Category: Blog

What Can You Do if You Catch Your Partner Lying?

Everyone lies. We do it for all kinds of reasons; to make life easier on us, on those we care about, on the behalf of someone else, to be polite, and to outright deceive and defraud on purpose. But what can you do if you catch your partner lying?

You love and trust your partner. Without trust, where is the love? When you catch your partner lying, you feel as though you’ve been stabbed in the back, punched in the gut, or so disrespected or disregarded that you don’t know if you can think straight. What can you do?

Nobody will deny you your right to feel bad about being lied to, that’s a given. We’ve all been in the same boat, for who of us has made it through life without being lied to of deceived. Sometimes people can be harmfully deceitful without saying a word, as is the case of lying by omission.

Yes, even not saying anything is in order to cover something up or avoid being truthfully honest (lying by omission) is a venial sin. It doesn’t mean you have to be rudely open and honest, just to tell the truth, and if you love someone, be honest lovingly. Tell the truth in a way that respects your partner. Be gentle and speak your truth with grace and love, even if it is difficult. Nobody expects you to be perfect.

If you’ve caught your partner lying, don’t sweep it under the carpet or try to gloss it over. Dishonesty in a relationship will cause your trust to rust, and leads to the erosion of your love, especially if you’re harboring the truth about your knowledge of the deceit or dishonesty and not saying anything about it (lying by omission). Even you are a guilty enabler by engaging in the dishonesty.

Get it out in the open. Relationships go through periods of varying levels of comfort and discomfort, it’s the nature of two people sharing one life. It is all part of the growth process. If there is no conflict, there can be no growth, which leaves you with stagnation. Where is the life in that? You might be able to get by, but you can forget thriving in a relationship which is a cesspool.

Grab your grown-up skivvies and get ready for some gentle conversation about your awareness that something’s not adding up. As in all difficult conversations, create a safe space to frame the conversation and avoid being accusatory. This is about creating an environment where its safe to be honest. Avoid jumping-in, interrupting, or otherwise preventing your partner from fully sharing. Take notes on paper, if you have to, but let them speak their truth in peace.

Let them say whatever it is, without interruption, or else he or she will get defensive, and the flow of open communication will stop if your partner feels like he or she needs to take the defensive position.

Once you’ve actively heard what your partner needs to say, and you’ve affirmed that you’ve understood the key points by paraphrasing them back to him or her, now your partner owes you the same respect to hear what you have to say about it.

Check with your heart and center yourself. Take a cleansing breath, then speak your heart in love. Again, be honest, but try to avoid being harsh. If your feelings have been hurt, say so, but try to use words that are not abrupt or frightening. Remember you are expressing how you feel, so start your sentences with “I,” or, “I feel like,” and avoid starting any statement with, “You.”
Trust your intuition. When you feel like something just isn’t right. In most cases, something isn’t right. If your partner gives a perfectly good explanation, and it doesn’t feel right, you probably know by experience that something has most always been amiss when you’ve had feelings, like that, in the past.

Deciding whether you can live with this or not is only something you must decide for yourself. Everybody’s different, and we all can tolerate different degrees of what our partners are allowed to do or not do within the confines of our relationships.

Even though magazines and tabloids will gibe you a list of do’s and don’ts in black and white, there really is no strict guideline for what is and is not acceptable in a successful relationship. Each couple must figure out for themselves what works for them.

Forgiveness in a loving relationship goes a long way. For the repeat offender, you might think about negotiating new paradigms for the expansion of your relationship, or if you are unable to come to a workable compromise, it might be time to look for a better match for your true love to emerge.

It’s your love life. It’s up to you.

Love, love, love. Love like it’s all that matters because it is. And if you dare, think about loving unconditionally.

I love you no matter what.

Narcissist or Narcissistic?

Are you, or is someone you know, a narcissist or narcissistic? Know there is a huge difference between the tow you can be narcissistic and not be a narcissist.

If you’re wondering if you are either a narcissist or simply narcissistic, chances are you’re probably not a narcissist. It would be very rare for a narcissist to wonder if he or she was a narcissist because that would be the furthest thing from his or her mind. Narcissists do not see themselves as being narcissistic at all.

