Tag: deceive

Deception by Omission

Everyone lies, it’s a basic mechanism we use to get through life with some sense of decorum. Then there are those who are involved in deception with malicious intent or ill-gotten gains. The craftiest of these swindlers engage in deception by omission, then deny any wrongdoing because they didn’t actually engage in lying, they just failed to include some of the pertinent details.

It’s no accident that these details went undisclosed, it was meant to purposefully deceive you, and to prevent you from having access to the truth, then deny all responsibility of deceit by claiming that no deceit has taken place because no one lied. You just did not have all the information. No crime. No foul.

In terms of trust and betrayal, you cannot trust someone who engages in deception by omission. It is a cunning misdirection and intentional withholding is no accident.

Even with the best of intentions, we leave out certain details out of fear. The fear of being caught, punished, made to feel guilty, or because we let someone down and cause someone’s feelings to be hurt. Even so, if you’re leaving out details that would have otherwise been more honest, you are lying.

For those with malicious intent, they lie by omission to manipulate, defraud, do harm, protect themselves, avoid accountability, or to appeal to your more sensitive capabilities causing you to let down your guard. No matter what they call it, or how they try to justify it, they are being dishonest and lying to you by omission.

Practicing deception of any kind, either by outright lying or practicing deception by omission, actually does more harm to the deceiver than you might expect. If you are otherwise a good person attempting to live a good life, the act of deceiving others in any fashion will cost you in your overall health score.

Unless you are a psychopath or pathological liar, these little indiscretions cause stress in the body which builds in magnitude and severely compromises your immune system. It takes a great deal of energy to manage deception and lies. This is a waste of energy which would be better used to sustain life, not to cause its deterioration.

Lying also creates an underlying frequency of paranoia for those who are trying to cover their tracks, often wondering if their true colors will ever be been shown or will they one day be held responsible for their deception.

The act of deceiving others lowers your emotional frequency and keeps your mind in the lower vibrational environments which breed fewer positive thoughts and responses overall. This will tend to attract less positive life circumstances to appear more frequently in your life.

Deception by omission promotes a lack of trust in your inner circle. Even of those who aren’t actually a party to your deception by omission. They will always wonder when and if you might be practicing deception by omission on them, even if you never do.

Once a betrayal of trust has taken place, there is little that can be done to repair the damage, except to be totally honest and trustworthy for long enough a period of time that the offending party can start to trust you once again. The amount of time necessary to regain someone’s trust depends on the person who has been deceived.

Stabbed in the Back

You’ve opened your heart, trusted someone you cared about, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and he or she stabbed you in the back. Now, you look back and can see every red flag that indicated this might be coming, and you ignored them because you saw the only goodness and the sacred potential in this person. Still, you were stabbed in the back.

People disrespect you, friends let you down, even your own family could betray you. No doubt, betrayal leaves wounds and scars that can endure and cause the deterioration of your entire system, body, mind, and spirit.

What should you do when you’ve been stabbed in the back?

Jesus had the nerve to suggest you should forgive those who stab you in the back 7 times 70 times (Matthew 18:22), and I’m certain that it’s not about the math problem so much as it is about if someone stabs you in the back you should just forgive them over and over again.

Forgive them, yes, but do not let them walk all over you.

What can you do when you’ve been stabbed in the back?

You can forgive them for not honoring your ability to ability to only see them in the best light. No need to punish yourself for putting your faith in – and trusting – someone else, which would be the natural response of your ego which stands in judgment of everyone and everything, even you.

At the very least, take sacred action to set boundaries for those who disrespect you, and distance yourself from those you know have a propensity to stab you in the back.

You are responsible for the perseverance of your sacred space. Do not let anyone take your power away or have dominion over you. Remember that even in the worst situations someone may be able to impose their will over your body, but you must allow them to have dominion over your mind. Stop giving your power away. Do not allow them to exert authority over your mind.

