation can lead to misunderstanding, and no one would blame you for going there. After all, you’ve endured many life experiences that have caused you to reach conclusions rapidly as a form of self-defense. Thankfully, this skill has gotten you this far.

If a person’s words or actions have set off your inner alarms, instead of jumping to conclusions, try jumping into the other person’s perspective. Why would he or she say or do such a thing? What life traumas might be underneath it all? Can you find compassion for someone who might act or react in such a way? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What does that feel like?

And if that weren’t enough, look at it from God’s perspective. I could be with a completely indiscriminate person that I do not get, at all, but if I were to ask for God’s opinion, God would say, “I love him” (or her). Could I then, by seeing through the eyes of love, see those redeeming qualities that God sees?

Yeah, I might not agree with them, but they do have that God-loves-‘em-so-much quality about them. Who am I to judge? A little tolerance goes a long way. Try asking yourself What are People Like Who are Tolerant?

The quicker you are to change the way you think about a negative thought and turn it into a loving thought, your love quotient remains at the high level you are practicing to regulate. As with anything, the more often you do it, the easier it gets.

As you start to turnaround how you think about things, the whole world starts to turnaround, adjusting to your new perspective, but you must shift your point of view, first.

Raising your vibration makes you start to expect more positive responses and good things to happen to you, and they do.

If your attention is focused upon this person who you might like to be a better match for you but is not in the moment, no problem. You respect the fact that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have, and this is a beautiful child of God you’re looking at, regardless of how off-base or weird he or she may appear right now.

You can be proactive by giving him or her a chance to respond in a manner which is more befitting of your new higher vibration. You may go through an entire scenario and have it come up leaving you feeling unconnected and empty inside. By all means, do not just walk away in silence. This is the new you, with your full awakened presence intact. Give him or her another chance.

Speak up. Let him or her know that you thought this could have gone better. Try reframing the situation and all the two of you to give it another go, to see if you can come up with a more favorable outcome. If this is practiced in love, with a pure heart, the outcome will be more to your liking. Maybe not to meet your fullest expectation, but look how closer you are to having the synchronicity you desire. Good job.

As you do this, the person you’re practicing with begins to anticipate this as opportunities arise and he or she rises to meet your positive loving expectation. You expect more, receive more of what you want in connection, and love grows.

Love is all there really is …

Trends in Relationship Anxiety

Relationships can be hard. In fact, it’s said that relationship that are the hardest to work through tend to be the best. If you don’t find yourself believing that, do a little research on twin flames. Though relationships can be difficult, and one might think, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” It might be advantageous to look at the latest trends in relationship anxiety.

If relationships were easy, a lot of counselors and attorneys would be bankrupt, as well as many other industries and programs which are supported by relationship anxiety.

In my work with couples, I see particular trends which seem to come up. The mix changes from time to time, but they all seem to come in groups of waves. This year, it seems like there is a pattern representing a group eight recurring issues that may be a source of friction, breakdown, or relationship anxiety.

While a partnership between two people should encourage each partner to grow and change, sometimes this growth and change can lead to a separation, where the independence of each partner overshadows the union or togetherness, and they find themselves drifting apart, as they traverse different roads. In this case, the best decision might be to put an end to the confines of the relationship and each goes their own way with God’s blessings.

Even though the trends in relationship anxiety might indicate the end of an era, resulting in the total loss of the relationship, any relationship can be restored to its full potential, with the commitment, and diligence of both parties recognizing the problems and doing the work of reparation.

The trends in relationship anxiety of the day appear to be,

1. Not Working on the Relationship

When one of the partners is doing most of the work of keeping the relationship together, while the other just seems to coast along, this indicates there’s trouble ahead. A relationship is a two-way street. For it to work efficiently, both partners should be vested, ready and willing to do the work of maintaining connection and managing the relationship. Solo relationship management will result in the deterioration of the relationship and the one who has put forth the greater effort will feel the most pain in the end.