But you may at times act or be perceived as being narcissistic, expressing yourself in a way that might make someone else wonder if you might be a narcissist, and this can be perfectly normal and even a positive attribute now and then in any normal healthy normal person’s life.

Being a little narcissistic periodically is not the same as being a narcissist. A narcissist is someone who suffers from a personality disorder which can be diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD.

The biggest distinction between expressing yourself or being perceived by others as being narcissistic and being a narcissist (one who is either diagnosed or undiagnosed with NPD) is that one comes and goes, and the other you’re stuck with.

Narcissists have certain traits which set them apart from the rest of us. Traits such as

• Being uncommonly selfish or self-centered
• See themselves as being superior to others
• Seek to connect with others who are also superior
• Need to be recognized or celebrated by others
• Abnormal sense of entitlement (expects others to support them)
• Will use others to get what they want
• Doesn’t care what others think or feel (especially if they’ve suffered consequences on the narcissist’s behalf)
• Want what others have, and are quick to judge others as wanting what they have
• Are arrogant, prone to disrespect, and likely to put others down

A narcissist possesses a majority of these attributes (more than half consistently) throughout their life.

You can see that some of these attributes are good ways to express yourself when you’re feeling confident, have high self-esteem, are proactively getting things done, setting boundaries, or protecting yourself and your sacred space.

If someone is not used to you exercising any of the attributes in the above list of NPD traits, which might be a natural act of self-preservation, choosing to increase your level of efficacy, desiring to experience a life in a higher emotional state or vibration, they may be surprised, shocked, and/or take it personally.

If they don’t know you very well, they may accuse you of being a narcissist. Clearly, you are not a narcissist, just because someone didn’t like or respect your ability to take the driver’s seat and manage your life effectively. But you can’t blame them for knowing what a narcissist looks like. This is a good thing.

Knowing how to identify a narcissist is an excellent skill to keep yourself suffering at the hands of a narcissist. Narcissists, are not malevolent, meaning they mean no harm, yet they do cause people around them to suffer, but there is no intent of malice.

They just have no regard for how their decisions or life choices affect other people’s lives around them. They have no conception of it. If you are trying to explain to them how something they did hurt your feeling, caused you distress, or hardship, they just cannot understand, and they will just think you are a weak person who is a little “off.” In the extreme, they may just have a totally irreverent response, like, “Oh well,” “Too bad,” or, “Sucks to be you.”

Don’t let it get to you, it’s just the way they are wired. Don’t take it personally. Realize that he or she is just doing the best they can; and keep a safe distance between the two of you to protect your sacred space, if you are so inclined.

So, don’t worry if someone accuses you of being a narcissist or narcissistic, you know you are not. Maybe you just caught someone off-guard with you growing into a more mature person. Don’t let that slow you down. You can understand why they might have felt that way.

Bless them and stay on track.

As your skills increase, you can express yourself affirmatively a little more gently without shocking others. Until then, do not let someone else’s insecurities slow you down.

You have the most exciting life waiting for you, and you are on your way to enjoying the best things in life.

Watching the People You Love Ruin Their Lives

You love them with all your heart, yet they make choices and decisions that bring discomfort, despair, and chaos into their life. There’s little worse than watching the people you love ruin their lives. You want to help. You give your input and suggestions, still, they insist on being their own worst enemy.

It breaks your heart every time they do it, yet you cannot prevent them from exercising their own free will and living the life they were meant to live.

What? “the life they were meant to live?” That’s right. Everyone is on their own individual journey. Each one is different and different people are destined to have different experiences, in a sense to play out the hand they were dealt in such a way to get them where their life’s journey leads.

You know, in your life, you’ve made bad decisions which have led to uncomfortable consequences. But didn’t you learn from those experiences? Weren’t there critical pivot points in your life which made you evaluate your decision-making process, change your life, and make better decisions in the future?

This is the process, and you can’t do it for anyone else. This may make you feel like you’re watching the people you love ruin their lives, but you’re not. You are not watching them ruin their lives, what you’re doing is watching the people you love make their own way through life, just as you’re making your own way through yours.