Pay more attention. Remember the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.” Not all people are loving, open, honest, and respectful of others, like you. Every now and then, your bound to run across the occasional psychopath, sociopath or narcissist, who could certainly throw your otherwise peaceful or harmonious life off-balance, or worse, even turn your whole world upside down.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who do not have your best interest at heart. Some people are just toxic, and it’s up to you to decide what’s best for you to do.

When you’re just getting started setting boundaries, “back off,” and a firm, “no” are good ways to protect your sacred space. Drawing firm lines in the sand (metaphorically or otherwise) around you is also effective.

When you’re totally comfortable with the idea of protecting yourself from the negative influence or impact of others on your psychological wellbeing or your life at all, then you can consider the idea of loving them unconditionally.

Loving others, and blessing those who hurt you, is a tough row to hoe, but if you wrap your heart and mind around the idea that everyone (including you) is only doing the best with what they have, you might be able to imagine having compassion (not feeling sorry) for that person. Consider, if you were in his or her shoes, having lived the very life that he/she had lived up to that point, you would have responded in exactly the same way.

You might be able to find the wherewithal to forgive the person by whom you were stabbed in the back, or maybe even not judge them for any wrongdoing at all, for they were simply doing the best the could with the tools they had at the time.

Don’t worry if all that love seems inconceivable at present, but at the very least, stop letting yourself be stabbed in the back.

It’s up to you to do it.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

No Such Thing as a Lie

When someone lies to you, if you feel as though someone has hit you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back, you’ve bought into the lie which asserts that there is such a thing as a lie. What if there is no such thing as a lie?

The idea of promoting the idea that there are lies, and that there are fewer crimes more offensive than lying, is the single most effective tool used against us to keep us fully separated from each other.

This obsession over the difference between truth and lies keeps us at war with each other and keeps us constantly on the defensive, ever wondering, “Who will lie to you next?”

This begins and perpetuates the endless cycle of looking for lies, and as you know, you will always find whatever it is you are looking for. If you are looking for lies, you will find them everywhere you look.

What if there was no such thing as a lie?

What if everything anyone says (in spoken word or print) actually is true one hundred percent of the time?

This is the essence of my Truth Continuum which purports that everything is truth. If history teaches us anything it is that everything which has been widely accepted as truth is subject to change and that one person’s truth can vary wildly from that of someone else.

Truth is subjective. And if truth is subject to influence and personal interpretation, then the antithesis, lies, must also be subjective. Which puts these concepts on par with each other, for if someone’s truth is another person’s lie, they are one and the same; all within the Truth Continuum.

As much as you might like to assert your truth is based on facts or sound science, we know that these things are not as black and white as we might like to believe.

Truth more adequately stated might be, “The truth as I see it,” which reasonably must allow for the truth of others as, “The truth as you see it.” Therefore, all truth, past, present, and future (including other dimensions and places in time and space) resides within the truth continuum.

Lies are a little trickier because there are two kinds of lies, the lies which are contradictory to one’s perceived truth (these may reside within the truth continuum), and lies which are purposefully spun in an effort to deceive someone or to avoid some potentially undesirable consequence (excluded from the truth continuum).

To express a lie which is known to the deliverer to not be true in an effort to deceive may be spun in such a way as to be believable or potentially true is a lie which has no truth within it, even though there may be truths hidden within the details of it, to make it appear to credible or truthful.

Lying with intentional deceit is not the same as declaring something that is believed to be true but may not be perceived by others to be true.

The possibility exists that many of the popular beliefs purported by social engineers and leaders of certain factions may have intentionally spun to deceive a particular populace but with the intention to benefit the purveyors of the lie or the greater part of the population.

Those who use lies to control people may have concocted the most masterful lies with no truth present as a method to manipulate peoples, and even so, because these lies have been believed to be truth by someone, these ideas can also be found in the truth continuum.

So, what if someone lies to you intentionally to deceive you?

Ask yourself, “Does it matter?”

If you can wrap your mind around the idea that people just are, and you honor their ability to be who they are, to say what they say, without judgment, maybe what they say to you, even if intended to defraud you in some way, doesn’t really matter.