2. Unsupportive

In a healthy relationship, two people hold each other up and support each other emotionally. When the support of your partner is waning, you can bet so is his or her connection to you. This is apparent, and you’re able to recognize it with your feelings. You don’t feel like your partner isn’t supporting you, or lacks interest in those things that make your heart sing which you are deeply passionate about, you’re feeling more isolated, and you are. If your passions cannot find reconnection when you first feel this drifting apart, it may not be salvageable in the future.

3. You Don’t Come First

In the hierarchy of values which exist within a relationship, you need to be number one, just as your partner needs to be your number one priority. Certainly, in a healthy relationship each participant has their own independent lives they live, but in their togetherness, the other partner is the priority, and in keeping with this perspective decisions which are made should contain the weight of how your partner might feel about this or that. Taking you partner’s perspective into consideration is important, for without it… If your partner is making decisions without taking you into consideration, this will lead to a falling away, as he or she finds other interests which are more interesting and your station within your partner’s life fades to nothing as he or she spends more time with his or her hobbies, friends, coworkers, etc.

4. Broken Promises

Trust is the backbone of any relationship. Without trust, what do you have? Nothing. The way you bolster trust and integrity with strength and honor is to make a promise and keep it. Broken promises are the enemy of trust. Your word is your bond. If you say you will do something, do it. If not, be honest upfront and say you just can’t see yourself doing it. If your partner is continually falling short, and you’re feeling more and more frustrated, thinking about his or her “lies” (which they may not be) don’t think it’s going to get better. You can’t change him or her. That’s the way your partner is wired. If you can’t accept that, it might be worth setting a firm boundary, that you refuse to be treated like that, and move along. Or you could just accept that’s how your partner is and try to accept and ignore it as best you can. Can he or she change? Certainly, but it won’t have anything to do with you. People only change for their own reasons (if it’s to be lasting change).

5. Devices are More Important than You

This is a growing trend in the deterioration of relationships. It’s difficult to predict the effect technology will have in the future based on how our relationship with our devices appear to be overshadowing our face-to-face encounters and authentic connection with others. If your partner favors his or her phone or other devices over you, this is definitely cause for concern. Both of you spending a lot of time plugged into your devices seems like an insignificant distraction at first but the first one to break out of this techno-trance sees the price that was paid when he or she discovers that your human connection has lost its meaning.

6. Being Secretive

We all have our lives, our intimate private details which we keep safely locked away in our psyches, but if you or your partner are keeping secrets from each other so as to keep things on an even keel, this will backfire when the truth comes to light. In the most healthy relationships, there is an openness and honesty, even intimating difficult details and circumstance. We all realize there will be bumps in the road, but sharing and caring about them and keeping them on the table, openly discussed, makes all the difference. This level of communication can make a couple grow stronger while keeping secrets causes separation, each one disconnecting you a little more.

7. Your Plans Don’t Include Me

We all know it’s healthy to have a little time with our friends, a girl’s or guy’s night out, but when these soirées take priority over your significant other, your significant other loses his or her significance. N’est-ce pas? Togetherness must include some being together and it’s important to schedule time together in those times when you’re not under bondage to some more important commitment (like a job, let’s say). If you’re spending more of your available hours with others, don’t be too surprised when your partner packs his or her bags. This will happen if your partner is feeling as though you care about others more him or her. And if you’re hearing about your partner’s hopes and dreams of the future, and you’re not hearing how you factor into all of that, there’s a reason; he or she does not see you as a part of his or her future.

8. Selfishness

All of us have a little narcissist inside, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if your partner is only all about himself or herself, then you know there’s going to be trouble ahead. All that, “Oh, I don’t want to eat this, I want to eat that,” which was so cute in the beginning is starting to get old, and since then there’s been so much piled atop the heap of selfishness, like, what television programming or movies to watch, what and where you eat, vacation destination and activities. A relationship is give-and-take, not take-take-take. If your partner’s interests are often self-centered, he or she is not into you.

Keep in mind, these trends in relationship anxiety are just food for thought. They don’t mean you should bail out of the relationship altogether. These trends only indicate the most frequent issues I have been seeing as being problematic sources of relationship anxiety in my work with couples. Left to themselves, yes, the relationship will fail but if these issues are addressed and worked on, overcoming such obstacles could lead to the greatest relationship of all.

But it takes two.