We’ve all learned key values based on our individual experiences, such as being a people pleaser or keeping up with the Joneses. Taking the easy way out, procrastination, giving up too soon or holding on too long. Asserting your superiority or not valuing others. You know all the right answers and everyone else is wrong. Not speaking your peace, or not being open to new ideas.

You know from your own experience that it’s not a good thing to bury the past and ignore it, to judge others harshly, to engage in hate speech, to think that what you want is all that matters, or to hold onto expectations so tightly that if something doesn’t go your way, your whole world collapses.

You’ve learned valuable life lessons, like having a bad experience doesn’t mean that everything associated with a similar focal point of your bad experience (stocks, cars, investments, mate choice, religion, social cliques, pets, children, relatives, etc.) is patently also potentially “bad.” You know better to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You’ve learned this over time.

You know if you feel like you can’t do it, you probably can. You’ve learned to be open to new ideas because you might end up making your own life easier or better. You’ve discovered that cutting yourself some slack, not judging yourself harshly, and taking time to relax and smell the roses are not only beneficial but necessary for living a good life.

You’ve learned that not all advice from people you care for and trust is not always the best advice.

Failure is not fatal. If you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and get ready to give it another go. You’ve learned that you cannot give to others or love with all your heart if your cup is empty.

You’ve learned to graciously accept assistance if someone offers to lend a hand, and to avoid being seen as narcissistic by others.

You’ve learned to accept others as they are, where they are on their own individual journey. You love them, you let you make their own way, and you bless them as they learn from their own experiences.

Many of the most valuable lessons in life are learned by living life, by making mistakes, and learning from them. Why would you deny anyone that part of their journey?

The people you love have to find and make their own way, to discover all these things on their own. You may share your own story as an interesting anecdote, but do not preach to nor condemn them for having the courage to make their own decisions, and do not coddle them when they suffer the consequences.

This is their life. Honor them.

Yes, it can be hard to watch them go through it. You can pray for them, bless, them, love them, but do not judge them, for they are doing the best they can with what they have, as so have you.

Seeing Your Highest and Best Potential

You may not be able to see it, but for those of us who work with others, to assist them on their journey to achieve their full potential, sometimes we are given a gift of visionary insight when we are actually seeing your highest and best potential fully realized.

 

You may or may not be able to imagine, visualize, or see it, but for those of us doing this work, we are either given glimpses of it of can see it fully in fine detail.

This can be confusing because it just doesn’t only happen with clients, as I have seen the full potential in complete strangers. Some of them have been so powerful that I couldn’t help myself. I would open a conversation and talk about some of the details which might lead to the unfolding of their potential magnificence.

In general, you cannot communicate with someone’s potential, only their condition.

On occasion, these strangers are appalled that anyone could see any such potential in them at all. They are far from what lies ahead for them, and they cannot imagine anything that incredible coming from their living a life as simple, and painful as the life they are living in the moment.

There is so much trauma from the past and victimization. They’ve been ignored or berated, been abused, and disrespected, and they’re at a place where they feel little more than unworthiness and or looming depressions (if not fully engulfed in it).

Yet, I know I am not mistaken. The question is, will this person rise to the occasion or will they let “society,” or their lack of self-esteem, keep them from breaking away from life’s whirlpool which is dragging them in the opposite direction.

Even though I know it is not time, I might extend an offer to help them, as if to throw them a lifeline even though their caught in the overwhelming current of life. If the timing is not right (and I know it’s not) they will think they are in the presence of a crazy person.

In a few years, possibly many years, they will look back to this awkward conversation and think, “How’d he know?” Or, based on their not seizing the opportunities when they became available, they might think, “What a crackpot!”

When I am in the flow of helping someone achieve their highest and best, I may have them well in advance to their being ready to take certain steps necessary to bridge the gap from their being in the now to where they want to be, or to help find their way for what is already waiting for them to arrive.

In a sense, they are unable to see the forest for there are too many trees in the way.

These journeys, or unfoldings, don’t usually happen instantly (though on the rare occasion they do). There is normally a series of processes which must be experienced by the person inspired to do the work necessary to achieve their highest and best.