This is your life, and you can manage it any way you see fit.

Think about being an unconditional lover who believes in the idea that everyone has the same rights as you to be right or believed, no matter what.

Consider having the courage to believe there is no such thing as a lie, and to say, “I love you no matter what you say, no matter what you do.”

If there were no such thing as a lie, you could easily stay in the frequency of love’s vibration and your countenance would be unshakeable.

How to Deal with a Liar

How to deal with a liar? The truth is, if you can handle it, behavioral scientists report that during a 10-minute conversation people will lie two to three times, and if we are people, these statistics are true for you and me, too.

That’s a hard pill to swallow because we don’t like to be lied to, and we don’t like to be thought of as a liar, so we try to cover it up with withholding otherwise negative information (which is the unspoken lie of a weak-kneed chicken-hearted person, or people-pleaser). I know, “But I was trying to be nice,” but it’s still a lie.

And if you’re sensitive or aware enough to know when someone is lying to you, guess what? You’re wrong 47 percent of the time, so the joke’s on you.

Think law enforcement, CIA and lie detector professionals fare any better? Well, they do. They’re only wrong 40 percent of the time. Even with all the technology and behavioral science we can muster, only a seven percent increase in actual detection of a lie.

Even so, when you catch someone in a lie, it seems like such a betrayal or breach of trust how could anyone not take it personally?

So, what do you do when you catch someone in a lie?

Well, there are a couple of ways to approach the fact that someone has lied to you (assuming you know the facts, and that there is no other option than you’ve actually witnessed a bold-faced lie first hand).

Your first option is not to do anything, understanding that people lie all the time, and this person felt the inclination or need to lie based on any number of life circumstances and situations, and who knows? If you’d lived the same life and been faced with the same options at that particular point in time of your life, you may have responded the same way. Who knows? It could happen.

On the other hand, you could just laugh it off and make a joke of it, like it’s really no big deal. In this scenario, you might laughingly hint to what they might have said as being inaccurate or an exaggeration, without having to put the person on the spot. This gives them the un-threatened time and space to review what they’ve said and maybe consider approaching a more accurate story after they’ve had a chance to work it out for themselves.

You could take the Columbo approach, another non-threatening tactic, pretending that you’ve had a memory lapse, or appear to be confused because you’ve been juggling a lot of information that has become overwhelming and confusing. With this approach, you can query the person at leisure, by playing dumb, while continuing to ask questions to clarify your confusion, you’re likely to end up with a more accurate picture after some continued communication exchange.

Then, of course, there is the more direct option, which is to challenge their lie face-to-face, eye-to-eye. While this is the most direct approach, this is by far the most difficult and there is little or no margin for error. You must have your facts in order, in such a way so as not to be challenged yourself, or you could be labelled as a liar. In this direct fashion of facing off with the liar, it might be best done in private, or with others who may have been affected by the lie. Either way, be direct, keep control of your emotions, deal with the facts, and let the chips fall where they may.

Report the lie, if you feel the need to, to the proper authorities, manager(s), employers, agency, or victim, but if you do, keep it unemotional and stick only to the facts. Don’t use conjecture, accuse or try to speculate why this person feels as though they had to lie about anything. And if you are motivated by fear, anger or revenge, do not report it – at least not now – wait until you can make a report with complete control of your faculties. Often, after you’ve given yourself time to cool down, you might think that it wasn’t as much of a crisis as it felt like at the time, and you’ve avoided someone’s thinking that you’re over-reactive.

Above all, make note that you’re dealing with someone who has the propensity to lie. Try to cover your back by documenting all communication with this person. Try to communicate by verifiable methods such as email or texting. If this person is a highly advanced liar, they will not commit their words to writing. No problem, pay very close attention to what they say, noting the day(s), time(s), place(s) and player(s), then summarize their statement to him or her in a text or email just to confirm that you understood them correctly.

Deception by Withholding

“I didn’t lie to you.”