In most cases, personal or spiritual growth and change are necessary for the transformation, a sort of metamorphosis to have the tools necessary and to be the person who is ready to walk through the doo confidently when it begins to open for you.

When your calling is fervently calling you forward, you might find yourself at the doorway, unprepared, and not fully able to fully engage in the opportunity at the time. The door closes, but do not be dismayed, because another door will open.

And in that magical moment, when you and the opportunity are in alignment, we all will be seeing your highest and best potential being realized in massive ways.

Will you be seeing your highest and best potential in your mind’s eye or take an active role in it’s unfolding? Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?

They Will Never Change

You know who I’m talking about. The person you’ve cared about, probably sacrificed for, because you believed that he or she could change, then he of she failed. Fell off the pedestal you’d built, came crashing to the ground with all his or her shortcomings intact, cementing your original thought, “They will never change.”

As much as that seems so very true, in the work that I do, I am in the unique position to see people change every day. Sometimes the change is slight, and other times that change is drastic. You might not even be able to recognize the person you once knew, the change was so dramatic.

Even though people can and do change, there is someone who comes to mind, right now, whom you know has told you that he or she would change in a sense to accommodate you. Promises were made, you believed. You believed so much that you couldn’t question or imagine that change was not imminent.

Now, here we are, again. The person you trusted, the one that promised the change would be irrevocably long-lasting. Again, you believed this time would be the real thing, yet here we are once again, and you feel betrayed.

You start singing that same ol’ song, “They will never change,” a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy, and based on your research and your results, you are absolutely right, they never change. No matter what they say or do to convince you otherwise, a leopard can never change its spots.

Who do you think is as fault, You? Or the Leopard?

There comes a time in an enlightened individual’s journey where you accept the idea that,

No one is broken, and no one needs to change.

Everyone is perfect just the way they are for where they are on their journey. Period. Nobody needs to be any different than they are right now, and if they needed to change, they would change on their own behalf.

People want to be wanted, loved, accepted, and – believe it or not – there are also people who need you, want to use you, exploit you, or mean you harm. Sometimes, because of your loving heart, your intuition fails you. Your desire to see the best in someone can override your better judgment.

Since it is impossible to know what is going on inside someone’s head (just like no one can know what is going on inside yours, when you’re silently thinking, daydreaming, attempting to go to sleep, or while you are asleep), it’s so hard to know what someone’s true motivation is, when they make a promise to change.

It is unrealistic, if not just wrong, to expect someone to make a change on your behalf.

On the other hand, people do change for a variety of reasons, out of obligation, love, respect, or fear of punishment. So, it’s not unreasonable to ask someone to change for you, but it may be too much to expect someone to be able to do it, when you would like to see the change take place.

People change when they want to change, and not until then. Sometimes just asking someone is enough. Maybe the thing you’re asking for is something they are ready to accommodate at this time. If it is not the right time, and you have high expectations that a change has been made, and it hasn’t, you may be shocked when you see the offense take place before your very eyes.

Since I’m in the change business, this one client came to me on and off for nine years because he wanted to make a particular change. He really did, but he wasn’t really ready to actually make the change. Thirty years later he looked me up and thanked me for my preliminary support in those early days of struggle. He intimated that several years ago he awoke one day changed without any effort whatsoever, and he has never gone back since. His time had come.

There’s no harm in asking someone to change to accommodate your desires. Either they will or they won’t, based on any of millions of reasons.

To think (or to say out loud), “They will never change,” is probably not true because it doesn’t allow for those who do.

Even people you think would never change; the cheaters, alcoholics, addicts, criminals, and, yes, even sex offenders do change. You can’t just blame it on genetic disposition, bad parenting, or brain chemistry because people with characteristics that are hard-coded in their personality without hope, change. When they are ready. If they are not ready, they will not.

You may not like it, but you must bless them as they walk their own path in their own way. After all, they are just doing the best they can with what they have, as are you and everyone else.

My Teen is Out of Control

If you’ve raised kids, are raising kids, or been a kid who’s gone through adolescence invariably, you, your parent, or both have cried out, “My teen is out of control!” (or something similar). Is it really just a phase? And What can you do about it?