That’s what the deceiver says when being confronted by the truth coming out about something they knew would rather have kept secret. That’s why they did not disclose it in the first place. But the crafty deceiver holds fast to the idea that because they didn’t actually say anything that was untrue, so their superior intellect and “morals” are supported by the idea that they did not lie.

The question that comes up in counseling is, “Is withholding really lying, since they haven’t actually verbalized a lie?” Good question. While there are hundreds of possibilities, it largely depends on the participants and their belief systems. But regardless of what your belief is (even if you think it’s okay for you to do) when it happens to you, all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so right.

From a trained Catholic point of view there are two types of sins; the sin of commission and the sin of omission. In terms of lying, actually telling a lie would be a sin of commission, while withholding would be a sin of omission, both sharing equal consequence. Regarding the sin of omission, Jesus’ brother says, “Whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” (James 4:17) which incorporates so much more than the unspoken words, actually including the right thing(s) one should have done but didn’t do.

But in a relationship, is it really all that bad to purposefully not disclose certain information that really wouldn’t accomplish anything but hurt someone’s feelings? Someone who thinks this way might say,

“I’m not lying, and I don’t see the need to hurt someone’s feelings when I didn’t really do anything wrong.”

This is due to the gray area representing activities or indiscretions that could have been worse.

An example might go something, like this…

Let’s say your boyfriend says,

“My friend’s mom is sick and he has to go to meet with his attorney and go to night court and he wants me to be there with her, while he’s gone.”

This doesn’t seem unreasonable so your boyfriend heads out to his friends house. He has his cell phone with him, so you can stay in touch.

His last text at 8:40 pm says,

“I forgot my charger, battery’s dying. I will text you when I get home.”

In this day and age, that could happen. You might even remember a time when your phone died, like that.

A couple of weeks later, you run into a girlfriend who saw him at a concert that night, and you assume she must be confused, because you know where he was that night.

As it turns out, the truth was that he did go over to his friend’s house to sit with his mother while he took care of his legal issues, but what he neglected to tell you was that he went to the concert with friends.

Regardless of what else may have happened, you were not made aware of his other friend’s extra concert ticket, and he neglected to tell you that, because he thought you might get mad, if you’d have known. Since nothing bad happened (like copulation), there was really no harm in sparing your feelings needlessly.

He may justify or think, he was only looking out for your best interest in the deception by omission.

Whether his concern was innocent, or not, the fact remains there was purposeful deception. In this scenario, the boyfriend indirectly lied as he omitted critical and important details, to deceive. With the intention of allowing you to believe all is well, and there was no opportunity for transgression.

Another example might be the urge to use a vague response to a question like, “What did you do last night?” A vague answer might be, “Oh, nothing, really.”

The key here is to remember that it’s just not sociopaths who use these slick methods of deception. People just like you and me do it also because we know that it’s wrong to lie, so we don’t want to do that. Because we have a conscious, it somehow feels better to tell some of the truth and to leave out the pertinent details that might otherwise cause needless confusion or conflict.

No one can really say if it’s right or wrong, but the truth is, if you feel sighted, hurt, betrayed, or indirectly lied to, then it’s definitely not a good thing. This is not a healthy state of mind to be in for very long.

We all deceive using different motives, such as making ourselves appear to have it more together than we actually do, to hide sensitive details or information (which may have negative consequences), and to hurt someone (maliciously, or in self-defense).

So what can you do when someone has hurt your feelings by withholding information?

Try to avoid labeling him or her as a liar. Allow him or her the opportunity to disclose the non-disclosed portion of the story on their own. Try to keep your emotions in check and instead try to think about why he or she would feel the need to withhold. Maybe some counseling might be in order, if they have unresolved issues, addictions, or trauma from the past.

Communicate where your boundary is on undisclosed information, make sure he or she understands, and hope this doesn’t happen in the future, while keeping in mind that you cannot change someone or expect them to change on command. The best you can do is to communicate your expectations and hope for the best. And if you find you cannot live with this type of behavior, then you must do what is right for you.

No one expects anyone to be 100% honestly disclosing everything 24/7, that would be unreasonable and abusive.