Certainly. There is the normal level of adolescent behavior which accompanies the teen years indicating the teen’s quest to, in a sense, discover who they are and to establish their own identity. This process can be uncomfortable as he or she challenges all rules and boundaries. Normal adolescent behavior does not cross certain boundaries.

If you’re pulling your hair out or ready to scream “My teen is out of control” you might be witnessing something entirely different, and it is not your teenager’s loss of sanity.

When your teenager expresses themselves in a highly negative manner, they are not going crazy. When your teenager acts out by yelling and screaming, increases using foul and hate language at louder volumes, causes physical damage to inanimate objects, threatens or abuses others, your child is not crazy.

Neither is your child crazy for being insanely disrespectful, selfish and angry, refusing to honor curfew, staying out all night, getting drunk, high, and/or arrested. No, your teenager is not insane.
You might be surprised to discover that your out of control teenager is not really out of control at all.

The underlying message being communicated through all their appearing to be out-of-control is that your teenager does not have adequate skills to get their needs met, navigate social environments, negotiate, solve problems, communicate effectively, or create meaningful relationships.

So, they act out instead. And after a while, you lower your expectations and standards for your teen because it’s just too hard to deal with.

Now, who’s in control? Your out-of-control teen.

With all their inability to get their needs met, they’ve exerted their power over you by insolence, unrelenting force of will, and angst, and this becomes their method of getting what they want.

If left unchecked, this will follow them into adulthood, and all of us over the age of thirty can easily identify these individuals if they are fortunate enough to keep themselves out of prison. They are the bullies of our society, and we sometimes refer to them as narcissists.

Narcissists are either born or made. In this instance, these out of control teens learn to be narcissistic because this is the only way they know how to get through life. They are often accused of being mean, even though they are not acting out of any malice of intent.

These teens-turned-narcissists routinely hurt others as they try to get what they want or need any way they can, but they don’t mean to. They are just so focused on what they want, that they have no concept of any collateral damage which may occur as a result of exercising their methods.

They, just like you, are only doing the best they can with what they have.
Of course, the best method of preventing your child from becoming an out of control teen is to get to them early. A beloved mentor of mine once said, “If you don’t get them by age twelve, you will lose them.”

Even so, if you’re in the process of parenting a teen who you think is already out of control, there is hope, even though many parents are fearful of exerting any firm parenting skills in the fear that their out of control teen might dial 9-1-1, potentially landing the parent in jail. (This is a very fascinating state of affairs in our modern society.)

Without risking all, you can try to reason with your teen. Of course, their first reaction will be to deny any responsibility and blame their parents, the school, their friends, the societal and legal systems, their parents, and especially you for having to suffer their lot in life.

Maybe you can help them to discover new skills to get their needs met, navigate social environments, negotiate, solve problems, communicate effectively, and create meaningful relationships.

Be careful not to judge, ridicule, talk down to them, or preach to them. Listen to them and seek to understand what they are saying. Interject your thoughts gently and respectively, then let it go. Let your words simmer inside them. And love them.

Love them like there’s no tomorrow. Love them no matter what. Love them like it’s all there is, because it is.

Be a blessing, pray, and let love find the way.

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves. You’ve been around people you cared about to varying degrees, people who you just knew if they would embrace this little insight or piece of wisdom from you, their life would be much greater, healthier, more satisfying, and they would be genuinely happy.

You’re so sure this one little change would change everything for the better for them.

Would you do it? In a heartbeat. In fact, you may have already done it, and seen the rewards that came from it. You can care about a person so much, see the bright future which is waiting for them, if they could only take this step in a new direction, but they cannot see it or will not do it, even if it means saving their own life.

Yesterday, I lost a friend, who passed on, well… by choice.

She, and others whom I’ve cared deeply about, continued to make life choices which led to their leaving this planet’s third dimension, in my opinion, prematurely. Its as if they willed their early departure.

I would talk to them, reason with them, and eventually, once I understood that they understood what I was trying to tell them, continue to love and bless them as I watched them continue down a path that I would have regretted, had it been me walking in their shoes.

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves, even if thier own lives hang in the balance.

When I was younger, I saw people I cared for making choices that would greatly affect their lives when they were older. While they may have suffered the consequences of their action in their youth, rarely did it cost them their lives.

Back then, they were more likely to suffer a decrease in their quality of life. Most of them found ways to feel as though they were thriving in the bed(s) they had made for themselves. I continued to bless and love them, as our lives grew further and further apart.

Now, that I am older, many of the people I love and care about are older, and their choices have far greater impact, and the price to pay may be their very lives. And I see it more and more, all around me.

People dying for no good reason

I realize the divinity in all things. I know that my path not your path, as similar or as dissimilar as our paths might be. I honor your ability to follow any path you choose and hope that you can have the same respect for me and mine, no judgment, only blessings and love.

Even so, every once and a while, you can want something so badly for someone else who just will not make that little change to their life which would change everything, not only their life but exponentially the lives of others, even the whole world.

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves.

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend when he suffered a heart attack, shortly after he’s arrived at the hospital. I was with him when the doctor can in and advised him to check in for further testing. He was also advised not to leave the hospital because he might not survive another attack of this type.

My friend refused to stay in the hospital and not to submit himself for further testing to determine the intricacies of the issues concerning his heart. He told the doctor that he would take holistic responsibility for his own health care management.

I expected the doctor to protest, to plead a case for obtaining more information about my friend’s heart condition, but the doctor got up and said, “You take as much time as you need to think about this, then you are free to leave. If you change your mind, just press that button and a nurse will be here to help you get ready.”

At first, I thought the doctor had very little decorum, then after my shock resided, I realized the doctor’s wisdom and respect for my friend, honoring him and empowering him to be the master of his own fate.

Duly noted.

Once you’ve made yourself clear in love, without judgment, ridicule, disrespect, or sarcasm, and they choose to do it their own way, you must love and respect them for their decision. As much as you might want for them this thing which would result in so much good for themselves, their family, friends, circle of influence, and even the world, you cannot want it more than they want it for themselves.

I mean, you can want this thing, whatever it is, more than they want it for themselves, but to continually bring it up for them, to rub their nose in it, or browbeat them with your ideas which are contrary to their views, ideals, and decisions, is nothing short of abuse.

Simply make your views known in a non-threatening manner then love and bless them as they do with it what they may. Their life is their sacred journey. Honor it, no matter where it leads.

You can still harbor your feelings that they could do better, continue to meditate on their behalf, or pray for them, but know this is thier life not yours. They cannot do anything wrong, for their journey is perfect, in every way, just the way it is.

Sure, they may protest periodically, even blame you for some of their life’s discomfort, and chances are, you have done the same thing when things became challenging in your life. So challenging in your life, that you thought you’d barely escape with your life intact, but you made it.

At times in your life, people have advised you to do this or that, to go this way or go that way, but you decided to make your own way, and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards for doing so.

Why would you dishonor anyone’s ability to do the same no matter what the outcome?

I know, your response is,

“But if it were me”
or,
“If I could do it all over again…”

It is perfectly admirable for you to share the insights gained from your experience with others, but their journey is not yours.

In regard to giving advice, my friend, Edward, says, “Some will. Some won’t. Next.” In a sense, saying to share your stories and experiences with them, then let go of any expectation that they might take any of your advice at all.

No, “Only ifs…”

Good friends are hard to come by, and it’s hard to watch them leave.

I miss my friend. Wish she was still here.

I know she is happier now. I celebrate the time that we spent together and share her joy in the hereafter.

Still, a part of me is sorrowful.

This, too, shall pass, as love and joy overshadow my selfish sadness.

Loved, blessed, and missed nonetheless.

Panic Stricken

If you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself in an uncontrollable state of panic, you can easily slip out of cognitive control. Anything could happen when you’re panic-stricken.

If you’ve been triggered and fallen into a state of panic, blood pressure rises, heartbeats drastically, you get shot up with heavy doses of adrenaline, you feel that your life is at stake and you lose your ability to reason effectively as you lose yourself to the overwhelming panic.

Anything you do or say in such a state, you should not be held liable for, but unfortunately, often you are. Losing yourself to panic can make you feel like your losing your mind, and it can look that way to others witnessing the event, the more expressive you are as a person. Your otherwise enviable enthusiasm and passion can make you appear to be a raving lunatic.

People who have fallen victim to the panic-stricken state may find themselves in hospitals, jails, mental wards, prisons, or graveyards. No need to worry about going crazy because you’re not. You just need to find ways to get a handle on your panic before you get there.

First, you need to know what the early warning signs are indicating you’ve been triggered and, on your way, to having a panic attack. It’s different for every person, but some common signs you’re panic-stricken could include racing or heavy heartbeat, perspiration, shortness of breath, trembling and/or shaking.

When you start to sense these signs you want to take steps to interrupt the pattern of panic before it escalates to the point of losing your ability to be mindful. As your panic increases, you could experience other symptoms including getting tingling sensations in your extremities, dizzy, nausea.

Un-interrupted, you could find yourself in a full-on panic episode, and who wouldn’t, if you had chest pain, felt like you were having a heart attack, and that you may very well die from the emergent sense of urgency. That’s when cognition shuts down, and you’ve lost yourself to panic.

Anything that happens after that will likely be a blur, or you may experience a black-out, unable to recall the events clearly, or at all, when panic-stricken.

Analyze your panic attacks and get to know which physiological indicators show up first when you are triggered and at risk of becoming panic-stricken. Instead of letting yourself be overwhelmed by the fear associated with the symptoms, find a way to calm down your nerves.

Take slow, deep breaths and find ways to relax in the moment, center yourself, close your eyes and focus on things you love, are hugely grateful for, make you feel loved, or connect to yourself on a soulular level. Surround yourself by a bubble filled with loving-kindness. Give yourself over to a high love state, instead of panic, and you’ve won this battle.

You can rest assured that panic is not eternal, as all forms of panic resolve themselves and subside unless you have been unfortunate to have lost your life in the midst of panic. You might feel as though you might die from panic, but the fact remains, if you are reading these words, you haven’t yet.

There is huge hope for you to change the way you experience panic if you have the wherewithal to do something different, the next time you feel yourself heading in that direction.

Triggered!

When you get challenged by another person, your instinctual preliminary reactive response is to select from your choices of fight or flight. When you are triggered in social interaction, punching someone in the face, or running out of the room would be far too dramatic for anyone who might like to retain some sense of dignity in modern-day society.

Instead, we replace “fight” with self-defense and “flight” with withdrawal. We either post-up to do battle with words, voice inflection, body stance, and physical gestures, or we become more increasingly silent until we have nothing to say and look for more comfortable environmental circumstances elsewhere.

Of course, this is a spectrum and includes many options between these two extremes.

If someone challenges your competency in an area where you’re feeling you are confident about your abilities, you get an adrenaline charge which triggers your response system, which is primarily operated by your ego.

There is a lot of discussion about the ego, some believe we should have none of it, and others believe we would die without it (at this time I am among the latter) and anything possible between those two extremes. I believe the ego is vitally necessary but should be moderated by a heart-centered individual.

You are the result of a lifetime of experience and learning and far from the equivalent of any other being on this planet. While you may be able to get to know someone intimately and have so much in common with this person, you can never know the totality of what goes on behind the scenes.

Just like you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no matter how well someone knows you, they cannot know what you are thinking when you are thinking, in the same way, you can never know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Exponentially beyond this real-time unknowingness, you cannot know what anyone has experienced or learned from their life to this point in time.

When someone challenges you, it is a perfectly normal response to defend yourself, which may include a counter-attack. Obviously, “You don’t know me,” is a reasonable response which will always be true, but accusing whoever has challenged you, feels so much better, as your ego settles into a relentless position of exerting superiority over your challenger.

While you are feeling superior, you’ve now challenged the person who may not have challenged you with any malice whatsoever, as most people challenge motivated by love, compassion, or a sense of caring which is trying to help you live a better life by lending you some of his or her experience or learning. When you counter-attack, you call upon their ego to defend him or her. Now, you are responsible for having triggered an argument or debate, which is far from productive and rarely leads to a positive outcome.

When you and whomever you have engaged in this interaction with are engulfed in this vibratory mismatch, communication is not possible for you are communicating on different frequencies.

You carry with you an enormous cache of hundreds, if not thousands, of sensitivities which have been secretly stored in your subconscious, and are protected by triggers switched on as emergency responses by your ego as a method of self-preservation.

This is the natural state of your human response system. For those who are in the process of awakening, they are in a process of digging up these raw materials which are hidden from the consciousness and dealt with and resolved in a loving matter. Thereby eliminating the emotional trigger from the hidden past life event.

If you can find the wherewithal to love and accept yourself for who you are, you are less likely to become triggered by someone else’s challenge, and it will feel less like a personal attack.

You realize that in most cases this challenge is not an attack, it is only a reflection of that person’s life experience, learning, and self-confidence (at any level) expressing itself. So, it really is more about them asserting themselves, for whatever reason, than it has to do with you at all.

When this happens to you, you can love them, not judge them because you know they are only doing the best they can with what they have, thank them for their input, and compassionately bless them.

Relationship Repeat Offender

Your partner has done it again, and here you are finding yourself caught up in yet another round of the same ol’ thing that you got in an argument the last time. You ask yourself, why are we always fighting over the same old thing(s)? What can you do about your relationship repeat offender?

Here you are again, standing your ground and willing to risk all over this issue that keeps on coming up and simply will not go away. It’s as if your partner refuses to listen, or doesn’t care about your feelings at all, which makes you even more upset, angry, or outraged.

If you can think back to when you were a child, you will probably remember your parents arguing over some of the same issues over and over again, too. Generally, this is where you learn how to act in relationships, and even if you’ve vowed never to be in a relationship like your mom and dad, here you are.

You don’t do it on purpose, but subconsciously, you’ve set your relationship the same way, because it “feels like home.” I know, it’s bizarre, but it’s perfectly normal.

Pattern Interrupt

Once you realize this, though, you can choose to approach the relationship repeat offender scenario differently. When you see this issue coming up and feel your anxiety building, you can remember what it was like watching your parents and choose a different tactic.

What if in your recollection of your parents’ recurring argument, if you could go back in time and play the part of either of your parents, how could you have done it better? This may give you an idea of what you might try differently in the present.

Taking this momentary reflective pause gives you a chance to apply a new approach to the scenario as an alternative to just launching into your normal responsive reaction when you’re triggered (and you already know what to expect from that), thereby interrupting the old pattern.

When you try a different approach, you open up a world of possibilities for a different outcome, a better result from your previous style of approaching this issue. Everything is not always black and white, and you’d be surprised how much closer you and your partner could be if you throw in a dash of tolerance or compromise into the mix.

If your first line of defense is to post up and ready for battle (or flee) this is learned behavior which you have embraced as a survival skill, but really, you are far better than that. In every relationship, there needs to be a degree of openness, honesty, and vulnerability.

By taking a different approach and allowing other possibilities, you may have eliminated the relationship repeat offender altogether. You have the power to do this.

If you really want to grow in love and compassion in your relationship, you must be willing to lay down your sword and shield, be present and stay in the game. If your normal response is to withdraw or leave the room, stay and play it out. This is your life we’re talking about.

I know you’ve probably heard it before, something like,

You have to love yourself
before you can truly love anyone else.

As ridiculous as it might sound, it’s true. If you’re constantly looking for acceptance or approval from your mate, you will be periodically (or continually) fighting for validation. If you are full of love for yourself, you don’t need validation as much from your partner, or anyone else for that matter. Sure, it’s nice when you are recognized, complimented, or even applauded, but you don’t need it because you are in such a good, loving space regarding yourself.

This also changes the way you view disrespect from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). If someone disses you, and you have a healthy love for yourself, you can simply shrug it off as no big deal, and have compassion for whoever verbally assaulted you, because you realize they are acting out of their own discontent and you can have compassion for them, for they are only doing the best they can with what they have (as are you).

Love yourself. And the next time you get triggered and feel a battle coming on, put down your weapons, stay in the game, take a breath and ask yourself, “How could I do this better?” Then, try something different.

See what happens when you allow infinitely new possibilities to unfold in the loving space you chose to inhabit and share with your partner.